I'm content

Yep I'm content.
My hubby asked me today if I could describe how I felt with one word, what would it be?

Content. I said.

He said that was what he would've said. He said he was thinking the same thing.

That thought is from a part of the book Eat Pray Love.
We recently listened to the audio book version, in which I really liked. I liked it so much I'm listening to it again. I never saw it but heard the movie was crap.

So,

The other night I took off my clothes sat between his legs and we talked. (we haven't done that in a long time) We talked a long time. We connected. Then he pulled me close with my legs over his. I bit his neck, he bit mine. I could feel him grow underneath me. We kissed and tongued each other ears and my nipples got hard and he nibbled them and squeezed them. I laid back and he licked and fingered my pussy. I got wet. I got on my knees between his open legs and sucked him, sucked and oooh sucked some more until he came down my throat.

I'm content.

Food and Sex

I have a weird or maybe enlightened sense to me lately. Not an overly happy one but some type of new something something.
I have a strong pull to just do something. Something that maybe I've pushed down for one reason or another. Be it not feeling smart enough, or listening to doubters, or wondering what people might think,
maybe just being scared to fail.
But I know myself. I just don't always believe in myself. I'm not sure fully why that is.
I don't always feel smart, especially if it has anything to do with numbers.
I'm not up on politics and don't feel I can just sit and have a some in depth conversation over much of anything.
In depth conversation about anything........?.....................anything? Wow I did just say that.
I don't feel normal. Many people in my life seem to just know about everything. I don't absorb things I guess. I float along with my little brain.

What I do enjoy talking about is sex and sexuality. I also like food and making food. I like to create and love my mind stimulated by seeing something I've never seen before. I love to fantasize.

I'm thinking about starting a small-tiny business. Maybe having to do with food, most likely healthy food and probably cookies. (yes cookies) If you're good with one , you can have the other.
(my wacky thoughts, but I'm serious)
I'm starting in a while by going to a seminar about starting a small business held by the SBA.

I've wanted to do this for a long time and was never supported on the idea and or also my timing during the  lull in the economy wasn't the best.  Who knows if it would work now , but I'm going to try.

That leads me to another avenue of thought................I feel this strong pull to do something with my life like this a business and the thoughts of a tiny restaurant were first on the table because that's what I thought Ive always wanted.
But , But, But ... If I am at my point of putting stuff on the table of what I want to do.  I would love to do something that deals with sexuality. I'm not quite sure what that is? I feel good embracing sexuality in its many forms. Even though I've been around more sensual sexual people than the general public I want more experiences. Not just physically, but mentally. I hold back. We hold back. I want to move forward. I'm done with being afraid someone will find out. Sex is beautiful and so natural and we all suppress it. (well not all, but most).
I want to work in some type of sex field. I don't want to do porn or prostitute. (I don't think I do)?
But I want to work with people with sexuality???? I don't know what that means exactly???
I want to talk about it, experience it, and help people feel comfortable???????

I know, food and sex....really?
Nope, I don't want them to mix.
I think the food thing is more feasible but it will kick my wheelchair ass and I know it.
And I haven't a clue what to do with the sex thing but it is very much a passion and usually if your passionate about something, you do well at it, right?

I'm  just being honest here.

Thoughts are so very welcome to this menagerie.

Going no where fast

I'm not supposed to be home, but I am. Because of the 1960's elevator at my school is broken for the umpteenth time. I was geared up to go to class and guess what? My class is on the second floor. So gearing up and lugging my paint supplies and canvas in and out of my car in a mere circus feat did not pan out today.

So let's blog.

This weekend we went out to dinner  and drinks with some high school friends who lead a pretty bland life but once in a while good to see them. They asked us over for jacuzzi after and we went. Upon arriving wearing my suit and a little cover up. I rolled over to the deck and needed to pop up my front wheels to get up one step on a deck and thought hubby was behind me to push me up (poor judgement on my part) and he wasn't and I flipped myself back in my chair. I china bowled my head, screwed up my back and bruised the heck out of my elbows and ego. After laying there a minute and regaining the fact of " what the hell just happened" Hubby got me up and we got in the Jacuzzi. I finished the eve a little sore and glad I went straight to the jacuzzi because it probably relaxed some stuff.  I did pay for it the next couple days. I went to chiropractor this morning and already feel better.

On a funnier note, Saturday we went to the Improv and saw Mitch Fatel, one of our favorite comedians. It was at an Improv not so close to our house. Not sure if you're aware but Mitch Fatel is open about being a swinger. So we knew there could be great possibility that the show could bring in that kind of crowd. That isn't the reason we chose to go, but it just came as kind of a side dish (LOL). We were standing out front waiting to get in before the show and scoping the crowd and we kept trying to see if we could pick out lifestyle people. There is a certain look, believe it or not. We are not always correct, but many times we are. This cute black guy smiled at me from across the way and I returned the smile back and then he came towards us. He says, you don't remember me do you? He looked familiar and then he mentioned one of the recent meet and greet places we went and instantly we remembered. I thought he was cute then and we had talked to him and his girlfriend for quite a while.
Hubby wasn't really attracted to the girlfriend at the time and neither was I. Beside the point...Anyways.
Funny part is, obviously he's in the lifestyle but he wasn't there for the show. He happened to be the manager of the place and just had recognized us. We're kinda hard to forget. Tall blond dude and redhead in a wheelchair.  He got us in first and sat us in awesome 2nd row seats and made sure we were taken care of. I gave him my art business card and told him if he was ever in our town to give us a ring. The show was great, we picked out a few people that we honed in on as swingers and just had fun. Towards the end in between acts they played the song "I'm sexy and I know it" as a buffer. As soon as it went quiet "manager guy" leaned over a little pony wall next to wear I sat leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, "you're sexy and you know it". It made me giggle a bit and of course blush. He winked. It made me feel good. I told hubby what he said and he just smiled.

We drove home late night and ended up going to a local restaurant bar in our little downtown area. They do karaoke on Saturday nights, we however don't sing but laugh and watch. We met up with a friend who was also ending his evening there and we shut the place down at 2am.

My husband was looking fine all night. My mind was filled all nught with wanting to jump his bones and we did just that when we got home.

Pushing through.

If the last post was unclear, I apologize. I did try to explain a little in the comments section of that particular post. And without going through it here........

Hubby and I are still together.

We are moving forward. I see his eyes opening and he is dealing with demons of the past and working on bettering his life and mine. He is trying to make a difference.

Because of all that's gone on. I'm leery. Yes, our everyday lives are pretty normal. I'm leery of situations. Especially stressful ones. From past incidences it has never been a smooth ride and his thought processes go to protection in anyway they can. Manipulating and covering up have been the choice and I'm tired and don't want to accept this in my life anymore.

I know he loves me as I do him. I don't see the big picture. I find myself living basically moment by moment.

I find it interesting that he equates much of our accomplishments towards the "lifestyle" as we are just this openly progressive couple. I thought we were on the right road at one time and feel I am more open minded than most people. But being open minded goes way deeper than the lifestyle for me. Plus I think to be open minded you should be able to be a free thinker and be able to dig deeper than just sexuality.
So far, the thing that sticks out in my mind is him telling me a new sexual thing he wants to try and felt that was a door opener. Although I feel like it was a step. It was a big deal for him to tell me. I understand, but I thought we were already in that place. so it seemed like a no brainer for me. But most importantly of all......we aren't really even having sex. Like the abandoned sex we are known for having. I have while drinking when inhibition's have been down. But find myself numb and not feelin it on a pretty normal basis. Occasionally those feelings hit and if not acted on, lost in no time. Frustrating.
I've masturbated several times in the past months just to get the feeling over with. That's not like me. ( just because)  I don't feel worth it. I feel its all up to me. It kind of is. I don't want that same routine, it reminds me of shit that we've been through. To have sex half ass for me is not worth it. When I'm into it, I'm into it.
I don't feel as if I can let go. Full trust was what I was working on. I don't have that.

I dealt with that in my younger married years. I'm not sure it was trust, but it was a not fully being there.
Does that make sense? I was dealing with major health issues and depression and I was lonely in a caring marriage (caring because we just pretended like it wasn't there, but other everyday needs were met). No one wanted to help or knew how so instead just let me float through life without trying to help. It was so scary, I can't even tell you. I scrambled and did what I could, but without support I basically stood still. People were there, but it was like they were standing on the sidelines watching.
After many years I was able to somehow pull out of it pretty much by myself and that is what I mean when I say I felt like I came into my own.
There's sometimes now I feel like i did back then. Trying to figure out how to get out of the hole. Who can I grasp onto. My mom is gone.........and even as unconditionally loving she was, she didn't hardly know how to help. I'm not a difficult person. All I want is to know somebody is on my side in crisis and everyday life and just no matter what.
I know hubby has had walls up for protection and wasn't mentally available because of his own issues.
He sees that more now and I'm understanding it.....but it's still scary. The air has cleared a bit and what do I expect when something big comes along.I have been conditioned in a sense. I'm on guard. Will the changing hubby revert to past behaviours or be able to see things for what they are and deal with reality?
I'm not sure.
I've grasped on to some new friends these days. Some kinda know whats going on. But they check in on me ask me how I am and make it known they are available to me without judgement and have compassion. It's quite refreshing and heartwarming. And I have been able to talk with them and it has felt nice. I don't feel so alone.
Hubby is seeing things I think more than ever and our relationship has softened.
 I just fear falling into same routines behaviours and thought processes.
But like he says to me " do you not think I'm capable of change" ?
He wants to change his ways and I'm selfishly leary.

Plus I'm all over the board with thoughts.

Some days are easier than others.......................

Marriage Equality Painting Day 9

I didn't get much done yesterday as I knew I wouldn't. I did some on the panels on the back and they still need more work. My painting friends came over yesterday. I made a quinoa salad, one friend brought wine and carmel popcorn and another one brought an apple pie. It was a beautiful day to paint outside with awesome people and have good fun food.

On a funny and oh so wonderful note. Found out one of the gal friends a former makeup artist used to do her magic on female parts for Larry Flint during shoots. It became hilariously funny conversation as you can imagine. Evidently he wanted to make sure all vajayjay's looked like moist flowers.
She said any bi-sexual fantasies that she had went out the door after dealing with all the different types of boxes she'd experienced. It was pretty funny to hear about.

Up swing

And no, not what you think.  :)
No swinging here as of lately.
Just feeling a little better than the last time I posted.

Life is going to be a roller coaster and I'm just riding it.  Or swing maybe?

We've had some pretty fun sexual flirtations with some newer and older friends and our own communication is starting to get back on track.

Sex is definitely back on my mind and we've taken advantage of that a couple of times lately. We've even done some new things during sex and that has been pretty awesome.

With the friend flirting thing, it's just been fun because I'm pretty sure they don't have open marriages or swing or anything of that nature. That makes it kind of fun just seeing how far they will go to talk about what they think is so taboo or risque. It's fun to know that we are at a different level and such a turn on to know that "if they only knew" about us. For me personally, that some how revs me up. The fact that they have "no clue" and to them the simplest of things are sexy or sexual.

If they only knew the things we've seen, experienced, or have opened our eyes to experience, they would be floored.

Now that's fun!

It's Dreamy.

I had nice but crazy fantasy dream last night which included Hubby and a guy named J. 

It started out with a friend named J going a business trip and wanting to come stay with us here in California. It was a no brainer and we said sure. J and his wife were and are a couple we met on vacation. We hit it off with them pretty much right off the bat. 

Anyways, back to my fantasy dream as of last night.............we met J at the airport and took him to dinner.  At dinner we laughed and I kept catching great eye contact with both of the guys. There was an intense vibe almost surreal. I had never felt something like this before. As dinner went on the conversation started going towards sex and what each one of us felt towards it and the likes and dislikes. It was as casual and sensual. We closed the place down with our sex talk and proceeded back to our place. No sooner did we walk in the door we all started shedding clothes. Nobody said a word. It was a go with the flow moment, I guess. Hubby started kissing me and lead me to the bedroom, J followed. Hubby flung me onto the bed and I sat up and the next thing you know I had 2 guys kneeling beside me with hard ons. I sucked and stroked each on of them back and forth for I don't know how long and couldn't believe this was happening. Pretty soon Hubby leaned me back and each on of them grabbed a leg and spread it towards them. I gushed with wetness. J put his fingers inside me as Hubby watched. Then Hubby slid his fingers  into me along with J. They were putting me in a place of pure excitement and it all felt so right............

And then I frickin woke up!!!!!!

ARHHHHHHHH.

(and yes, I was all worked up)

 I know this dream stemmed from a conversation that Hubby and I have had, and it was quite interesting that it panned out into a dream.......A frickin hot dream.

Yep, I liked it.

On our recent vacation to Desire Cancun, I had my first girl kiss/ kisses. It was something I had wanted to try for quite sometime and had the perfect person in mind and asked her if we could. She agreed and wow! It was so soft and sweet and hot. I wish we could have prolonged each kiss a little more but I was unsure of myself and it was just all so new.
This particular trip also found me several times with crazy gut feelings for another girl and guy. Who knew this was at all possible? Who the fuck am I?

In the new found openness that hubby and I have come into, it really has been interesting sharing these kind of feelings with him.  To be able to say, I would like to kiss her or she or he really does it for me is such a new and somewhat odd concept for me to grasp. It's not taboo to feel something towards somebody else and share it with your spouse. What a concept!

To know that we are tight as a couple and ultimately are experiencing new things for each other is way cooler than I would've ever imagined. The fact that I know he has similar thoughts and feelings and is able to express it just turns me on and I think bonds us even closer. We ultimately have gained so much out of letting ourselves go and feel what we need to feel, instead if suppressing it.  It sounds maybe not right or not comfortable to some, but this is a new facet of our lives that we are embracing. I never thought in a million years that I could let myself feel this way, but we love each other so unconditionally it's just icing on our cake.

We are dabbling in the club scene and  have gone to some "meet and greets" , but really nothing has come from it.......... except crazy throw down, wild multiple orgasm sex.......that's all.  :)

Sick and Sex don't mix.

*ring* (or I mean cluck, cluck, cluck)

Hi Honey.

Good morning.

How are you?

I'm horny.

*chuckles*(from him)

It's not funny.

I know, it's just the way you said it.

I've been sneezing all morning.

And so on...

Anyways, hubby's been doing the cold thing since Christmas Eve. We try to not have sex and spread around the germs when one is sick. This time we didn't stand by our keep your distance rules. One random act of kindness satisfied us both. The other act of kindness was just helping a brother out. That's all good, and I am a giver, but this girl has been horny ever since the last episode. His sick was overwhelming him last night so, no nooky for Laroo.

I just felt like a crazy woman this morning and just knew I'd be uptight all day. Especially when he chuckled at me and didn't give me anything to look forward to later. So girlfriend got busy in the shower. I pulled out the arsenal, vibrator, nipple clamps and the ever so trusty fingers.

I feel so much better and can now go on with my day with less stress and a happy pussy.

We need to just stop and fuck.

I know at least for us this happens periodically. Where we get so many things going on and we just lose focus of our sex life. It's been about a month and it seems like forever. I asked last night, "don't you want to have sex with me,lately it doesn't seem like it"? He replied, "we need to go to bed earlier". To me and probably many other women, it's not about going to bed early because I want the teasing and the wanting. That gets me going, that turns me on. I want to know I'm wanted and I don't want to ask for someone to do that. I told him that, he replied, "I need to know I'm wanted". Ok that makes sense. I guess I don't assert myself enough and that is something I'm willing to work on. In my mind I think I am throwing off those signals and be flirtatious. I guess they aren't strong enough or they are not ones that do anything for him. I don't want to be boring or not fun anymore.

When we are on the same path of sensuality, there's no stopping us. I yearn for that.

This is such an important part of our relationship, I don't know why we let it go by the wayside like this. I think we have come to a new level with sex in the past couple years or so and that should be a good thing. I know there are underlying thoughts of different sexual thoughts and they need to be addressed. I would like to be in that comfortable spot, that time or place, that day when all is good.....when we can be totally free to both share those deep intimate thoughts. I think there are things we are unsure of..... if something is right or wrong or what the other would think and how far do we want to take these matters. I'd like to think we are way more open than most and have shared a lot, but there is more....there usually is.

Saddle Up

Fantasy based thoughts are engulfing my little mind today. I've actually made myself wet a couple times today with my own kinky thoughts. I worked the gallery today and for the life of me couldn't paint because thoughts of all kinds of sexual goings on were taking over.

Being tied up, but not like usual with straps to the bed post. But ropes cinched around each boob, around my waist, pulled taught against my pussy and ass. My arms tied down at my sides and legs straddled around some kind of saddle. All the while people rubbing oil over my tightly bound body. Teasing me with objects they might put in me. Treating me kindly but with a sense of force that drove me into a crazy mess.

So here I sit on the couch after dinner thinking wow, where do these thoughts come from. Yeah, it does turn me and it somewhat scares me at the same time. Am I freaky? Do other people have these kind of thoughts? 

Orgasms

I was just reading Sequoia Redds blog about orgasms. She writes about what thoughts go through her mind and what a spiritual experience it is for her and it got me to thinking about my own experiences. I hope she doesn't mind me blogging about it also.

Anyways, for me I just let go, I let go of everything for that moment in time. No worries, no nothing. I'm a screamer, a moaner and a giggler. I'm multi-orgasmic and like my sex pretty rough. The rougher it gets the more turned on I get. I'm a different person in my height of passion. I'm willing to do just about anything and feel really out of control. And I love to feel that way, because my life in general is pretty much organized and in control. When I do orgasm, it lasts quite a long time. For me there is a sense of not wanting to stop and a yearning to be out of control. I think it's partially the fear of not knowing if I'll ever feel free that exact way again. I have to hold my pussy tight for a while until I can calm down. I feel fortunate that I can have orgasms almost every time we have sex, and I owe that to a wonderful partner and learning how to just let go. I'm not sure if it is a spiritual experience for me, but it is out of this world.