Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Making sense of things
The peace I wrote about in my last post I'm realizing is more of a numbness. I'm sure my mom has instilled some sense of peace in me knowing the solidness of our relationship, but I'm one of no emotion as of her leaving us.
This is completely not like me. I cry and balled at sad movies, at weddings of people I know and I don't know, I've fallen to pieces at most memorials and funerals I've been to. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm quite known for that. Not now, not for the woman who has been everything to me..................
I've been able to socialize and do regular holiday stuff, even held Christmas dinner at our house for the first time. I barely have broken down.....................It does hit me at night more than anything and I have been woken up with horrific images of getting to the hospital just moments after she had passed. It keeps replaying in my head and it has made sleeping so scary.
I think my body and brain are somehow protecting me from the pain that is so deep. It's just weird to know that I am so sorrowful and I can't actually muster up the feeling. I feel so guilty and cold hearted. People that aren't even as close to my mom as I was are in just puddles of grief, and here I stand very stoic and smiling and seeming unfazed by the situation.
I'm meeting my bro and sis at mom's house for about the 3rd day of trying to go through her house, weeding through the memories and figuring out what we all would like to keep. Brother leaves tonight back to Arizona. This will be the last day for a while that sis and I will go to the house. We need a break and the house and it's stuff will still be there, it's not going anywhere. It's going to be a lot of work.
By the way, I have been talking to my mom. Yes, I'm now the crazy person that talks to dead people.
I keep asking her to guide me in what to do and keep telling her I'm sorry when people like my bro and sis try to tell me what and who she liked and what she would want to happen. I know better..........she was my best friend and we talked all the time. I knew her feeling more than anybody. They weren't close to her like I was, and they are putting their own feelings on her and I pretty much most of the time just go along with it. What is it going to hurt? Plus, they need to feel they are doing a good thing. In their heart of hearts they are trying.
But I just keep looking up smiling and saying.............Sorry mom.
The painting above is one of my pieces and just seems fitting for this time.