Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I choose not to feel.

It's weird... because I know this is my little pace in the world to vent and I don't use it as I should.

I've felt very emotional lately about a lot of things. I go through this every now and again. Years past it was quite common and it wasn't a pretty place to be. I felt so alone in many ways. As of lately I've been on an a even keel. It always scares me when I feel like this. I choose not to, but something stronger than me pulls me into some dark places.
The other day in drawing class I literally broke down. We were doing timed drawings, 3 and 4 minute sketches. I tried the first one and struggled and then the 2nd one struggled and by the third one I was just beside myself not being able to get what I needed down. My thoughts and learning's had just gone to some far away place that I couldn't find. Others around me were whipping these things out like no big deal. I got this huge lump in my throat and by the 5th or 6th drawing, tears started dropping down my face. Mind you that in the beginning of class we had our first critique, in which everybody had chosen mine to be the favorite. Now I'd been reduced to worse than kindergarten. With this project of timed sketches we are drawing fast and large which doesn't register with the old brain, obviously. Oh so frustrating, and I am very hard on myself, I know. It really brought me back to a place where as a child many things didn't click with me very fast and I did get left behind in many ways. I don't feel as if I was anybody's dummy, I just didn't pick things up as fast as others. It's hard to explain, I heard what was being said and taught, but to apply it and retain it has always been hard.
So anyways, I come home with my heart on my sleeve. I reluctantly shared with my hubby my story of my day in class. Mistake... "you'll figure it out". Obviously, but I'm hurting and it's not because I couldn't draw a tricycle today at school. Needed some TLC and help.
I'm ridiculous, but there is still an open wound that I'm trying to deal with. Actually a few of them, but I don't want to write about them at the moment.


Bob said...

You're not alone in these feelings. I'd have to bet that most if not all of us experience them at one time or another. Whether it's sometime new or something you've done a thousand times before it happens to the best of us. Where do you think the saying, "Fake it 'till you make it" came from? From the millions who sometimes have to fake it to save face. I am such a dumb shit when it comes to certain things . . . especially when it comes to doing something "handy". Like the other day. New lawnmower. Bob puts oil in the gas tank. No kidding. I did that. Then I wondered where I was supposed to put the gas. I could go on but I've learned to grin and bear it. If I didn't it would tear me up and I'd have no confidence in who I am.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in these feelings. Come up with hubby and let's go sailing. It will do you good.

Gray said...

*hugs you tightly*

I'm sorry things are so out of balance for you right now.

You are in my thoughts....

An Artist Exposed said...

In some ways I would struggle with what you were asked to do - it just isn't my thing. Do persevere though - sometimes we really do have to suffer for our art. As you finish each quick drawing, you must let it go - ignore any problems and give all of yourself to the next. Later - perhaps the next day - look at them and celebrate any part - no matter how small - that you are happy with.
Take care x

eva said...

I've been depressed for years, and read this book about depression where it says not to be scared if I'm getting better and then have flashes of feeling shit again because it is to be expected. But still, when I get moody and tired and start acting weird, I start getting worried that it's not going to pass, but will last for years. Soo I can see how you're concerned about breaking down and crying if you've gone through lots of dark times before. But according to my book it is something that is to be expected and not to worry about. Lets hope you're out of the funk quick! I think you need aromatherapy baths and champagne and chocolates and maybe a foot massage.

I have add and have had some problems with learning since I was a child. I don't consider myself stupid, though. Just not good at learning, especially if it's boring stuff I have to learn, he he.

La Roo said...

Bob- I so appreciate you sharing, because those moments make you feel like you're the only one. I pride myself on being strong and able to handle most things and then something like this comes along and slaps me across the face.
I guess we are all vulnerable in different ways, huh?
Mister, We would love to come sailing. (I think you know way to much about me though) ;0

Gray- Felt that hug and thanks friend.

Artist-You know actually the next class I was able to let it go and just tell myself, I'm doing the best I know how. This isn't my genre' but that is why I'm here...to learn. There is more struggling in art than people can imagine. I think a lot of artists are hard on themselves striving for that perfection to get the point across. I don't know why I thought I would be any different. Thank you for your feedback, it's helpful.

Eva-I'm sorry that you go through this also, it's not a pretty place to be. I have learned how to get out of the hole, sometimes are harder that others.I try to look at the big picture of things and realize that trying to draw a tricycle in 4 minutes that didn't going well, wasn't the problem. Because in reality who cares.? There were underlying issues of insecurity and lack of self confidance that put me into the freeze. Being able to realize that sooner rather than later helps me try to come to grips with those issues. Not that it won't happen again, but just to see where they are coming from helps.
Thanks for your kindness.That helps bunches.

Richard said...

Everyone's minds wander, it's normal. Unfortunately it happens at the wrong time.
As for drawing, it is a creative thought process, it is not fair to put a time constraint on a piece of work.