Saturday, November 29, 2008

Hurdles

I've been struggling with something. Many years I struggled with depression. Dealing with losses, physical issues, upbringing, etc. Since I was young I have had art in my soul. In school I loved art classes and always did crafts. I've done some things along the way to make a couple bucks here and there by being creative. It was not always items of interest, but did it because it was what I knew and just to bring in some extra chump change. After seeing a therapist for about 4 years and learning about me I decided to learn to oil paint. It was unbelievably intimidating for me to even sign up for the class. I had for so long sheltered myself from new experiences that it at the time was such a giant step.Now I embrace my art and the great group of people around me. After getting over that hump, in which I look back now and can't even fathom the struggle, I once again have something else that needs to be addressed and with some sensitivity.
During my time of soul searching and trying to take baby steps (like Bob) :) I physically wasn't doing to well and my husband and mother were very much key players in taking care of me, a lot. At the beginning of me doing things to better myself (like working out,  and being more independent) it was quite a change for us all. Like in the fact of them still trying to assist me and just doing things out of habitual nature. Which in due time subsided mostly and with my sincere appreciation for all they had done.
Now I have found some niches for myself and my husband has been a part of those niches and I've thoroughly enjoyed him doing so. But slowly I've been seeing what was once something that was a big hurdle for me to conquer turning into something that isn't just mine anymore. Even sometimes to the point of it turning into his, and not in a negligent way. I've been forth coming about letting me do some of these things on my own, and being a bit overbearing. I've even said, don't do these things for me, I can pull my own weight. I want so much for him to be apart but without loosing my hard work in the process. Finding a balance, and at the same time some understanding is something I hope can be worked out.

6 comments:

ausallblack said...

this post would have taken some writing La Roo I again take my hat off to you ,you are just simply the most fantastic person it has ever been my privilege to read about ,your sexy and gorgeous and vert artistic and your hubby sounds liiike a real gem please convey to him that I think he is a pretty special and lucky guy

Bob said...

What you've just written leads me to suggest one or more of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (Stephen Covey).

Bob says always take the baby steps first. Stephen Covey says:

#1 Be proactive;

#2 Begin with the end in mind (this is a great one to always remember);

#3 Put first things first.

I'll skip to # 5: Seek first to understand and then to be understood (also a favorite).

The other two habits are not worth mentioning in this context.

So, Soapbox Bob says think #5 when communicating with your husband in regards to your needs and to understand what his perceptions are.

If you've not read any of Covey's books the 7 Habits are worth the time.

As always, I wish you the best in these next steps in your life's journey.

eva said...

it's great that you've managed to come out of depression - and started painting as well!

i've been struggling with depression for a few years too, sort of started to come out of it lately. it's fantastic, as i was scared i'd be that way forever. i get a lot of people not treating me like the strong person i know i am, as they've seen me struggling for so long. i hate it when people pity me!

C said...

hi LaRoo.... i can totally relate to how you are feeling. you dont want to be a burden to anyone, and you want to help yourself and do as much as possible. your husband sounds very loving, caring, and tender with you. try to put yourself in his shoes, and understand how it must feel for him to see the woman he loves, struggle. it's a fine line to walk, he has to let you do what you can, and at the same time be ready to help you if you need it. openly sharing how you both feel with eachother is very important. ever since i found your blog, i have admired the strength and honesty you portray in your writings. i never thought a person in a wheelchair could be sexy and glamorous, yet i find that you are very much so. i attribute that to your inner beauty and your will to be who you really are, despite the chair. i dont know if i could do that and be as brave as you. i too have depression and have had to find things to get me out of it. sounds like your portfolio and painting are 2 ways you have chosen to do so. be gentle with yourself, you have been through alot, and used your struggles to make you who you are today...strong, beautiful inside and out, courageous, sexy, sensual, erotic, and you are living your dreams. hang in there, and know you are way stronger than you give yourself credit for.

C

momentextase said...

There is intellectual understanding, emotional understanding and body understanding...and sometimes these understandings within us are not always on the same page.

Speaking as someone who has had to adjust to someone changing in my life, and also being on the other side of that; i.e: being the one that was changing....

The person changing is a few steps ahead of the others in their life, and for those others (making every sincere effort to keep up) that can be confusing, also their behaviors and past ways of relating to you can have a "flywheel" effect.. a momentum.

"At the beginning of me doing things to better myself (like working out, and being more independent) it was quite a change for us all. Like in the fact of them still trying to assist me and just doing things out of habitual nature. Which in due time subsided mostly and with my sincere appreciation for all they had done."

La Roo, what you wrote above is a perfect example of what I mean, especially about the "flywheel" effect of past ways of the way people react being real...and of those reactions slowly subside and catching up with where you had "changed" to!

My perception of what you are saying is that although you love that your (very cool hubby..IMHO) is interested in and supportive of your new niches, he is inadvertently crossing some boundaries and you feel he is crowding you out of some your new niches sometimes. This is how I am in the moment emphathisizing with what you wrote...

As I empathize in the moment with your hubby, I find myself feeling that if I were him I would be attentive to keeping up with how you are changing, (maybe even a tad anxious about being sort of left behind a few steps..) ...to the point of maybe unknowingly even pushing into your space too much. Or even in a way that gets in the way of the changes you are struggling through. I would be wanting to stay connected and change with you...but not, unconsciously, quite knowing the best way how.

It is a dance.

So talk. Talk to anyone you feel is usurping your agency, show them where the lines are, give them tasks that will keep them feeling supportive and connected and that will insure they are keeping up with you... gently let them know where the boundaries are at that moment. And be sure to let them know when your personal "space" changes and the boundaries change...."space" and boundaries do change you know, just like the coast changes as the waves slowly move the sand.

Realize that at first they will intellectually "get it"... but maybe not emotionally....or physically... or behaviorally... but those last things will catch up with mental understandings as they adjust to your changes. Be patient. Communicate. "Task" if necessary, give the part of them that wants to support, but is inadvertently invading -something to do that will support but not disempowered you.

People have different momentums of rate of change...in relationship...you can only go as fast as the slowest person... and sometimes the one who is the slowest/fastest will flip-flop! But usually the person making the biggest changes will always be a few steps ahead of everyone else. That puts one that is making big changes in the position of leader and teacher.

Above all, look at things in a win-win way, and with compassion. When one person changes...everyone else is changing too, and jumping hurdles of their own... hurdles different from yours to be sure... but hurdles none the less.

So....bottom line: All you have to do is teach them how to keep up with you -without getting in your way.
Not easy, but doable.

Communication, patience, love, compassion and empathy are the lubricants that will smooth out any friction.

FntsyMn said...

Life is a constant struggle, all of us have our demons that we have to fight. Sometimes it might seem that we are loosing, but later on we find out it wasn't really loosing. It's just part of the path we have to travel to be where we are now. If it wasn't like that, we wouldn't be there at all.

I'm glad that things are working for you. So let's keep on going, each one of us in his own way, in his own path, but always forward. Even if sometimes it seems we are going backward, that's not so. It's always forward.