In between

This is my" in between" painting.

I've been doing this little piece in preparation for another show in June. I paint twice a week at school and it is an easy piece physically to take back and forth. My marriage Equality piece is 30' x 42" and too big for me to handle, plus and art bag filled with supplies. I have done it before and it's a bitch. I look like a fuckin sail boat with it wedged between my knees, and trying to navigate that into an elevator.

I'm trying to do some smaller works for this show because they might sell easier because of the venue.  Obviously the bigger the piece, the higher the price.  Some paintings call for a bigger canvas and I won't look away at that fact if it is what it needs. I do what feels right according to the subject matter and the impact I want to make with it.  This little guy felt right and I have a couple more ideas for some smaller pieces. So that's good.

Update on my personal life.... I'm moving forward with a heavy heart and I feel that's all I can do. Our marriage and individually we are changed forever. Not saying we can't learn or grow from this but just stating an obvious fact. I feel totally different. 

I have some definite ups and downs and I guess have to go with it. i don't have a choice. I've lost myself and that's a weird feeling after years of soul searching and embracing the true me. 

I hold tightly to my painting because that is what I have that is pretty solid and I know it's mine and can't be taken from me.(unless maybe I loose my arms in an accident)

 So shallow, but truth to me.

I find myself realizing some shit about friends and family and what I'm going to put up with and what the new Laroo is going to embrace. I'm so tired of  living a facade, a fantasy life that isn't true to form, walking on eggshells. Basically to make others comfortable, while I feel uncomfortable.

There are some fake ass people out there that talk a big game but don't hold up to what is true and kind. It hurts. We've recently made some new friends that both hubby and I can relate with and "seem" to be more upfront and real. 

Maybe somehow I have let myself seek that out.  Put myself out there as this is what and who I am and the people that are more open minded are filtering in? I can only hope.

This year has been lonely and scary and without people backing you, it was terrifying. 

I don't want to feel like I'm on a surface level anymore with people. I need depth.

Another "C" Word

The comfort spot. I think we all search for. A place where you feel you can go, be it in your mind or in your heart or physically. You can't buy it, though some think they can. A connection with someone you've known and just that certain comfort level that pulls your inner being to a center to say every things ok. Finding your comfort spot isn't easy and when found it can be lost if you're not careful. It starts with knowing who you are and staying true to that. 

I've found my comfort spot several times and lost it many more times. As I look back I see where I chose to let others decide what is right or wrong for me. But even the right wasn't right, it was wrong. Being the person I am today, I still struggle, but I do have a mind of my own and can let myself decide was is best for me. Comfort for me is doing things that I know how and knowing that I am capable of doing. Letting myself realize I have the reigns to lead myself to happiness. Art brings me to that comfort zone, I know it's just part of me, it always has been. Sex is another comfort zone, I have to find it more than I'd like to admit. I let it go and must recreate it now and then. But when I do, because of the comfort level with my hubby, there is nothing that feels more right and comfortable. Comfort is knowing someone loves me unconditionally. The shower is a comfort spot for me, I sing, I cry, I masturbate, my thinking area, I love water. Working in the yard and baking brings me to that spot. My husband, laughing, my mom, the bird, the dog, my blanket (which is another story),swimming, laying in the sun, creative thinking,dancing, friends, cookies, frosting, being confidant about who I am in my chair and I'm sure much more......it all is what puts me in my comfort spot.