Friday, July 29, 2011

I'm so vain........I know, I know!

I know your probably thinking ....what the fuck? Actually I'm thinking the same because I've found myself not wanting to post this subject because of the fear of being judged. Then the more I thought about it I realized like I have had to do in the past, this is my personal blog and it's my feelings and thoughts. My story.

I watch what I eat and work out with a trainer once a week and on my own two times a week and have been on this regiment for about 9 years.  I've change up my diet and my exercise routine several times with no change in the past several years. I don't weigh any crazy amount, my weight fluctuates form 128-131 on average. My highest weight about 10 years ago was 160. On a 5'4" person that is a little much. ( actually 3' something in my chair)  :)

About 7-8 years ago I had breast augmentation and liposuction. I felt like my body was just square in shape. Being in a wheelchair I felt like a box that was plopped down in a chair. I needed to feel feminine and couldn't seem to make myself feel that way no matter what. Dealing with my muscular dystrophy and all kinds of other medical issues and drama I was ready to face the world with a whole new me, physically and mentally. I just needed a little help and each day that went on with feeling of being this box in a wheelchair was killing me slowly. It might sound vain or like come on deal with it. Maybe I'm weak to some, but I knew that this was going to make a difference in my confidence and overall being. I finally broke down with terrible weeping and not knowing what to do on a trip to Disney World. ( who wouldn't cry at Disney World, it's just a joke) Anyways, I was just sobbing and was a terrible mess and my hubby said, "what can we do for you"? Embarrassed and ashamed and just at a low of lows ....said, "I need a new body". He was willing to do whatever it took. When we got home we talked about it more and finally made the appointment to see a plastic surgeon.
Without going into all of the details, it was one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

I have blossomed as a person mentally and physically because I did this and am proud of the progression I have been able to fall into on so many different levels. I know some might think how could that possibly be, you can't fix life's issues with plastic surgery. Some scoff at it. All I know is that it has given me the confidence and sustainability in my own life to become a stronger individual. I needed a little hope  and a feeling that I was more than this disability.

That all said and explained, I am now thinking about the possibilities of a tummy tuck and maybe a thigh lift. (Thus the tummy tuck photos above) Because of the liposuction to my thighs and weight loss the inner thigh skin is sagging and my tummy has a bulge and crease as in the second picture down on the right. My tummy muscles are pretty strong, but I'm not able to target certain muscles because of having a Harrington rod running the length of my back. ( I can't bend) So, it's a combo of loose skin and some fat that I just can't tone up.

Ok now this sounds funny because most people don't have to even think about this, but it is my personal issue. There is Laroo standing up, which is only about 10% of my life. Then there is Laroo sitting down, with is 90% of my life. Standing up, my tummy is pretty flat, my leg skin hangs though. Sitting down tummy bulges and crease is very apparent, legs are ok because skin is now between my legs hidden. Am I making sense? It might not mean anything to anybody, but it's an issue for me. I have learned to hide the flaws and accentuate the positive.

Here comes another part that I feel needs explanation, if not for anybody but myself. We are a crazy sexual married couple, going to nude resorts, dressing for sexy nights (barely nothing clothing) and in the beginnings of dipping our toes in the "Lifestyle". If I was your average gal that wasn't so immersed in such acts and just leading a seemingly "normal" life, it probably wouldn't phase me to want to do any of this. I've got my sexy on and want to not being self conscious about these things.  I don't want to have to figure out how to hide my problem areas or how I need to suck it up and embrace them.

I've been to one consultation the other day and am not making any split decisions. I'm going to another one this upcoming week. I'm not sure if any of this is going to happen.

Me: Asking the doctor. How big will the scar be?
Doc: Well pretty large. But your bikini would cover it.
Me: I'm a nudist. ( I wouldn't consider myself a nudist, but I do go to a nude place and this is for being nude) right?
Doc:........ I think a bit shocked, "well, I see........your scar will show"
(pretty funny, hubby could hardly contain our giggles)

This doesn't come easy to me to just talk about this and there some definite other issues to think about when it comes to this and I will be posting on those soon.

1 comment:

eva said...

I think you're brave for doing all of this, and for talking about it. Life is short, make the best of it, be all you can be, do what you want and OWN what you do! :)