Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I can't be alone for 2 minutes.

Sometimes when things are quiet and I have a half a moment to look at my life... it scares me. The not knowing why I'm here. The wondering what I would've been under other circumstances. Wondering if I've settled too much or deleted things that I enjoy too much. What's with the wheelchair, because in reality I think that whole thing was some sick joke. I pull it off way to well to be a handicapped person. Should I have had kids? Will I regret not having any? Should I get a tattoo? I want to volunteer doing something but don't want to put the effort into researching it. But know if I found the right cause, I would put my whole self into it. How can I be a better wife? Lover? Friend? Will I ever be the artist I want to be? 
Oh geez, enough!


C said...

i have been there, in that place of unsettled ansy-pansy where you just feel out of sorts... off, a little.... and i hate it too.
when i get like that and start questioning what i could have done different in my life, i make a list of all my accomplishments because i tend to forget them. i also find that i need more sleep and pampering. stuff like a massage, back rub, foot rub, go to a fave restaurant, or go to the theatre and get lost in a movie. i have been known to see 2-3 movies when i am like that. then go home and go to bed.
you will find your way out, you'll see. how bout starting a painting of feeling this way?
music usually helps me re-center... that, and spending time outside or floating in a pool.
yeah, thats nice....



Bob said...

You're getting ahead of yourself when its best to live in the present, not in the past, not in the future. Most of us spin out of control when we begin to consider the what if's in life. What IF we had done this. What IF this happens.... Alan Watts, not to get too heavy into philosphy here, said it best:

"What is the use of planning to be able to eat next week unless I can really enjoy the meals when they come? If I am so busy worrying about how to eat next week that I cannot fully enjoy what I am eating now, I will be in the same predicament when next week's meals become 'now.'

"If my happiness at this moment consists largely in reviewing happy memories and expectations, I am but dimly aware of this present. I shall still be dimly aware of the present when the good things that I have been expecting come to pass. For I shall have formed a habit of looking behind and ahead, making it difficult for me to attend to the here and now. If, then, my awareness of the past and future makes me less aware of the present, I must begin to wonder whether I am actually living in the real world.

"After all, the future is quite meaningless and unimportant unless, sooner or later, it is going to become the present. Thus to worry about a future which is not going to become present is hardly more absurd than to plan for a future which, when it comes to me, will find me 'absent', looking fixedly over its shoulder instead of into its face."

La Roo said...

thanks, and I do just need to remember the positive and move on. You know, painting those feelings is not a bad idea. I have in some ways started to without even putting to much thought to it. My Life's Little Celebration picture is an example of that, huh?

Uh Bob, you made me cry. I think I needed to hear that. It is so important to live in the" now". I think I am sometimes, dimly aware of my present. I'm comfortable for one of the first times in my life and it's almost as if I shouldn't be. I'm not use to it, and it's unfamiliar territory to me. So I look for things, kind of like, "am I doing this right"?
Thanks for helping me direct my feelings into today. Most of all, thanks for the time you spent to get the point across.
You've given me a pretty special gift.
x Laroo

Bob said...

I'm happy that in a small way I've made a difference in your life, Laroo. Thank you for the comment.

Just like you, Wifey gets out of source thinking about what she should have done, why she should have done it and then goes on to rant about what needs to be done . .. getting wayyy out there in future land.

Two words bring her back ... THE MOMENT! Be present. Be in the now. Cherish the moment.

Bob said...

It's been a while . . . should we be concerned, Laroo?

La Roo said...

Yes, still here Bob. Just so busy getting ready for our next show the 2nd weekend in May. Miss you.

eva said...

i was thinking the same; where did you go? a new show is great news, though!! good luck with it! are you creating new art for it? if so, you'll have to post some pictures of your art!