HI

Just checking in.  I can't figure out how to comment stay tuned

I'm alive.

Hello!

My hubby talked me into posting on my blog.

What.... it's been about 3 years? It seems like forever.  Life has had so many twists and turns since then, I wouldn't even know where to start. But i'm doing well. I've lived and loved and struggled definitely, but I'm still sassy and keeping it real. Please know I think of those of you that I followed and who followed me every now and then and I feel like you were definitely a part of my life journey.

I hope all is well and I send you hugs.

Laroo

Just a little more

I just have a tiny bit more to do and then I'm on to my next piece. Which I've already started....It includeds a fire pit and fireflies roasting marshmallows.

I'm content

Yep I'm content.
My hubby asked me today if I could describe how I felt with one word, what would it be?

Content. I said.

He said that was what he would've said. He said he was thinking the same thing.

That thought is from a part of the book Eat Pray Love.
We recently listened to the audio book version, in which I really liked. I liked it so much I'm listening to it again. I never saw it but heard the movie was crap.

So,

The other night I took off my clothes sat between his legs and we talked. (we haven't done that in a long time) We talked a long time. We connected. Then he pulled me close with my legs over his. I bit his neck, he bit mine. I could feel him grow underneath me. We kissed and tongued each other ears and my nipples got hard and he nibbled them and squeezed them. I laid back and he licked and fingered my pussy. I got wet. I got on my knees between his open legs and sucked him, sucked and oooh sucked some more until he came down my throat.

I'm content.

Food and Sex

I have a weird or maybe enlightened sense to me lately. Not an overly happy one but some type of new something something.
I have a strong pull to just do something. Something that maybe I've pushed down for one reason or another. Be it not feeling smart enough, or listening to doubters, or wondering what people might think,
maybe just being scared to fail.
But I know myself. I just don't always believe in myself. I'm not sure fully why that is.
I don't always feel smart, especially if it has anything to do with numbers.
I'm not up on politics and don't feel I can just sit and have a some in depth conversation over much of anything.
In depth conversation about anything........?.....................anything? Wow I did just say that.
I don't feel normal. Many people in my life seem to just know about everything. I don't absorb things I guess. I float along with my little brain.

What I do enjoy talking about is sex and sexuality. I also like food and making food. I like to create and love my mind stimulated by seeing something I've never seen before. I love to fantasize.

I'm thinking about starting a small-tiny business. Maybe having to do with food, most likely healthy food and probably cookies. (yes cookies) If you're good with one , you can have the other.
(my wacky thoughts, but I'm serious)
I'm starting in a while by going to a seminar about starting a small business held by the SBA.

I've wanted to do this for a long time and was never supported on the idea and or also my timing during the  lull in the economy wasn't the best.  Who knows if it would work now , but I'm going to try.

That leads me to another avenue of thought................I feel this strong pull to do something with my life like this a business and the thoughts of a tiny restaurant were first on the table because that's what I thought Ive always wanted.
But , But, But ... If I am at my point of putting stuff on the table of what I want to do.  I would love to do something that deals with sexuality. I'm not quite sure what that is? I feel good embracing sexuality in its many forms. Even though I've been around more sensual sexual people than the general public I want more experiences. Not just physically, but mentally. I hold back. We hold back. I want to move forward. I'm done with being afraid someone will find out. Sex is beautiful and so natural and we all suppress it. (well not all, but most).
I want to work in some type of sex field. I don't want to do porn or prostitute. (I don't think I do)?
But I want to work with people with sexuality???? I don't know what that means exactly???
I want to talk about it, experience it, and help people feel comfortable???????

I know, food and sex....really?
Nope, I don't want them to mix.
I think the food thing is more feasible but it will kick my wheelchair ass and I know it.
And I haven't a clue what to do with the sex thing but it is very much a passion and usually if your passionate about something, you do well at it, right?

I'm  just being honest here.

Thoughts are so very welcome to this menagerie.

Let nature do its thing

I've changed the background color and added the tattoo and dialed in some other details. I've changed my thought process on this a bit. He was going to be tattooing and he still could've but I'm going to add some keys hanging from the tree to kind of go along with the subject of the tattoo. This wasn't the original tattoo I was intending to paint on but found this one and just had a little revelation as to the woodpecker could look like he was unlocking or picking the lock.
Ever  evolving art. This happens with almost every piece in one way or another.

On a side note or kind of an update. I'm depressed.
I'd like to be here all happy, silly, sexed up and nude, but instead I'm depressed and I've been fighting this feeling of...." I can't feel this way" A sort of denial, I guess. But it is real and self destructive and I can't stop it. I feel heavy and tired and numb and just feel like each day that I'm lost. I've unfortunately been here before. This time it's been here for a while and I just didn't want to see it and have to face the facts that I'm here again.
I can put on the happy face and pretty much no one knows. I do that well. These last couple years have been intense for me. Maybe someone else could breeze through it unscathed, but it has taken me down to a low point.  I think the worst part is that I "thought" I had come to a peaceful place within myself and was proud that I found that. Then the last year and a half happened and now I am treading water hoping I can grasp something to pull me out of this hole.

Another in the making

It's been a long time since I've been here. Life gets in the way. But thought I'd jump back on and share a piece that I'm currently working on. Still undecided on the title. Usually by now I have it dialed in. Suggestions are welcome.
And yes that is a woodpecker and he will be tattooing the back of her thigh.
Hope this finds eveyone healthy wealthy and wise.

90% done

I did the under painting as seen a couple posts down and now I'm glazing color on. I need a few more coats and wah la it will be ready for my next show in a week.
I'm going to try to squeeze in one more little tiny piece in before next week.

Silence isn't my friend

In the mornings especially the silence eats at me. I can turn the TV on or listen to a favorite podcast and it diverts my mind for the time being. But the silence stills kills me. I text people and I'm sure they're like why is she texting me little tidbits each day? I try to send positive of funny little messages like: Hope you have a sparkly pink princess day. I do that to my guy and girl friends. It usually comes back with a smile or an LOL.
To sit and paint takes all I have. I didn't paint yesterday like I should've because the house was to quiet and I had to go divert my mind. Music doesn't help at this point. I slide to deep and feel too many things.
I'm going to try to paint today.
I'm not a very cerebral person. Which doesn't surprise you I'm sure. But I am in tuned, emotional, strong,creative, open eyed person who has learned to take once erratic emotional behaviour and bring it to a weird calm. But I feel those fears, uncertainties, wonderment, excitement sitting behind my eyes like a child sitting in front of a window longing to go outside. Those fears paralyze me. Not being the person I want or need to be. Yearning for things in the past that will never be again. Fearing judgement.
Loss of my mom hurts every inch of me. Losing her has turned me into a different person My life is changing. I know life is forever evolving and I'm trying to go with the flow in a organic way. I can't fight it. It is what it is.

Bruised walls

This is my latest piece.

(not finished, it's the under painting)

I can relate to this piece. I can only hope others can, in one way or another.

 I should've been done with it a week ago. I keep putting it off. It's always hard for me to get in the groove, but once I find it,  I'm pretty much on it. 

I'm hoping the folded arms, the posture, the peeling wallpaper, the exposed plaster tells a story without much other explanation. I think I might add a few little cracks still. Then it will be on to glazing the color on.

This guy and some older pieces will be in a show starting beginning of June. 

On another note, an exciting one at that. We've booked another trip to Desire Cancun for the fall! yay!

What is happening?

Met more amazing sex positive people this weekend. So awesome!

Too much to explain here's a few words. Sex educator, 2 lesbians, hubby, girl I kissed a couple weekends ago, couple random dudes all at a table at a restaurant bar being loud and sexy and funny and stupid and had so much fun.
One of the cute butch lesbians was told about my marriage equality piece I painted and I showed it to her on my iPhone and it brought her to tears she was so moved. (it is now worth every hour of every minute I spent on it) I'm so touched.
(i'm all over the board here, i know)

Had two incidences that we're interesting within an hour or so of each other:

I was out front of the restaurant while my sex educator friend had a smoke and she gave me a hug. No biggie I know but when she did, being in wheelchair I was kinda pulled into her chest and I left a lipstick mark. We laughed and everybody wanted a picture of it. it wasn't showing up on pictures, so I said let me do it so it shows. Pulled her top mid breast and planted full lipstick print on her.
Meanwhile some 20 something diva girl walking to the bar next door with a group says, "that's disgusting". I didn't hear it but everybody around us went ape shit yelling at her.
I keep wondering if chickypoo with tiny miniskirt and come fuck me pumps going into the (bro bar) was disgusted by me kissing another girls breast? Or was it that I was in a wheelchair doing this?

An hour or so later and a couple more drinks went back outside with her so she could smoke and I don't even know what spurred this act on but the next thing you know she was sitting straddling my lap faced towards me and I had my hands on her hips and she grabbed my face and kissed me.
This time a guy was walking away from the (bro bar) was like, "Oh my gawd, that's the most awesome thing I've seen. Stopped to talk and tell us how we made his night. It wasn't a french kiss, just a big planted kiss and I guess he liked it. So that was the opposite reaction of earlier on. Interesting.

We just were foolin around having fun and it was a big flirtatious night for all of us.

Hubby was in on a lot of action of his own and it was a blast.

I don't know where all these fun "real" people are coming from??
I'm not going to question it. I'm just going with it.

Educate and stimulate

Hubby met a girl during a recent AIDS walk and for one of those unexplainable reasons he felt comfortable and some sex talk was brought into the conversation. He told this gal that his wife would love her. He made it clear that I'm pretty open about stuff and she decided that if she ran into me ever that she would give me a lap dance.
Well we ran into her into her in our downtown several evenings ago. I never met her and didn't know what she looked like. So this gal sitting outside a restaurant bar on a bench, does kind of a recognition thing to hubby and immediately is in my lap sucking and nibbling on my neck.
It's so random and we laugh and of course hit it off right away. Hubby was right.
We went into the restaurant for drinks and just laughed and talked sexuality. She is a Human Sexuality teacher at a couple of the colleges around. It's was interesting talking with her. I shared a couple stories with her and she did the same. We giggled a lot and it felt so freeing. She told me how pretty I was and I felt a little embarrased and not sure how to take that. Of course it was flattering and weird and awesome at the same time. After sharing with her that I just don't understand why people come onto me. There are so many hotter chicks and gorgeous bods around these parts that they could be all up on, but lately people have honed in on me. Go fuckin figure? I know that might sound conceited and I don't mean it to be. I don't really feel I've done anything different like overly flirting or whatever. I'm not complaining just kind of taken back. Anyways, sharing this with her, she takes my hand and says of course people are attracted to you.......you have (making quotation marks with her fingers) "it". She asked, you know what "it" is right. And I said, I think so.
She said people pick up your openness without really knowing what or why. It's an energy you put off, its the way you carry yourself.
I try my damndest to be confident and take care of myself and find myself being pretty free spirited. But along with all that I just still feel like just a big dork. To grasp any of this is hard. I feel like my outside is a total facade and really I'm not cracked up to be anything with any special energy. LOL

We ended up all touchy feely and hubby even went into the ladies restroom with her to help her wash sticky lube off her boobs. Which is too long of a story.....lol Basically a test package of lube got tossed our way and she ripped it open and drizzling it on her upper chest and she started rubbing it down to her boobs and a guy friend (one I kinda dig) of ours was watching and so I played it up and starting rubbing her boob for a tiny second. I think it stunned some people and maybe even turned some on.

I'm not physically attracted to this gal, but mentally I'm intrigued. I love what she does professionally and personally.. She is so free and kind and real and super fun.

We have met her since for sushi a couple days ago and had great conversation and plan on this next week going to a event with her in Los Feliz. Its so cool to run into people like this. I'm so excited about her being my friend.  I feel so closeted with most of my friends and now we have someone who gets us.
How cool is that. Hubby definitely followed his instinct with that one. Good job!

The Art and the Party

This last week was full of Marriage Equality show openings for us in our art communities art colony and it all went well. Not as well as hoped selling art, but It was successful in bringing people out and them seeing the softer side of what maybe some don't quite get a grip on. The real side, the loving side of humanity and nonjudgmental. It opened some eyes and softened some hearts and raised some money for AIDS walk.

My piece did sell which was fortunate. But only for about half of the retail price because I put it up for silent auction and not that many people were bidding. I was one out of several that sold and that was fortunate. It's going to an awesome cause and I'm good with that.

I think that having an agenda art show such as this and the subject matter used in many different forms is really not a big seller. It's more getting a point across....if that makes sense. Most straight people(or at least not many) aren;t going to put gay art in their bedroom or over their couch. Not that it's wrong, just maybe not their genre.
Then the gay people which it is pointed at, well the work itself needs to speak to them. I know my love for art and not every gallery I go into, even if I appreciate the work isn't going to have me breaking out my wallet to spend several hundred or thousand dollars on a piece. It really has to speak to me.
A straight person bought my piece, but my piece is more a political statement and done in a subtle manner. So it had more opportunity to hit gay or straight. I didn't plan on it doing that, it just happened to be what I wanted to paint.

The openings left us 2 nights in a row with an after party at a local restaurant bar until 2am. I think I'm still recovering. LOL
Saturday night was interesting. There have been these two girls in the past months thatI know kind of ?They are fighting for my attention. I know that sounds funny . They are almost trying to one up each other, sexy dancing around and with me, dedicating karaoke songs to me, one even was biting my shoulders and neck, grabbing my boobs and it's all very surreal. (not complaining) I've never experienced this with anyone before! Hello I'm in a wheelchair and their are plenty of sex goddesses in their high heels and miniskirts around to choose me??! WTF? Of course it feels good and weird and, I'm going with it. LOL

It ended Saturday late night with sitting arrangement at the restaurant as this:
One of the girls Boyfriend ~ ME ~ Girl ~ Hubby    sitting in a row.
Girl started with her hand on my thigh moving it up and I did the same to her. ( I made eye contact with hubby showing him what she was doing, as we both smiled). She turned to me and being silly bit my lower lip. She then had her hand on Hubbies upper thigh and said in white girl wasted fashion "I'm rubbing his dick", I said "good," and I proceeded to put my hand on her boyfriends thigh.She whispers "he's hard" and starts rubbing away through hubbies jeans. At one point she tried to bite my lip again and I said "stop!", if you want to kiss me just do it, and she did. At that moment I kind of lost track of where I was and reality.( ihad 3-4 whiskeys) I'm in my little downtown and these aren't " lifestyle" people and about 30% of the people in this place know us. A girl friend of mine walked up at the crucial time and was a bit shocked, mouth dropped and she shook her finger at me like, no I didn't just see what I saw. (she also was a little tipsy)
It ended up in a drunken mess with the kissy grabby girl and nothing else happened, except just making sure everyone was getting home safely.

It was pretty fun and sexy. I'm kind of at a point anymore where I don't care if people see, but there is still a part of me that does care because most people wouldn't understand where we stand and what we've gone through to get to where we are. They would just dub us as swingers and that is pretty much not the case. The stigma behind that is not what we embrace. Not that its bad for others, but not where we see ourselves.

Going no where fast

I'm not supposed to be home, but I am. Because of the 1960's elevator at my school is broken for the umpteenth time. I was geared up to go to class and guess what? My class is on the second floor. So gearing up and lugging my paint supplies and canvas in and out of my car in a mere circus feat did not pan out today.

So let's blog.

This weekend we went out to dinner  and drinks with some high school friends who lead a pretty bland life but once in a while good to see them. They asked us over for jacuzzi after and we went. Upon arriving wearing my suit and a little cover up. I rolled over to the deck and needed to pop up my front wheels to get up one step on a deck and thought hubby was behind me to push me up (poor judgement on my part) and he wasn't and I flipped myself back in my chair. I china bowled my head, screwed up my back and bruised the heck out of my elbows and ego. After laying there a minute and regaining the fact of " what the hell just happened" Hubby got me up and we got in the Jacuzzi. I finished the eve a little sore and glad I went straight to the jacuzzi because it probably relaxed some stuff.  I did pay for it the next couple days. I went to chiropractor this morning and already feel better.

On a funnier note, Saturday we went to the Improv and saw Mitch Fatel, one of our favorite comedians. It was at an Improv not so close to our house. Not sure if you're aware but Mitch Fatel is open about being a swinger. So we knew there could be great possibility that the show could bring in that kind of crowd. That isn't the reason we chose to go, but it just came as kind of a side dish (LOL). We were standing out front waiting to get in before the show and scoping the crowd and we kept trying to see if we could pick out lifestyle people. There is a certain look, believe it or not. We are not always correct, but many times we are. This cute black guy smiled at me from across the way and I returned the smile back and then he came towards us. He says, you don't remember me do you? He looked familiar and then he mentioned one of the recent meet and greet places we went and instantly we remembered. I thought he was cute then and we had talked to him and his girlfriend for quite a while.
Hubby wasn't really attracted to the girlfriend at the time and neither was I. Beside the point...Anyways.
Funny part is, obviously he's in the lifestyle but he wasn't there for the show. He happened to be the manager of the place and just had recognized us. We're kinda hard to forget. Tall blond dude and redhead in a wheelchair.  He got us in first and sat us in awesome 2nd row seats and made sure we were taken care of. I gave him my art business card and told him if he was ever in our town to give us a ring. The show was great, we picked out a few people that we honed in on as swingers and just had fun. Towards the end in between acts they played the song "I'm sexy and I know it" as a buffer. As soon as it went quiet "manager guy" leaned over a little pony wall next to wear I sat leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, "you're sexy and you know it". It made me giggle a bit and of course blush. He winked. It made me feel good. I told hubby what he said and he just smiled.

We drove home late night and ended up going to a local restaurant bar in our little downtown area. They do karaoke on Saturday nights, we however don't sing but laugh and watch. We met up with a friend who was also ending his evening there and we shut the place down at 2am.

My husband was looking fine all night. My mind was filled all nught with wanting to jump his bones and we did just that when we got home.

Pushing through.

If the last post was unclear, I apologize. I did try to explain a little in the comments section of that particular post. And without going through it here........

Hubby and I are still together.

We are moving forward. I see his eyes opening and he is dealing with demons of the past and working on bettering his life and mine. He is trying to make a difference.

Because of all that's gone on. I'm leery. Yes, our everyday lives are pretty normal. I'm leery of situations. Especially stressful ones. From past incidences it has never been a smooth ride and his thought processes go to protection in anyway they can. Manipulating and covering up have been the choice and I'm tired and don't want to accept this in my life anymore.

I know he loves me as I do him. I don't see the big picture. I find myself living basically moment by moment.

I find it interesting that he equates much of our accomplishments towards the "lifestyle" as we are just this openly progressive couple. I thought we were on the right road at one time and feel I am more open minded than most people. But being open minded goes way deeper than the lifestyle for me. Plus I think to be open minded you should be able to be a free thinker and be able to dig deeper than just sexuality.
So far, the thing that sticks out in my mind is him telling me a new sexual thing he wants to try and felt that was a door opener. Although I feel like it was a step. It was a big deal for him to tell me. I understand, but I thought we were already in that place. so it seemed like a no brainer for me. But most importantly of all......we aren't really even having sex. Like the abandoned sex we are known for having. I have while drinking when inhibition's have been down. But find myself numb and not feelin it on a pretty normal basis. Occasionally those feelings hit and if not acted on, lost in no time. Frustrating.
I've masturbated several times in the past months just to get the feeling over with. That's not like me. ( just because)  I don't feel worth it. I feel its all up to me. It kind of is. I don't want that same routine, it reminds me of shit that we've been through. To have sex half ass for me is not worth it. When I'm into it, I'm into it.
I don't feel as if I can let go. Full trust was what I was working on. I don't have that.

I dealt with that in my younger married years. I'm not sure it was trust, but it was a not fully being there.
Does that make sense? I was dealing with major health issues and depression and I was lonely in a caring marriage (caring because we just pretended like it wasn't there, but other everyday needs were met). No one wanted to help or knew how so instead just let me float through life without trying to help. It was so scary, I can't even tell you. I scrambled and did what I could, but without support I basically stood still. People were there, but it was like they were standing on the sidelines watching.
After many years I was able to somehow pull out of it pretty much by myself and that is what I mean when I say I felt like I came into my own.
There's sometimes now I feel like i did back then. Trying to figure out how to get out of the hole. Who can I grasp onto. My mom is gone.........and even as unconditionally loving she was, she didn't hardly know how to help. I'm not a difficult person. All I want is to know somebody is on my side in crisis and everyday life and just no matter what.
I know hubby has had walls up for protection and wasn't mentally available because of his own issues.
He sees that more now and I'm understanding it.....but it's still scary. The air has cleared a bit and what do I expect when something big comes along.I have been conditioned in a sense. I'm on guard. Will the changing hubby revert to past behaviours or be able to see things for what they are and deal with reality?
I'm not sure.
I've grasped on to some new friends these days. Some kinda know whats going on. But they check in on me ask me how I am and make it known they are available to me without judgement and have compassion. It's quite refreshing and heartwarming. And I have been able to talk with them and it has felt nice. I don't feel so alone.
Hubby is seeing things I think more than ever and our relationship has softened.
 I just fear falling into same routines behaviours and thought processes.
But like he says to me " do you not think I'm capable of change" ?
He wants to change his ways and I'm selfishly leary.

Plus I'm all over the board with thoughts.

Some days are easier than others.......................