Happy Labor Day Weekend.

Greetings.

I had talked to a lady about a month ago who worked for American Greeting Cards. Someone had referred me to her about a merchandiser job. Stocking the cards in stores, part time. I thought this sounded like something I'd like to do to make a little money, so I got in touch with her. At the time she told me about the training process and that she was going to have an opening at the end of the month because someone was leaving. That sounded fine to me and I wasn't sure what would come of it, but I just thought I'd wait and see.

Well, this evening she called me and I was so excited, just because I haven't had a job in a long time. She was telling how she had an opening and I was the first on her list to call. I had to be up front with her because I wasn't in our first call. I told her that I was in a wheelchair and that I was very capable of doing many things. I felt that I needed to tell her instead of shocking her if we were to meet. Cause that has happened before and it is so uncomfortable. Anyways, I explained that am strong and can get up and down from my chair and can find ways to make do with situations that may arise. Given the opportunity I would prove myself in a positive way. She asked, Can you get onto the second step of a step stool? She said in order to reach the top shelf of the rack you will need to be able to use one. Also, Could I lift something heavy? Well, no I can't get onto a step stool and I'm pretty sure I could lift whatever needed to. I asked her if she would like to meet me so she could assess the situation and judge for herself, and that I wouldn't mind. Please give me the opportunity to meet with you, then you can think about it and get back to me and I would be okay with that. She didn't think that was necessary.

She said that this particular store is going to require the use of a step stool because of its height, but she has other stores she deals with that are lower. None of them are available right now but she thinks maybe they would suit me better. She said she'd call me if she had an opening.

I am so looking forward to someday having a little job and feeling a sense of accomplishment. I hope she does call me, but why would she pick me over someone normal? I try to put myself out there. I feel that I'm approachable with good qualities. Why do I feel like such a lump?

Artistic Values

Okay this is a weird struggle for me. Being an artist, I see things a little differently than the common left brain folk. Something I need to do for myself is step out of another box. My paintings are pretty decent, but I would love to be more edgy or more thought provoking. The problem always seems to come around to the fact of the people around me and what they might think. Yeah, it is easy to say who cares what they think. But in fact I do. Okay, yes I have a bit of a wild side, but they don't know this. My family and friends are pretty conservative and they're around me all the time wondering what I'm working on now. The only way I've thought of pulling this off, is to keep my painting normal kind of subjects and have the controversial piece put away. That just still seems like hiding to me and I'm tired of hiding. I just don't want to disappoint. But on the other hand, I'm allowing myself to suffer for it.

Express Yourself.

Us

He laughs, I laugh. The breath we breathe is as one. We live comfortably. We are never apart, even when we are. We make up childish sayings that no one knows. Our dog and bird are our children. We make love with no abandon. He rubs my arm at night and we call it "fwee". I have a blankie, and he doesn't care. We go to adult sex stores for fun. We quit smoking together and both gained weight. We can look at each other and just know. Pushing each others buttons is a good way to start a fight. He still likes to hold my hand. I like to give him a bath and shave him. His hair smells like cake. We've sat up all night together telling our much loved brother-in law with chronic cancer, it's okay to die. He barbecues like there's no tomorrow. We love our 1921 Spanish bungalow. We realize that friends can sometimes be closer than family. We beat the odds by getting married at 21. He doesn't see me as being in a wheelchair. Going to coffee is like going to a bar for us. We both are tender hearted. We like to watch others being sexual. I worry every time he goes to work. He writes me a note and leaves it every morning on the toilet paper roll. Ignorant people make us cringe. Mexican food is one of our favorites. We have fun together and actually like each other. We love deep. 

Flashing

When my husband and I go on road trip I like to flash. I like doing it out of town because I don't want to flash someone I know or who knows my car in my town. Truckers are the fun ones to give a show because they are up high and can see in. Plus, I think they appreciate it... being as they are on a long journey somewhere. The surprised look when I lift my shirt and bare my boobs is priceless. They usually can't believe they just saw what they saw. The truckers will contact their fellow truckers in front of them to tell them what we just did. They've honked and most of the time give us a thumbs up. It sometimes gets a little chaotic. I have to watch my honey though, sometimes he gets so involved trying to catch up or slow down. He tries to see their reaction and he ends up almost weaving into them. The best trip to do all this flashing is the road between LA and Vegas. People let themselves go a little, coming and going. Therefore, we sometimes aren't the only ones doing it and that's fun. It's like a little foreplay for us.

Suppressed

I feel like I'm the only one. Does it seem like most people in wheelchairs are vanilla? I've been curious about this for quite sometime now. Am I breaking some disabled law, thou shall not be a sexual, crazy, curious being. Have the likes of us shamed people into thinking we are fragile little people? Does putting myself out there help or hinder?

Unexpected

Something has stuck with me since this last Monday. 

First off, I want to start by saying I'm in this painting class at my local community college. In which I have fulfilled all of the beg., intermediate, and advanced courses. I've continued to take the class over the years as have about 8 others. When you do this it's called Studio Lab, it's basically like renting a place to paint and be around artistic people and their feedback.

On Monday when I started back after summer break, this guy came into the class and my jaw nearly dropped off. My husband and I had met him this summer in a alternative/eclectic type gift shop in our downtown. We hit it off the minute we walked in the store. We were laughing and be a bunch of cut ups. I had noticed some art on the walls and commented on how I liked them. He stated they were his but he has never been trained, and would like to learn some basic techniques. I told him about my class I attend and how much I liked it. I told him he should give it a try. We had to go to an appointment, so unfortunately we had to leave and never had the chance to go back and visit.

Anyways, who was to show up at my class on Monday?.....This Guy. 

He came in saying...Oh my god you so inspired me that day you came in. You don't know how out of my box I am. Do you know how long it's been since I've been to school? I'm so excited.

I have felt so good since Monday that I actually helped somebody do something. 

I'm taking this as a part of my journey and using it as a positive in my life.

Sunny side Up.

I love being naked in the sun. I love to feel the warmth on my breasts down to my pussy. I sun bathe nude every now and then but not as much as I'd like. I would like to go to a nudist hotel, and will probably go in the near future, at least for the experience. I don't want to go to any nasty little place, I'd like a place that's clean and respectful. Maybe one with sexual activity around. I'm a typical woman who worries what she looks like and to top that, I try to pull it off in a wheelchair. I've done somethings that I'm pretty sure most average woman haven't and maybe I'll share sometime. But for now, I want to talk about my fantasy of laying out nude in a secluded area. Maybe in a dessert or by a river. A place where a daily hiker might pass by. I like the unknown and the surprise or interest it might arouse. Then after, have my husband restrain me and give it to me in every possibly way. 

Everythings Fine

This weekend has been eye opening to say the least. It has been a whirlwind of unfamiliar people that I am very familiar with. Both my mom and my husbands parents had the audacity to show me what I will be like in my older years. That is, if I become numb to the life around me and look only straight ahead and go with what they taught. It's a vicious cycle, though they are all good people. Guess what? They went the route of what they were taught and didn't veer. Now they are ignorant close minded individuals. Sad. They don't want change or to experience life's unknowns. I don't want to be that way, as a matter of fact I choose to not be that way. It must be scary to be them, so insecure and frustrating to try to keep things fine. 

The Visitor

Today I saw a inspirational film, which was reminicent in someways of my own struggles. It was an independent film called the Visitor. The filming was great, and the storyline was even better. This movie was about finding ones self through others. Also, to come out of your box and let yourself enjoy life. The gifts people give to us by touching our lives come in many different packages and we need to embrace them.

I'm not a big movie buff, but if I think this one is worthwhile. This definitely was a keeper. Two Thumbs Up! :)

Free to be me, now what?

Everyday I keep myself busy doing nothing. A part of me is very content, because it is what I know. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lazy by any means. I go workout, do household stuff, go and do whatever wih my husband, take my mom to lunch (who is getting up there in age),errands, tend to my sister who lost her husband a year ago (that's a feat in itself),I attend the community college painting classes, go places with friends, and so on. Okay... then the other part of me wants to get out in the world and do something productive. Over the years I've been taken care of and watched over, and some of it for good reason. But I was so in grossed in my incapability's and just trying to get by each day, I never learned how to go forward like a young person should. I didn't learn about the real me and who I was. My body was on a downward slope, and the further I sunk, the more I just existed. In probably the last 4-5 years I've slowly come out of my shell. I've been able to find things to better myself, both physically and mentally. It took my own research and willingness to try something new. I also learned not to fully depend on doctors and family all the time.

 I'm about 95% self sufficient nowadays, and just need something to feel satisfied. I know it seems simple, (here comes the but ).....but it's not as easy as you would think. I would like a part time job, own a tiny business or just anything to feel as if I accomplished something worth while. Like helping out with our household income. I've applied for jobs, but usually don't have enough experience. I haven't worked since I was in my teens. This last job interview I went on, the person couldn't get past the whole wheelchair thing. They perceive what they think you can do, therefore you're down the tubes before you start. I'm currently plugging along and pretty persistent on the whole job issue. I've been getting my resumes out almost everyday. Everyone keeps saying that something will come my way, but I'm not so confidant about that. Maybe I should just make wheelchair porn. :o

Can someone in a wheelchair be sexy?

I don't know if i am sexy, but I am definitely sexual. There is also a bit of an exhibitionistic side to me. It makes me feel empowered . I guess to say to myself, you are more than the chair and you can get noticed, a side from your disability. Plus, quite frankly.... it turns me on and it's fun!

It took a lot of soul searching and being okay with myself to be able to untighten the restraints of my upbringing and become a sexual woman. Now, the only people that know that I'm this way, are my husband and a bunch of strangers. 

That's how I Roll!!

So, being in a wheelchair is really quite a trip. Now, I'm not paralyzed, but I use a chair because I have form of Muscular Dystrophy. My balance is incredibly bad and my muscles are not real strong. I can get up and walk with a persons assistance or with crutches. So, my abilities are not as severe as some but I spend 99% of my day in a chair and do experience much of the same kinds of obstacles and ignorance. 

I could write a book on the shit people say to me. Like...... you're to cute to be in that chair.          ( Are people in chairs supposed to be ugly?), What's wrong with you!?, You wanna race? (I haven't heard that before!!), I know how you feel, I broke my leg once and was in a wheelchair. (Oh, really??).

I can be right next to my husband, and have had several people speak softly at him and ask what's wrong with me or ask him what I want. Hello! being in a chair doesn't mean you can't hear or think for yourself. Anyways, instances such as this are very common in my life and I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. I do know I've toughen up over time. I also have learned to make up stories when asked abruptly "What's wrong with you"? These days I come back with I was in a skydiving accident, or I fell off a horse, or something of that nature. I do that because people don't want to know I have a form of Muscular Dystrophy called Freidreich's Ataxia. They get so excited if you're in an accident, rather than all pitiful when you tell them what's really wrong. In all reality they don't need to know what's really wrong, it's all about nosiness and curiosity.

I'm not complaining, actually several years ago I would have been. Now, I pretty much find it amusing how people act.

Right Brain Freak.

Artsy fartsy right brained person would describe the very being of me. I have always leaned towards art to satisfy me, because I know that's the one thing I know I'm good at.  I don't make art a major part of my life, like maybe I should. Sometimes I wonder if it's just a waste of time or worth the effort. I would like to of course make money doing art, but I don't have the proper education or much experience for the art world. I am intimidated by the whole thought and would like to find the right venue for me. My oil paintings bring me a sense of satisfaction. I do want to expand my subject matter even more, but something holds me back even with that.

I love being around people, especially those that stimulate my mind and soul, be it through art or some kind of sensuality.  I think they many times goes hand and hand. I fantasize quite a bit, and sometimes have a hard time separating it from reality. I am happiest when I'm sexual and when I'm surrounded with creativity. 

I'm out there somewhere.

I'm trying to find myself and I know I'm out there somewhere. Been through more than most in life, but not as much as some. I'm happy to be here but don't really know why or what I'm doing here.

Life has been passing me by like a train and I'm trying to grab on and I keep loosing grip.

I have passions, but surpress them even though I really don't want to. I feel like I have to catch up, and need to leave behind the useless shit and suck up the important things.

I had all kinds of physical issues at an early age and didn't know how to embrace them, so I got mad and leary about life. Even after marriage I've encountered some life altering moments that there just haven't been easy to deal with. I'm now in a wheelchair faced with making the best out of my life. Believe it or not, I've been succesful in certain aspects, and feel pretty proud about my accomplishments. Don't get me wrong, it's beaten me down lower than you can imagine but that has made me want to be so much more of an individual.

So, in this blog is where I've chosen to vent and share and hopefully.... find me.