In between

This is my" in between" painting.

I've been doing this little piece in preparation for another show in June. I paint twice a week at school and it is an easy piece physically to take back and forth. My marriage Equality piece is 30' x 42" and too big for me to handle, plus and art bag filled with supplies. I have done it before and it's a bitch. I look like a fuckin sail boat with it wedged between my knees, and trying to navigate that into an elevator.

I'm trying to do some smaller works for this show because they might sell easier because of the venue.  Obviously the bigger the piece, the higher the price.  Some paintings call for a bigger canvas and I won't look away at that fact if it is what it needs. I do what feels right according to the subject matter and the impact I want to make with it.  This little guy felt right and I have a couple more ideas for some smaller pieces. So that's good.

Update on my personal life.... I'm moving forward with a heavy heart and I feel that's all I can do. Our marriage and individually we are changed forever. Not saying we can't learn or grow from this but just stating an obvious fact. I feel totally different. 

I have some definite ups and downs and I guess have to go with it. i don't have a choice. I've lost myself and that's a weird feeling after years of soul searching and embracing the true me. 

I hold tightly to my painting because that is what I have that is pretty solid and I know it's mine and can't be taken from me.(unless maybe I loose my arms in an accident)

 So shallow, but truth to me.

I find myself realizing some shit about friends and family and what I'm going to put up with and what the new Laroo is going to embrace. I'm so tired of  living a facade, a fantasy life that isn't true to form, walking on eggshells. Basically to make others comfortable, while I feel uncomfortable.

There are some fake ass people out there that talk a big game but don't hold up to what is true and kind. It hurts. We've recently made some new friends that both hubby and I can relate with and "seem" to be more upfront and real. 

Maybe somehow I have let myself seek that out.  Put myself out there as this is what and who I am and the people that are more open minded are filtering in? I can only hope.

This year has been lonely and scary and without people backing you, it was terrifying. 

I don't want to feel like I'm on a surface level anymore with people. I need depth.

Frivolous Franny

Being me in a wheelchair takes some creativity in order for me to be happy.

For instance, there are things that loom over me that pop up every now and then that as a woman I struggle with. Most would find it frivolous, but I think it is the kind of thing where if it is unattainable you yearn for it.

With our Mexico trip getting closer, my anxieties are going into overload. Yes, about stupid shit that I can't do anything about.

I feel that what I have pulled off being in a chair is pretty good in the fact of not falling into the role of stereotypical disabled person. That might sound a bit harsh, but very true. A large portion of the general public have a preconceived notion of how all of us should look and be. I've tried very hard to break that mold.

Anyways, I get down on myself when I am really not going to be the "norm".

So here we go down to a resort were everyone is nude and many are pretty sexy. I know not all, but this is where I struggle in many different ways. Most women (non handicapped ones) would find it pretty intimidating and fuss over being just right. People are going to look at you no matter if you're fat, skinny, ugly, flabby or tight. Okay, now add the not so perfect mid-grade chick in the wheelchair. I know, hold your head high, boobs up and head full force in, right? You, know I will.

In my dreams I would love to slink my body across the pool deck. I would wear sexy high heels and dance at the disco. I would walk up the flight of stairs that go to the jacuzzi and disco. I would take a stroll down the beach. I would frolic naked in the waves.

I know that I will enjoy myself and I will do as much a I can. Yes, some of those things are within my reach, but not on my terms.That is why I say it takes some creativity to be me.

I really am thankful for what I can do and the great guy I have supporting and loving me. But I am human and have thoughts and hopes and wants.