Frivolous Franny

Being me in a wheelchair takes some creativity in order for me to be happy.

For instance, there are things that loom over me that pop up every now and then that as a woman I struggle with. Most would find it frivolous, but I think it is the kind of thing where if it is unattainable you yearn for it.

With our Mexico trip getting closer, my anxieties are going into overload. Yes, about stupid shit that I can't do anything about.

I feel that what I have pulled off being in a chair is pretty good in the fact of not falling into the role of stereotypical disabled person. That might sound a bit harsh, but very true. A large portion of the general public have a preconceived notion of how all of us should look and be. I've tried very hard to break that mold.

Anyways, I get down on myself when I am really not going to be the "norm".

So here we go down to a resort were everyone is nude and many are pretty sexy. I know not all, but this is where I struggle in many different ways. Most women (non handicapped ones) would find it pretty intimidating and fuss over being just right. People are going to look at you no matter if you're fat, skinny, ugly, flabby or tight. Okay, now add the not so perfect mid-grade chick in the wheelchair. I know, hold your head high, boobs up and head full force in, right? You, know I will.

In my dreams I would love to slink my body across the pool deck. I would wear sexy high heels and dance at the disco. I would walk up the flight of stairs that go to the jacuzzi and disco. I would take a stroll down the beach. I would frolic naked in the waves.

I know that I will enjoy myself and I will do as much a I can. Yes, some of those things are within my reach, but not on my terms.That is why I say it takes some creativity to be me.

I really am thankful for what I can do and the great guy I have supporting and loving me. But I am human and have thoughts and hopes and wants.

Trip Talk

On the way home from our weekend trip we talked about the different things that we had just encountered at the nude resort. It was so very interesting how people broke down into clicks. Not really in a bad way (not like high school), but I could see where everyone after being there for just a short time fell into a niche. There were the hardcore swingers, the soft swappers, the single ladies, the nudists, voyeurs and the exhibitionists. Then there were a handful of us that really didn't know where we fit in, but we were a part of this whole dynamic.

In our relationship it is new that we are talking to each other about the attraction to others. I don't think hubby realized that he isn't the only one looking at a pretty girl walking by. I think both sexes can be attractive and some more than others and not just always in a physical way.

We discussed whom we found to be nice or sexy or just sleazy. Also we talked about who we were attracted to, guy or girl. There were people we befriended, but not necessarily attracted to. Then there were others we did hang out with that we did find a certain comfort level/ attraction. It was actually kind of refreshing to me that we could put that out there with out a jealousy factor coming into play. It's just such a wonderment to me how some people are super nice and you would want them as a friend and others are as equal but there is an interaction that turns into an attraction. Does that make sense?

Suck it up, and put on your big girl panites.

We've been wanting to go on a vacation, as I've talked about in previous posts. Mexico was top on our list this summer, but we waited too long and now it's hurricane season and don't want to risk it ruining our vacation. We are going to put it of until next May. The weather is suppose to be great that time of year. I think we've resolved ourselves to little weekend getaways here and there.

Vegas kicked it off a couple weekends ago, and now we've booked a little nude resort in the dessert. We researched and felt pretty good about it. This would be our first time to go to one, and just want to experience it. This place is also a "lifestyle" friendly resort, which is okay with us, we know our boundaries and heard that others are respectful of yours.

Now here's where my insecurities come in. Hubby calls to make the reservation, asks about the availability, gives our info, then asks if we could have a downstairs room because his wife is in a wheelchair. First thing out of the ladies mouth is, "You do realize this is a "lifestyle" friendly resort? Hubby says, "yep". Then they proceed with credit card numbers. He said he could tell by her voice that the wheelchair issue threw her off.

So, one part of my mind says, "fuck them" I'm going to go enjoy myself just like everyone else. The other part says, people in wheelchairs don't go to places like this. You're not going to be treated the same and they don't want your kind there. They don't want to be uncomfortable and I might make them feel that way.

I feel very teary eyed right now and need to snap out of it. I will muster up the courage, because that's me.