In between

This is my" in between" painting.

I've been doing this little piece in preparation for another show in June. I paint twice a week at school and it is an easy piece physically to take back and forth. My marriage Equality piece is 30' x 42" and too big for me to handle, plus and art bag filled with supplies. I have done it before and it's a bitch. I look like a fuckin sail boat with it wedged between my knees, and trying to navigate that into an elevator.

I'm trying to do some smaller works for this show because they might sell easier because of the venue.  Obviously the bigger the piece, the higher the price.  Some paintings call for a bigger canvas and I won't look away at that fact if it is what it needs. I do what feels right according to the subject matter and the impact I want to make with it.  This little guy felt right and I have a couple more ideas for some smaller pieces. So that's good.

Update on my personal life.... I'm moving forward with a heavy heart and I feel that's all I can do. Our marriage and individually we are changed forever. Not saying we can't learn or grow from this but just stating an obvious fact. I feel totally different. 

I have some definite ups and downs and I guess have to go with it. i don't have a choice. I've lost myself and that's a weird feeling after years of soul searching and embracing the true me. 

I hold tightly to my painting because that is what I have that is pretty solid and I know it's mine and can't be taken from me.(unless maybe I loose my arms in an accident)

 So shallow, but truth to me.

I find myself realizing some shit about friends and family and what I'm going to put up with and what the new Laroo is going to embrace. I'm so tired of  living a facade, a fantasy life that isn't true to form, walking on eggshells. Basically to make others comfortable, while I feel uncomfortable.

There are some fake ass people out there that talk a big game but don't hold up to what is true and kind. It hurts. We've recently made some new friends that both hubby and I can relate with and "seem" to be more upfront and real. 

Maybe somehow I have let myself seek that out.  Put myself out there as this is what and who I am and the people that are more open minded are filtering in? I can only hope.

This year has been lonely and scary and without people backing you, it was terrifying. 

I don't want to feel like I'm on a surface level anymore with people. I need depth.

Hurdles

I've been struggling with something. Many years I struggled with depression. Dealing with losses, physical issues, upbringing, etc. Since I was young I have had art in my soul. In school I loved art classes and always did crafts. I've done some things along the way to make a couple bucks here and there by being creative. It was not always items of interest, but did it because it was what I knew and just to bring in some extra chump change. After seeing a therapist for about 4 years and learning about me I decided to learn to oil paint. It was unbelievably intimidating for me to even sign up for the class. I had for so long sheltered myself from new experiences that it at the time was such a giant step.Now I embrace my art and the great group of people around me. After getting over that hump, in which I look back now and can't even fathom the struggle, I once again have something else that needs to be addressed and with some sensitivity.

During my time of soul searching and trying to take baby steps (like Bob) :) I physically wasn't doing to well and my husband and mother were very much key players in taking care of me, a lot. At the beginning of me doing things to better myself (like working out,  and being more independent) it was quite a change for us all. Like in the fact of them still trying to assist me and just doing things out of habitual nature. Which in due time subsided mostly and with my sincere appreciation for all they had done.

Now I have found some niches for myself and my husband has been a part of those niches and I've thoroughly enjoyed him doing so. But slowly I've been seeing what was once something that was a big hurdle for me to conquer turning into something that isn't just mine anymore. Even sometimes to the point of it turning into his, and not in a negligent way. I've been forth coming about letting me do some of these things on my own, and being a bit overbearing. I've even said, don't do these things for me, I can pull my own weight. I want so much for him to be apart but without loosing my hard work in the process. Finding a balance, and at the same time some understanding is something I hope can be worked out.