Monday, October 29, 2012

The storm has died down

After an exhausting couple months of uncertainty and anger and all kinds of things said.........we are left to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all. There is a quiet. We talk a little and we last night had sex for the first time since my operation 4 weeks ago. It felt good and odd at the same time.
I am told we are working things out. Or we will work it out. I don't know what that means? How do you do that when you feel so hurt and don't believe this won't happen again?  I've calmed down and want us to be "us" again and have tried. I've tried to act normal and go on. It doesn't feel right.
I know there has to be a start of something of some kind and how do you do that without loosing yourself?
I wake up each day with burning behind my eyes and no zest for life. I'm a generally happy person. Where did I go? Where did "we" go?
I'm so tired and mentally drained and people around me are noticing and I've had to tell them we are going through some issues that I can't talk about. It feels really lonely. We have done some random things just to get out, but really just secluded ourselves at home for the most part. It's just all too much for me to go pretend I'm ok, it really takes all I have.
I feel pretty pitiful. I suck.
So fucking scary!

3 comments:

Mind Of Mine said...

Damn. I am sorry things are so rough for you right now.

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh, sweety, I wish I had the magic spell to fix things for you, but I don't. Truthfully, if I had a magic spell, I'd use it myself! There's some weird crap going on around here, as well, as I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the damn time. I just wish someone would address the 800 lb gorilla in the room already. :(

Baby Boomer - Jim said...

Disharmony takes as much effort as mending fences. Anger can exhaust you as much as make-up sex. I remember make-up sex in my first marriage - it was wonderful. It was more beneficial when the issues were mended between us.

Holding hands walking toward the same goal is much better than working toward a goal not shared by the parties.

Acting normal is not being normal. When you are normal without acting, then you have returned where you want to be.

The start is now, each moment. Face to face accepting who each of you are.

You two can only make it when both of you look toward the future and not the rocks in the path you have traveled. Do not let the rocks of the past stop your progress.