Some cousins of my brother-in-law who passed away about 3 years ago came to visit my sister this weekend. He himself is now dying of cancer and the doctors told him if he plans to vacation or see people now is the time. He and his wife are from New Mexico. He has almost lost his voice and I can see what I saw with the decline of my brother-in-law. They came out when my bro was in his final stages. I was not real found of them at the time because they didn't help and it was if they were on vacation. I felt like I needed to entertain them and do for them as well as my bro. Mostly because this was my bro's favorite cousin.This was the time if you were going to come and visit, you either relieved the family or helped in some way. I could go on, but I don't need to.
Anyways, I wouldn't normally and probably wouldn't go see them because I didn't really feel a bond with them. Especially after the way it played out 3 years ago.
But, I had this pull to see him and his wife, so we went over to my sisters this weekend. It was the kind of thing that I felt connected to my brother-in-law. This cousin has his eyes and other little things that remind me of him. We actually had a good time and I just let go my anger that I held.
This is going to sound weird.....especially because I'm not a religious person. I felt the need to see him because he is dying and if there is a place you go such as heaven after you die..........I want this cousin to be able to tell my bro that we are ok and happy.
I needed that connection so bad. I don't know if that is selfish or wrong, but I just needed it. I didn't say that to the cousin, but feel he will relate it, just because.
I know....I'm odd. I feel like a bit of a melt down coming. I'll give it a good cry and cleanse myself.
( Besides me being so selfish in saying all this, can you imagine what my sis is going through having to relive this up close and personal.) Oh good Gawd!
4 comments:
My Sept. 10th post . . . play the song that's posted. Spirit in the Sky. . . dance with it, cry with it. .. get all out, Laroo.
I understand completly
This is hard to comment on.
I will pray for him and you and your sister and his wife.
Bob-That was perfect. Thanks.
Bigger-Thanks for your sweetness. Comments are always accepted, but I sometimes just need to get things of my chest. Ya know.
ur not odd. ur human. and we all come with complexities that may not necessarily reflect our up-bringing or past. some of us break away, but we may carry residual guilt or a feeling of being out of step or misplaced in our families, in the world. i feel, especially creative ppl, tend toward the somewhat negative self labeling when they're at odds with themselves.
i'm an atheist, but i hope there is a kitty and puppy "heaven" cuz i can't bear the thought of them being alone. my rules, my way of coping with loss. i'm tuff, but they're sweet and innocent. they need fluffy clouds and treats forever.
i see no reason why u wouldn't want some sort of connection or closure, with ur dead bro-in-law and even his cousin (someways even more so his cousin cuz u were feeling less than excepting of them the last time u saw them), and on ur terms, and it's ok. it's not like u were in their face about it. ur not even that kind of person. to have those needs and feelings doesn't make u selfish. just be u, be urself, u'r a good cool beans person. k?
i hope i got this right, and don't offend, and i hope u forgive whatever trespasses u feel u have in ur heart.
i like to melt down at dawn, in my raspberry flavored bedroom. actually it's not a choice, it seems to be more my given hour.
k, hope ur ok. annalise
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