Thursday, January 5, 2012

Stepping out into life

I'm slowly stepping back into life as I knew it before mom passed. It's hard. Everything I do reminds me of her. We were connected at the hip. So all the way from her calling me every morning, making lunch plans, going to workout, turning on my heated leather seats in the car cause she got a kick out if it, to going to our hair salon, to seeing her face smailing at me everywhere, cleaning out her house, trying to remember all that she told me and I'm not remembering..........................................it's all around. Knowing she was there unconditionally know matter what. Realizing I'm never going to feel her touch or hear that sweet voice is enough to shrivel up. But I will go on, I have no choice. The world should have stopped that day and it didn't. At least for a minute, it really should have. It's weird ...... her presence is very apparent and engulfs my world. She lived right by me and we did everything like I said together, so everywhere I look I see her. Sometimes I smile and other times I cry.
I'm going to workout with a friend today and go to lunch which was part of what we did and I just have to push through and realize that is what she'd want for me. It's not going to be easy.

The thing that is eating at me so much as of the last few days is......why the fuck are we here? To fall in love and be one with people all to have it ripped away. Then have to go on with life like normal. To fight off the rest of your life the sadness of missing your mom and whomever else has passed. It's just wrong on every level. I know she's with me in my heart.....but I want her here with me! In life....in this fucked up life with me..........

2 comments:

ChiTown Girl said...

Once again, all I have to give is

{{{hugs}}}

I wish I had more...

La Roo said...

Chitown girl- I know its all thoughts and feelings I'm going o go through. I'm embracing it for what it is. I have to let it out...................................
Thanks for being such a sweetie.
Hugs to you friend