Just Stuff

I'm kind of lost in some sort of fog. Everyday life is just seeming to be in slow motion, and a bit surreal. I know I am going to feel this way for awhile. I feel sadness and a bit of my spark has diminished for the time being. I've tried to keep it lit and it keeps blowing out. I'm not depressed, but there is a heaviness on my heart.

Tonight (Halloween) we are going to our little downtown area. It has lots of restaurants and bars. It's a college town and will be booming with all kinds of goings on tonight. We are going to check out all the crazy sexy costumes, and grab a bite to eat. We are not dressing up but, a cousin of ours came up with great costumes for me. One being--my chair being a Rose Parade float, with me being the Rose Queen on top. The other thought was-----putting a broom out the back of my chair with a wheel attached to it, and me dressed up as a witch. Dubbing me the Handicapable Witch. I thought those would be hilarious costumes.

Do you hear what I hear?

What do you hear at this moment?

Stop and listen.

Be aware of your surroundings.

Me:

Disneyland fireworks

Iron Chef (food channel)

Cars driving by

My bird walking across her cage

Refrigerator hum

I find it amazing the sounds we take for granted and are so used to hearing.

Backyard Pondering

It's Sunday afternoon I have a blanket on the grass in our backyard. My hunny is woodworking on the patio and the dog is hanging out beside me. The sun is warming my body and there is a calm. A peace that I haven't been able to grasp in a few days. Family issues left by the wayside for  the moment and a time to breathe. It is he and I that make us who we are, and understand what we need to fill our souls. It's all pretty simple......respect and love. 

I'll be back.

My mother-in-law passed away Tuesday night, so I won't be posting for a few days.

It's a blessing she's not suffering anymore. Her body was tired.

We are left with sadness and she is free.

Simply a loss

I have always liked being around her. Actually couldn't wait to see her. We laughed so hard we'd cry. She felt safe to me. I felt the sincerity without a try.

A little over a year ago my brother- in- law found out he had cancer. My sister, myself, my husband, and my mom were there when he got the news. That day our lives were changed forever. My brother-in law was to all of us the humor in our lives, the rock, the sounding block and was one of the most sincere people you'd ever meet. He was a principal of a school and he touched a whole community of people. I can't even express how much he was like a father, brother, friend and confidant.

From that day she put off onto all of us, especially myself and my husband, you help and make decisions for us. Along with the immense sadness, we ran ourselves ragged doing every possible thing we could for them. Beyond what we could even conceive that we could be doing all this in our lives. My husband stopped working so that we could take care of him, because my sister has the same issues as myself. My sister didn't do much, and expected a lot. It was like it was our duty. We wanted to be there and help, but we were taken for granted. He went down hill fast and was in tremendous pain and we had to comfort him, take care of personal needs, and become a nurse and administer all kinds of drugs on our on accord. Meanwhile while we did this, my sister was on the phone for hours at a time updating people on his condition and telling of her goings on. Then about 10pm every night go to bed, fall fast asleep while we didn't sleep for about a month.

Anyways, he passed away one evening about a month and a half after his diagnosis. I miss him, I miss his smile and his tender heart and I wouldn't change a thing. Because one of the worst times in my life is also one of the best. We got to tell each other how much we loved one another and was able to nurture someone till there last breath. 

Now I've seen the side of my sister that I never have before. She is completely different and I just can't get over the self absorbency she has around herself. Her ideas of what happened during this are not real. She has herself running a muck and doing things she didn't do.

This person whom I used to love to be around is someone I don't know and really despise. I hate feeling this way and I've tried to do everything in my power to be ok with the whole situation, but I'm not.

She's not a person I can talk to. She has her little world that is perfect, organized and simply naive and somewhat sheltered. This is something dealt with on my own and it's just very sad to me. I've always known her and him, because they were married when I was 2. I really have never known just her. And I know she probably doesn't even know who she is. They were married 35 years. All I know is she is not my favorite person anymore and I have never felt like this towards anyone before. I feel like a horrible sister and I don't know what I'm going to do, but I feel like I've been through a death of 2 people dear to my heart.

Just Sharing

Practice shots for ISM.

I just got my folio finished and figuring out how to send it.

Scary and exciting at the same time.

Sex lives

It is so interesting to hear about different peoples sex lives or lack there of. It is as unique as their lives in general. Some people have always been comfortable with themselves and sexually everything just comes natural. People like myself, took a while to get to that comfort level. Then there are others that will probably never allow themselves the complete pleasures. 

I was talking to the lady that does my bikini waxes and she confided in me that she didn't like sex. She said she would be so glad when her period came, because it gave her an excuse not to have sex. I told her how one of my main culprits of having no sex drive was the birth control pills. For years doctors told me that it had to do with my muscular dystrophy. Finally after bringing it up to all kinds of medical genius and years of defeat, one finally asked me if have I ever tried going of the pill? I did that day, and about a week later my husband was worn out from all the crazy sex. Call me an idiot... but I didn't know that the pill could do that and doctors were convinced it was because of my physical issues. When I brought this to her attention, she said she wasn't on any meds and she loved her husband deeply. She told me of her Iranian upbringing and how she was taught to be covered and proper and sex was somehow not something to be enjoyed. She's fully americanized but those values still and will probably always be ingrained in her. Which makes me feel really bad for her.

It has taken me longer than I would've liked, to become who I am, and getting off the pill was a major step, but not the only one. It has taken a whole lot of soul searching and a yearning to be a sexual being.

Three Fun Facts

Can you share three fun facts about yourself?

(I'll be first)

1. For 4 years I raised exotic birds.

2. I like to be spanked.

3. If asked in a rude way, why I am in a chair? I respond that I was in a skydiving accident. (and I have a whole story to back it up).

Afternoon on the Couch

Relaxing.

Lots of Frosting

Inspiration for may latest painting.

I will share when completed.

It's just a happy picture (no other purpose)

Playing with myself

Being the sexual being that I am, there is something that I really have never been fully comfortable with. There is absolutely no reason for it and I think it's about time to do something about it.

Let me preface by saying that sex with my husband is great and we have fucked every which way. We've done it  in public places, tied up, curtains open in hotel, once while another couple watched. I like rough sex, and the more I get it the more I want it. Not that it's not satisfying it just turns me into crazy sex woman.

That's where my issue comes into play. I never have truly masturbated the whole way through with my husband there. Maybe once, but was not fully comfortable. I want to feel free to do this without feeling shy or self conscience. I will get things going with myself, late at night when he's asleep or in the shower or when he leaves for work. I want to share this with him. I want to be ok if he were to walk in on me doing this. I feel like I would shut down because maybe I would make him feel like he wasn't doing me good enough. Or that it would somehow turn him off.

I've been so horny as of late and sometimes just feel like going into the bedroom and letting loose. Something always seems to inhibit me doing so.

Shoot

I've been doing some personal shoots to get ready to send to ISM. When I've done my little postings for my blog I seem to get alright pics and have the chance to get back from the camera and it's really no big deal. But now that I have this really neat opportunity and I realize, oh shit girl....you're definitely not a model! 

I'm so compelled to do this though. 

You have to hold the camera yourself, or be able to press the button with some part of your body, In doing so, shots are close and not forgiving. I know this site is about exploration and being yourself. I am all for that, and love the individuality of it all, actually I think I will be one of the first on the site to be in a wheelchair. (and body fat, for that matter)

I'm intimidated as all heck,  but have a weird drive to do this.

I love my Wiener

This is Squeezel.

Change

If we stay in the same life genre and don't look out at life in yearning, how can we grow? Yeah there is a huge part of me that likes to feel safe and fears change. But the other part of me that is quirky, feisty, and a little edgy, has gotten me this far. I do want to believe this is the true me. I do scare myself sometimes. When I go out of the normal boundaries of life or (so called normal) I feel that there is some kind of secrecy, because obviously I'm not going to say to my family or friends hey...check out what I'm doing. Being open to new life experiences can often close you up in others. That's.... I guess how self preservation works. I need to progress and I am, but not without struggle.

 My question is, do others have feelings such as this?