Monday, January 2, 2012

The weight of sorrow.

A veil or netting or blanket of sorts feels as it is covering my body. It has since my mom died. My eyes rarely cry but I feel heavy behind them. I go on, but not without a heavy heart. I wonder why the fuck we are here to fall in love for it to just be taken away. I know the grief process and I have never gone through it in this manner before. I'm so numb, it's just not real to me. I have had nightmares of this happening for years. My biggest fear. I awoke crying and shaking many nights in fear of losing her. Now she's gone.....and I sit with a blank stare and find myself smiling and having a good time sometimes and feel what is wrong with me.
I don't want to be doom and gloom. I've lived through enough of it and pulled myself to a better place. The pain is so silent right now and I know better than to let it get the best of me. It will eat me alive and I better be able to find a happy place. That is what my mom would want from me and that is what I want for myself, but the hole left in my heart is so very deep.


ChiTown Girl said...

Aw, sugar, I can't even pretend I know what you're going through. As I was reading, I kept thinking, "but LaRoo, your mom wouldn't want you to wallow in sorrow, she would want you to move on with your life and be happy." Then I got to the end of the post and smiled, because of course, you already know that. :)


Bob said...

We've lost both of our parents with both mom's passing within 10 days of each other. Been in your shoes four times over.

Life is for the living so think of today as being the first day of the rest of your life (corny but true). Your mom would have wanted it that way . .. for you to cowgirl up and get over it.

Yeah, it's going to take time but each day will get easier and easier. Stay busy. Get out, be with people. PAINT! Yes, you, PAINT!! Put all of the emotions you're feeling onto the canvas, girl.

And if you think this is bad, just you wait until your best dog friend passes. Not good. Ten times more sorrow. Parents passing on I could dog dying about killed me off.

La Roo said...

ChiTown and Bob- I don't know how I'm going to handle this. You know I am pretty strong and I will go on, you really have no choice. It's really taken about 2 weeks to really feel the effects and I still don't think its fully hit me. Yesterday was a day for release and I needed that tremendously. If feel just beat up. You guys have been so helpful and it's been theraputic just to blog about my feelings. So I guess I just continue doing what I feel is right and go with my gut. Hopefully you can put up with my ups and downs and I will get back in to the blog world and my normal life full heartedly sometime soon.

C said...

awww honey, it's ok to stop and reflect on your mom, in the middle of having fun. tell her you love her when you feel her memories coming in, maybe it's her giving you a hug when you feel that blanket around you. it's all in perception, isnt it.. i look at things like that and it helps. you WILL heal over this pain, but you will always miss her. that is until you see her again.. :) at least thats what i think.. it may not be the catholic version of the afterlife, but i am positive we go on from here, to a better place than here, just like when a baby is born and the loving hands of the parents take hold... thats how i see it when we leave here, maybe we dont know whats on the other side but we have to trust that it will be full of love just as it was here...

big hugs to you.

love ya, toots...