New Path

I'm on a personal journey that I thought I had pretty much conquered. Finding myself. Not that I thought I had life all wrapped up in a neat package, but did think I was on a forward positive path.
I might have been but the forks in the road have told a different story of my ignorance and trust and fate.

I'm different. I pretty much look the same, maybe a few pounds heavier from the stresses......but inside I'm different. Life has taken me and turned me upside down and shook all I thought I had out of me.

On that same token, I am free. Free as I ever have been. I know what I don't want, I know what I don't want to put up with. I yearn.....I see how fast things go and how things aren't always what you think they are.
My mind has opened to make changes and see things so differently. To depend on anybody but myself whole heartily, is a new one for me. Also to what level or degree to keep others at. To love hard and give doesn't always come back the way you had always hoped. I learned that with many friends and family this last 16 months.

But this is my path.

I will do the best I can and learn to love again but in a different way.

Simply a loss

I have always liked being around her. Actually couldn't wait to see her. We laughed so hard we'd cry. She felt safe to me. I felt the sincerity without a try.

A little over a year ago my brother- in- law found out he had cancer. My sister, myself, my husband, and my mom were there when he got the news. That day our lives were changed forever. My brother-in law was to all of us the humor in our lives, the rock, the sounding block and was one of the most sincere people you'd ever meet. He was a principal of a school and he touched a whole community of people. I can't even express how much he was like a father, brother, friend and confidant.

From that day she put off onto all of us, especially myself and my husband, you help and make decisions for us. Along with the immense sadness, we ran ourselves ragged doing every possible thing we could for them. Beyond what we could even conceive that we could be doing all this in our lives. My husband stopped working so that we could take care of him, because my sister has the same issues as myself. My sister didn't do much, and expected a lot. It was like it was our duty. We wanted to be there and help, but we were taken for granted. He went down hill fast and was in tremendous pain and we had to comfort him, take care of personal needs, and become a nurse and administer all kinds of drugs on our on accord. Meanwhile while we did this, my sister was on the phone for hours at a time updating people on his condition and telling of her goings on. Then about 10pm every night go to bed, fall fast asleep while we didn't sleep for about a month.

Anyways, he passed away one evening about a month and a half after his diagnosis. I miss him, I miss his smile and his tender heart and I wouldn't change a thing. Because one of the worst times in my life is also one of the best. We got to tell each other how much we loved one another and was able to nurture someone till there last breath. 

Now I've seen the side of my sister that I never have before. She is completely different and I just can't get over the self absorbency she has around herself. Her ideas of what happened during this are not real. She has herself running a muck and doing things she didn't do.

This person whom I used to love to be around is someone I don't know and really despise. I hate feeling this way and I've tried to do everything in my power to be ok with the whole situation, but I'm not.

She's not a person I can talk to. She has her little world that is perfect, organized and simply naive and somewhat sheltered. This is something dealt with on my own and it's just very sad to me. I've always known her and him, because they were married when I was 2. I really have never known just her. And I know she probably doesn't even know who she is. They were married 35 years. All I know is she is not my favorite person anymore and I have never felt like this towards anyone before. I feel like a horrible sister and I don't know what I'm going to do, but I feel like I've been through a death of 2 people dear to my heart.