Hurdles

I've been struggling with something. Many years I struggled with depression. Dealing with losses, physical issues, upbringing, etc. Since I was young I have had art in my soul. In school I loved art classes and always did crafts. I've done some things along the way to make a couple bucks here and there by being creative. It was not always items of interest, but did it because it was what I knew and just to bring in some extra chump change. After seeing a therapist for about 4 years and learning about me I decided to learn to oil paint. It was unbelievably intimidating for me to even sign up for the class. I had for so long sheltered myself from new experiences that it at the time was such a giant step.Now I embrace my art and the great group of people around me. After getting over that hump, in which I look back now and can't even fathom the struggle, I once again have something else that needs to be addressed and with some sensitivity.

During my time of soul searching and trying to take baby steps (like Bob) :) I physically wasn't doing to well and my husband and mother were very much key players in taking care of me, a lot. At the beginning of me doing things to better myself (like working out,  and being more independent) it was quite a change for us all. Like in the fact of them still trying to assist me and just doing things out of habitual nature. Which in due time subsided mostly and with my sincere appreciation for all they had done.

Now I have found some niches for myself and my husband has been a part of those niches and I've thoroughly enjoyed him doing so. But slowly I've been seeing what was once something that was a big hurdle for me to conquer turning into something that isn't just mine anymore. Even sometimes to the point of it turning into his, and not in a negligent way. I've been forth coming about letting me do some of these things on my own, and being a bit overbearing. I've even said, don't do these things for me, I can pull my own weight. I want so much for him to be apart but without loosing my hard work in the process. Finding a balance, and at the same time some understanding is something I hope can be worked out.

When it rains, it pours.

Putting together Thanksgiving flower arrangements.

My life has been a whirlwind lately. I'm just going with it and trying to soak it up. I've spent the last week and a half with a paint brush in my hand. I've been painting walls, canvases, and an old desk. No kidding... I live and breathe painting, thus the lack of posts lately. Plus had lots of Thanksgiving activities to plan and get through. Wheeeew~ 

The gallery is coming along and looks great. We are trying to get the business aspect of it nailed down and that hasn't been easy. It's like being on" Survivor" nobody wants to be the leader, therefore it's hard to get things done. I refuse to get upset at certain people because this is such an awesome opportunity I want to revel in the moment. There are about 7 of us and some just aren't pulling their weight.  I keep telling myself they are not going to ruin something that I never thought in my wildest dreams could happen. So it's all good.

My ISM shoot on top of all this has just been such a great experience. Just awhile ago my husband was checking out ISM and we were thrilled to see that I got The Editors Pick of the week. How cool is that?!!! Go to the ISM home page and check it out.

The girl in the chair is naked.

Todays is the big day. My folio is being featured today on ISM. Woooowhoooo! 

I feel all a glow.

Where Are You Going With This?

Sitting here this evening going from blog to blog, is really making me think. Where am I going with this blog of mine? I really have no rhyme nor reason. I am drawn to my little blogging world a couple times a day. As if I'm checking in on people, looking in on their world sometimes with envy or just sheer curiosity. Starting this blog several months ago I just wanted to do something or just have some type of purpose. I needed to vent, I needed to look, I needed to cry, I needed to search, I needed to be naked, I needed to feel...........I needed to be needed.

Doing this ISM shoot has given me something to do and I really am proud of it. Not in the way you could say "hey mom come see what I've been doing". But in the way of self expression and discovery and a realization of my sexuality and just taking it as it comes. Getting set up for this shoot was quite a challenge. I tried to make the pussy look cute and boobs look supple, while trying to hide flaws but also enhance my world of being in a chair. By doing this and letting myself be just me, my painting is becoming easier and at more of a flow. It's not such a fight as it was. I've received some great input from many people on this blog and I do give a lot of thought to what has been put out there for me. 

Also, starting this blog I really just wanted to prove that someone like myself in a wheelchair could turn someone on or just evoke an interest, instead of be pitied or looked at as some kind of freak. Being a woman.... not a disabled woman. For some reason that was important to me, because I think a lot of people can't get past the thing attached to my ass. And I know many would say that wasn't true, that it's just me being self conscious. Well, they haven't been in my everyday world with the looks and stares and talking down to. It's a whole "walk in my shoes" thing.

So I'm going to continue on my little blogging journey. I'll probably continue sharing my body a bit( quite a bit on ISM) ;) and just writing what I need to write and have fun doing it. Please stay with me and who knows what will be next, it's an adventure.

ISM update

I'm not sure if my ISM will post tomorrow or Monday?? Because I believe Australia (where they are located) is 18 hours ahead of the US and they said it would post Monday the 24th, which would be my Sunday. So if you're interested go to the site by clicking the banner to the side and check and see if it's there yet.

Just Because

Date Set

I checked the front page of ISM (i shot myself) and ....cool. I'm in the holding pattern at the top of the page set for Monday the 24th. (laroo) This is crazy and so exhilarating!!!

Artistic Mode

As of just this last week or so, an awesome opportunity has come along for me to be able to show my art pieces. I'm just so excited I can't even begin to express. I've been painting up a storm and enjoying it so much. I'm in the groove, and that is not usually an easy place for me to find. But I'm in it, and relishing it.

I've also caught wind of my ISM (I shot myself ) folio status, it's possibly going out this next week. I'll keep you updated. I would love for you guys to come see.

I have to say, that without many of your kind and insightful comments I don't think I would feel the way I do today. You really make me think.... and that's an important process if your really willing to let yourself actually feel.

Thank You to all that come to my blog.

Earth Wind and Fire

The outside of my house looks like an ash tray. You know how you go to a bonfire and come home and you just reek of smoke? Well, here I am amongst the thick smoke and ash of the fires burning not far from my home. They've been burning for the last few days, and you just can't get away from the smell. The winds have kept the fires stoked and out of control. Our house was never in danger, thankfully.

Many people lost homes and were displaced, and I have absolutely no reason to complain. The air will clear and we will be able to wash down. They on the other hand have to start over... and in this economy it's not going to be easy. What a shame.

My friend that lives close, has pool and it looks so nasty. We've equated it to being that red plastic cup at a college party filled with water and everyone uses it as an ashtray. Yep. That nasty. She's hoping her pool pump is up for the challenge.  

Damn it!

A frequent discussion had by seemingly different aspects of my life have made myself and my counter parts wonder. Now I'm not a worldly person and not big into politics, but this whole prop 8 issue is really bringing peoples thoughts out of the woodwork. (Prop 8= right to gay marriage) Anyways, I had thought we'd come much further than this with ignorance. Intelligent people saying...oh the next thing we'll be doing is marrying animals. There is a handful of friends and my family that believe it is a no brainer, it should be legalized, while a larger amount of my constituents have either been brainwashed by the church or are just so set in there ways they can't even look beyond what they think they know.

My problem is I am now finding myself saying, how can I love these people so much and they are so hateful to a certain group of human beings. We are all human beings with many different looks, feelings, beliefs, desires........but we are all human beings with rights. Their DNA made them different, just like it maybe gave you a big nose, or no hair, or a petite body frame, or cerebral palsy, or to many fingers, or in my case muscular dystrophy. How can anyone in there right mind think it is a choice? Would someone choose to be this way? Let's not discriminate against people for being different!!! Who do they think they are for making judgements? 

Ok, I'm usually not a ranter, but even though the election is over, it really is not over. I am faced with the fact that dear people around me are haters and that really sucks, because I have lost a lot of respect for them. 

Naranja County

 

This is my favorite T-shirt. The one that should be thrown out, because of holes and fading. But I like it and it covers my breasts.... (sometimes). It is great when people stare at them while trying to figure out what it says.

Good things coming my way

The last couple days have been quite interesting. I've been offered several avenues for displaying my paintings. Unfortunately at this time, I only have about 4 pieces available. I am feverishly pondering what my next work is going to be and hoping I can get it done in time to add to the ones I have. Although, I don't want to compromise my artful thought process, in order to get something done fast. I've done that way to much in my past and I don't want to do that anymore.

My ISM is Coming Soon

Who would have thought? I can't believe they excepted my portfolio and it will soon be on its way for all to see. I am so excited, I never thought in my wildest dreams that I could put myself in this position. I am just an average female who has her share of flaws, on top of that...set her ass in a wheelchair and be sexy. Well I did it, and feel pretty good about it, hope others do too. I Shot Myself said they would tell me ahead of time when the folio will appear, so will let you know. If you go the ISM via my blog you get like 10% off, and a bit of the portion will go to me. It seems like a good price to join anyways.

Calm Time

Just a pictures I felt like sharing.

Owens River and Bishop Creek.

We fished here in the beginning of the summer.

It was so peaceful.

Sexual Searching

For years now my husband and I have been searching. I don't think what we are looking for exists. We have looked online at numerous sites and joined a few and then quit. We go on our little searches and basically end up where we started off. We would like to be around like minded sexual people. We are not swingers, but  we are exhibitonistic and voyeuristic. We went to a voyeurweb party about 2 years ago, which was pretty interesting and to say the least, a bit exciting. Absolutely unplanned, we hit it off with a couple and had them come back to our house. That was so out of character for us, but we just were spontaneous and figured what the heck. We had sex in our living room with our own partners and it was kind of odd and very fun at the same time. Just being in the same room next to another couple getting glimpses of them and knowing they are doing the same. That was that and in general after all was said and done, I think the he of that couple wanted a little more and we ended the night and never saw them again. The group at that party as a whole were swingers, which is all good if that's your thing, but not what we were looking for. Most sex type clubs seem either creepy & seedy, or they want you to swing and therefore we can't seem to find our little niche. Also, we are average people and not hard core hotties that do the major party scene, so what does a couple such as us do? As of late we've given up on trying to find that certain sexual interlude, but have hopes of someday finding a safe comfortable place to live out some of our fantasies.