It's weird... because I know this is my little pace in the world to vent and I don't use it as I should.
I've felt very emotional lately about a lot of things. I go through this every now and again. Years past it was quite common and it wasn't a pretty place to be. I felt so alone in many ways. As of lately I've been on an a even keel. It always scares me when I feel like this. I choose not to, but something stronger than me pulls me into some dark places.
The other day in drawing class I literally broke down. We were doing timed drawings, 3 and 4 minute sketches. I tried the first one and struggled and then the 2nd one struggled and by the third one I was just beside myself not being able to get what I needed down. My thoughts and learning's had just gone to some far away place that I couldn't find. Others around me were whipping these things out like no big deal. I got this huge lump in my throat and by the 5th or 6th drawing, tears started dropping down my face. Mind you that in the beginning of class we had our first critique, in which everybody had chosen mine to be the favorite. Now I'd been reduced to worse than kindergarten. With this project of timed sketches we are drawing fast and large which doesn't register with the old brain, obviously. Oh so frustrating, and I am very hard on myself, I know. It really brought me back to a place where as a child many things didn't click with me very fast and I did get left behind in many ways. I don't feel as if I was anybody's dummy, I just didn't pick things up as fast as others. It's hard to explain, I heard what was being said and taught, but to apply it and retain it has always been hard.
So anyways, I come home with my heart on my sleeve. I reluctantly shared with my hubby my story of my day in class. Mistake... "you'll figure it out". Obviously, but I'm hurting and it's not because I couldn't draw a tricycle today at school. Needed some TLC and help.
I'm ridiculous, but there is still an open wound that I'm trying to deal with. Actually a few of them, but I don't want to write about them at the moment.