A veil or netting or blanket of sorts feels as it is covering my body. It has since my mom died. My eyes rarely cry but I feel heavy behind them. I go on, but not without a heavy heart. I wonder why the fuck we are here to fall in love for it to just be taken away. I know the grief process and I have never gone through it in this manner before. I'm so numb, it's just not real to me. I have had nightmares of this happening for years. My biggest fear. I awoke crying and shaking many nights in fear of losing her. Now she's gone.....and I sit with a blank stare and find myself smiling and having a good time sometimes and feel what is wrong with me.
I don't want to be doom and gloom. I've lived through enough of it and pulled myself to a better place. The pain is so silent right now and I know better than to let it get the best of me. It will eat me alive and I better be able to find a happy place. That is what my mom would want from me and that is what I want for myself, but the hole left in my heart is so very deep.