Friday, April 19, 2013
If the last post was unclear, I apologize. I did try to explain a little in the comments section of that particular post. And without going through it here........
Hubby and I are still together.
We are moving forward. I see his eyes opening and he is dealing with demons of the past and working on bettering his life and mine. He is trying to make a difference.
Because of all that's gone on. I'm leery. Yes, our everyday lives are pretty normal. I'm leery of situations. Especially stressful ones. From past incidences it has never been a smooth ride and his thought processes go to protection in anyway they can. Manipulating and covering up have been the choice and I'm tired and don't want to accept this in my life anymore.
I know he loves me as I do him. I don't see the big picture. I find myself living basically moment by moment.
I find it interesting that he equates much of our accomplishments towards the "lifestyle" as we are just this openly progressive couple. I thought we were on the right road at one time and feel I am more open minded than most people. But being open minded goes way deeper than the lifestyle for me. Plus I think to be open minded you should be able to be a free thinker and be able to dig deeper than just sexuality.
So far, the thing that sticks out in my mind is him telling me a new sexual thing he wants to try and felt that was a door opener. Although I feel like it was a step. It was a big deal for him to tell me. I understand, but I thought we were already in that place. so it seemed like a no brainer for me. But most importantly of all......we aren't really even having sex. Like the abandoned sex we are known for having. I have while drinking when inhibition's have been down. But find myself numb and not feelin it on a pretty normal basis. Occasionally those feelings hit and if not acted on, lost in no time. Frustrating.
I've masturbated several times in the past months just to get the feeling over with. That's not like me. ( just because) I don't feel worth it. I feel its all up to me. It kind of is. I don't want that same routine, it reminds me of shit that we've been through. To have sex half ass for me is not worth it. When I'm into it, I'm into it.
I don't feel as if I can let go. Full trust was what I was working on. I don't have that.
I dealt with that in my younger married years. I'm not sure it was trust, but it was a not fully being there.
Does that make sense? I was dealing with major health issues and depression and I was lonely in a caring marriage (caring because we just pretended like it wasn't there, but other everyday needs were met). No one wanted to help or knew how so instead just let me float through life without trying to help. It was so scary, I can't even tell you. I scrambled and did what I could, but without support I basically stood still. People were there, but it was like they were standing on the sidelines watching.
After many years I was able to somehow pull out of it pretty much by myself and that is what I mean when I say I felt like I came into my own.
There's sometimes now I feel like i did back then. Trying to figure out how to get out of the hole. Who can I grasp onto. My mom is gone.........and even as unconditionally loving she was, she didn't hardly know how to help. I'm not a difficult person. All I want is to know somebody is on my side in crisis and everyday life and just no matter what.
I know hubby has had walls up for protection and wasn't mentally available because of his own issues.
He sees that more now and I'm understanding it.....but it's still scary. The air has cleared a bit and what do I expect when something big comes along.I have been conditioned in a sense. I'm on guard. Will the changing hubby revert to past behaviours or be able to see things for what they are and deal with reality?
I'm not sure.
I've grasped on to some new friends these days. Some kinda know whats going on. But they check in on me ask me how I am and make it known they are available to me without judgement and have compassion. It's quite refreshing and heartwarming. And I have been able to talk with them and it has felt nice. I don't feel so alone.
Hubby is seeing things I think more than ever and our relationship has softened.
I just fear falling into same routines behaviours and thought processes.
But like he says to me " do you not think I'm capable of change" ?
He wants to change his ways and I'm selfishly leary.
Plus I'm all over the board with thoughts.
Some days are easier than others.......................