In the mornings especially the silence eats at me. I can turn the TV on or listen to a favorite podcast and it diverts my mind for the time being. But the silence stills kills me. I text people and I'm sure they're like why is she texting me little tidbits each day? I try to send positive of funny little messages like: Hope you have a sparkly pink princess day. I do that to my guy and girl friends. It usually comes back with a smile or an LOL.
To sit and paint takes all I have. I didn't paint yesterday like I should've because the house was to quiet and I had to go divert my mind. Music doesn't help at this point. I slide to deep and feel too many things.
I'm going to try to paint today.
I'm not a very cerebral person. Which doesn't surprise you I'm sure. But I am in tuned, emotional, strong,creative, open eyed person who has learned to take once erratic emotional behaviour and bring it to a weird calm. But I feel those fears, uncertainties, wonderment, excitement sitting behind my eyes like a child sitting in front of a window longing to go outside. Those fears paralyze me. Not being the person I want or need to be. Yearning for things in the past that will never be again. Fearing judgement.
Loss of my mom hurts every inch of me. Losing her has turned me into a different person My life is changing. I know life is forever evolving and I'm trying to go with the flow in a organic way. I can't fight it. It is what it is.
