Thursday, October 11, 2012

I don't know even what to title this??

I feel like getting stuff out on the table and don't want to write in nice neat little paragraphs. I will do my best to keep some continuity.
So it's going to a muddle fuck of ramblings and at least I can say its some kind of a start, right?

Dec 2011 my mom who is my best friend passes away....
plan memorial, have memorial, go through her house and keep and get rid of things, so hard.......

Realize hubby sneaking around doing weird things with Iphone, when i ask to use it he has it locked (not like him)  he lies of course as of why. I find out he's hiding misc porn and discovering new sexual stuff about himself and avoiding to let me in and blatantly lie.  Tells me I cant believe you don't believe me and he wouldn't do anything like this......we are open to each other and he'd talk to me because we are all out on the table with things. Hmmmmm Fuck.
It hurt me because we are "supposed" to be pretty darn open about that kind of thing. He finally copped to his hiding and the outcome was, he says, he felt odd because of the timing with my mom. Which is understandable. I can understand and give him that............
But to come to me with some sincerity and heart in hand and dick in other and I would've rationalize. Give me credit. Sex does relieve stress and I know it, experienced it and am a big girl and can deal with it. Instead he chose the sneaky route which has been common during our marriage. It hurts way worse than the straight talk and good communication avenue. Plus it makes me not trust.

Start renovating my moms house to sell , all the while dealing with her trust and realizing how much money my brother had scammed from her over the years. Felt so dumb and stupid because I didn't understand any of the lingo. Pissed and hurt and trying to do everything by the book. I found papers in trash at moms that brother tried to throw away, mom saying he owed money.

We had talked about ripping out our bedroom closet for years and the subject came up during this beginning of the year time and the next thing you know hubby is ripping out closets leaving lath and plaster exposed with no plan on what we are doing or what we want to do. So now I must go into design mode. And if this is going to be a bedroom redo for the next god knows how many years I want to feel good about it.  So I design it and plan it and he fights me all the way through as to what its going to look like. Not trusting my sense of design. Meanwhile has turned our patio into a workshop. It was a junkyard. It turned into a junkyard where that stayed there for months because he just kept taking stuff out and leaving it. We have a beautiful backyard and patio and he trashed it and left it there. We slept in a murphy bed in our other room for 2 months ,because we live in 850sqft. and had no bedroom, hello! Good enough for guests for a couple nights, not good for anymore than that!
That said, it got finished, it's wild, he likes it, and i like it, he did a great job, it was a hassle and strain and shithole and took every grain in me bugging him to clean up and he finally did.
So that all comes out as he was trying to do something nice for me and get my mind off things.............

Oh yeah and we had an estate sale...........

I get into the Kinsey show in Indiana which was a big deal and hubby immediately says, We're going.
We already have a Desire Cancun trip planned  a week from when this show is and I'm not really in the mood to be going there this time because all that's gone on. I ask if we can afford it and he says yeah we got it covered. So I go along with it and we decided to go to Chicago a couple days before since we've never been there.
In the past year we've really opened our mind and thoughts and communication towards having a more open marriage and we were seemly on this issue on the same page. It has taken a lot of leg work and soul searching so we were going into it pretty confidently. This has to do with this part but I'm skipping around.

In the couple months before the trips I'm dealing with construction finishing at my moms house, us working in her yard to get it curb appeal worthy, buying curtains and misc shit and getting it on the market.  We had 3 offers and 2 back outs within that month. Talk about paperwork. Got a good price for the home and then was waiting for final investments to come in so I could settle the trust.

We went on our whirlwind trips which were fun but physically exhausting and mentally draining. I saw myself drinking a bit more and letting go. I was getting sloppy according to hubby and I think he's right. ( I just started drinking about a year and a half ago after 18years when I stopped because of hubbys drinking issues and he stopped.) He had told me to go ahead it wouldn't bother him so I did start having some drinks. I just felt like letting loose.
These vacations..................
 He felt like we deserved to go do this and was bound and determined?? And had such a drive.
The opening of our minds and souls to each other and being one with the Desire trip turned out with such disappointment. Not with the fact of there just being great people to hook up with but the fact that when it came down to it , we couldn't communicate and bad feelings were felt because of it. Such a workup to these 6 days just seemed all talk and no real credibility towards anything.

We came home still a bit more relaxed and rarin to party. I guess tell the adventures of the good stuff that were positive.
A week later had an Endometrial Ablation (basically scraping of the uterine wall) miniature hysterectomy I'm calling it. I was rid of my period. That was great and this other part isn';t a pretty sight, but I leaked fluids for almost 3 weeks and not just a little bit. It was pretty miserable especially being in a wheelchair.........

But with more concern than that health issue is the fact that hubby has been having traveling pain throughout his body on a constant basis. It's traveling from one joint to another about every 2 or 3 days and it is some days just shutting him down. It's been a thing for years, but of course this year it has hit 10 fold. I worry so much about this and it makes me sad to see him hurt.  He has finally went to the doctor and has an appointment in Nov. hopefully he can get some relief or figure out how to deal with it better.
Ok, while on the subject of his health......we also this went to check on a skin issue he has on his stomache and questioned a white patch below his belly button. We found out he has Vitilago. What is Vitaligo you ask? It's the same disease Micheal Jackson had. Where you lose pigment in your skin.
It's not contagious, doesn't hurt, not cancer......but it can spread, and we're not sure how much or how little. Sometimes it can be treated?? Right now in this spot he's choosing not to go through the extensive treatment in this spot, but if it was to go to his face he said he would.
What a shock? and What are the chances? I know this weighs heavy as do many things lately.

In the mean time into the picture is some friends we've started a friendship with. The He is a friend of hubby's from grade school until out of high school. I knew him since the end of high school. He started coming around when we'd have our gallery openings and brought his wife. We started doing things with them a little here and there and it became a more often type thing. I had been feeling something I wasn't to sure what from the him. (or maybe I did and didn't make sense of it) And I saw her at her birthday in Feb. flirting a tiny bit with hubby. For me it was a pull and it felt totally different than anything before.
For some reason down the line, we let them in the know of what we were kinda into and what Desire was about.
I guess we didn't feel judged or somewhat comfortable, because we don't talk about it that freely.

Now my mind gets a little foggy on this next part, but I do remember hubby being very fidgety after we would talk anything money. This was at the end of June beginning of July??? He would be telling me we were going to have to put money from here to there and then it would be covered in a week or so. This became a current issue and when Id ask if everything was ok he'd say yeah we'll be caught up in the next couple weeks. Right there was my denial spot of not checking and not wanting to deal with.
We continued to spend pretty good on things until I could see the hiding that I've seen before. The quick glances the backup talking and the long explanations. Not cutting to the chase, so to speak.
I confronted him with what was going on...and after another big blow out (because that's what happens everytime) He says we've way over spent. Our savings was pretty much gone, in which we had about $10,000. We were using our home equity line and our credit card which we keep usually very low to nothing on..................................
Mind you, we have awesome credit and are pretty straight and narrow when it comes to spending.

Once again thought "we or he" deserved things and wanted to make us happy. Made dumb rob Peter to pay Paul type moves and had plans on us taking it from my moms money without even discussing it with me. The only part of that type of thing we discussed was when he took off work after my mom passed away and he was worried about not getting a couple pay checks and I said don't worry we'll have some money coming from my moms that we can use to cover it.

There has been so much............

Then there was Bob. My sweet friend I met through my blog. He had gone through such a horrible thing and I was so involved in my stupid shit..............oh my heart aches every day for what happened to him and his family.  I just can't stop thinking about him. The only communication of any kind is to see updates on him and well wishers on his facebook.
I don't know if I will ever talk with him again or if he will remember me or let me in. It hurts. We had and I still have a pretty special bond. I will treasure that always.

Our relationship with these friends previously talked about a few paragraphs back.... well somewhere hubby and I had a talk (a heart to heart) and both agreed that it would be pretty awesome to have them as "friends with benefits". How would something like that come out of the blue? Especially if they weren't even close to being in the lifestyle?
We kind of hinted and teased with the husband first. To see his interest and his reactions. After finding out he had thoughts of it before and never acting but curious about it. Gave us flutter, so to speak of,
 wondering if we could try to see if his wife would ever ponder it or judge it or maybe.........embrace it??
We started flirting and texting and doing more things with her and them in general. Things progress faster with the Him and I because he was pretty much excepting and raring to go. Plus I felt some connection that I wasn't fully expecting. So our texts became very racy and intimate fairly quick. Hubby, Him and myself knew we had to hold back sexually because anything like this was not even on her radar. She's a great girl and good person and didn't want to scare or freak her out. I'm not sure why we took it upon ourselves to try to show her a different more open life?? But we did and ummmmmm.
I guess we saw something in her that felt like this was right and personally I saw a lot of myself in her and wished I would've had someone to tell me my sexual feelings were valid and it was ok to explore and be open to unconventional ideas. Plus, I found her attractive and a pull towards her. See, I would've never had admitted that years ago, but its true. I find Hubby being attracted to her a turn on and me being attracted to the Him and Her a turn on.

And then it begins.........Hubby kind of took it as a challenge as to how far he could push her. Basically through texting and when we were with them. But mostly through texting.......................................
It was all very mellow and very vanilla with  itty bitty twinges of sexual undertones, but very sweet at the same time. This was an every day occurrence starting sometime in July or August with good mornings, funny stupid stuff we'd play around with , to what we were doing, making plans for the next time we'd see them, crashing a wedding to get to be with them, texting, flirting, and it progressed. Oh did I say texting.  We saw a glimmer and kept pushing and she told us she was curious but not even near being "there". Respectable.  They had let us know that their sex life had been sparked and were quite giddy about it, which we were so glad and happy for. How can you not be happy for sex, right?
The Him had even thanked us for opening up a whole new avenue for them because mentally it was pushing them sexually.
It's so hard to give all details and remember times and happenings but one major turning point was Hubby texting her that he wanted to kiss her. At that moment he turned into a 12 year old and so did she. The back pedaling and sorrys were flowin and embarrassment and butterflies in stomaches were all cute and real.
She was floored and didn't now how to react because in her world she had never thought about being with anybody else than her husband or it being acceptable to think about about another man. Our worlds were turned upside down with a "oh shit" what did we do? Long story short (not really, after this epic novel) Everything turned out fine, she soaked it in a bit and realized she was curious and would maybe want to try......maybe flirting and or a kiss. Which already had been happening (not kissing) and she was kind of oblivious to it. It sounds so tame but at the same time, it was a big deal on different levels. Here's someone that has let herself go she had no clue she wanted to go. Also hubby actually putting himself out on a limb which he wasn't real comfortable with. We've been married forever and to just put it out there that he'd say I want to kiss someone else takes some courage. Plus the closer they got to being with one another put me closer to being with the Him.
More texts and more texts lead into more texts. The friends sex life was flourishing and going insane and they would tell us such. Ours on the other hand was fueled but hubby started being obsessed with the whole situation and our sex life and regular life revolved around her and them. I told him as such and asked him if he could please back off I was feeling uneasy and ignored. He said he understood and said he would, and he didn't. I mean day in, day out him trying to see where he push her limits too. Every minute I would look up and he was texting her. Yes, I was texting but not living my life on the phone. This is where we ran into real problems. They had a bit of a puppy love thing going on. I warned hubby of this and even warned the Him at the beginning of all this, because I new to draw someone towards this that hadn't a clue was going to take some nurturing and coddling. Which could take it to a deeper level than I know I had signed on for. They of course shook their head, like no way.

Well they texted in the wee hours of the night when hubby was in ceilings at work, texted on the toilet, texted taking out trash, texted while driving, walking in a store, while on the phone, on the computer, at a party, at the movies,after just getting home from work, after and during dinner and lunch...... ok ok ok all the time.

He was divulging personal issues and she was doing the same. They have some childhood horrors that are pretty much the same and connected on that level.  Plus she was stroking his ego as he was hers. He told me and I appreciated it. She reassured him of his good looks and boosted his confidence. Which feels good, I know. Little by little over a month or so I was getting put on the back burner. We did end up with a makeout session at our house one night which was pretty great. It would've been great if they left and we saw them in a couple weeks or what have you. But.... they texted and obsessed and it was all consuming and it began to hurt. She was even over one night for dinner and I told him I was going to tell her I would appreciate if you guys backed off some, and he agreed and I did. I said, it was becoming to personal and in all this I signed up for "friends with benefits" more to just sexual side than personal. So they backed off a day and back to everything the next but now it was more sexual. Too late and too much! Which is what we were hoping but by now I'm done. I've had it, playing second fiddle and one final text while we were out on a special night out through me over the edge.

I ended up melting down and leaving which I've done twice now. I pulled the plug on the whole thing and I feel like such a shit on all levels. I felt threatened. This is the love of my life and we've been through everything imaginable and I've now been put by the wayside???

I came home both days after long periods out and hashing things over and over and over and realizing our life has some big issues. It had all been coming to a head and this just pushed it over the edge. This is so not like us! We are not drama like everyone else! Now we are! Holy shit!

Hubby has come into some clarity and realization of things of his past that are hard driving him with his actions and insecurities and obsessive behaviours of his present. He's hurt and I've seen it for years and he's shoved it down and used it to sabotage himself and me. It's painful to realize what happens to you in your childhood deeply effects the rest of your life. I know he loves me and I love him. And not in that "I love him!" kind of Jerry Springer way. He's an awesome person and if you have ever met him you would know it. Or you might not because he pushed you away and that would be because he was somehow protecting himself or you were some type of trigger to something hurtful. Anyways he realizes I've done my time in therapy and dealt with my things and he wasn't as upfront as he needed to be during couples therapy. So, now it's his time. His time to see himself in a different light and realize his potential and look at the hurt that has formed him. I hope for him most of all, peace. Peace within himself and knowing how much I adore him and how much he is adored.

The next day or so after my 2nd time leaving, I had a pre planned prepaid tummy tuck.
I know....WHAT!!????
I'm a week and a couple days recovering and doing way good. Actually doc wants me to slow down.

It would take a few more paragraphs and I don't have it in me.

This year takes the cake. I just get tired thinking about it.
I just hope in my heart of hearts we can conquer and come out on the other side.

We are actually still friends with our "friends" and they understood our problems and we've just have things back on friendship level and "maybe" in hopes "someday" we can see if it can ever go any farther.

But for now, healing of mind body and soul.


Anonymous said...

I am glad to see you blogging again, but hurt hearing what you have been going through. I hope each day becomes better.

Hubman said...

Holy crap you've had an eventful year! I hope it's getting better and continues to do so.

Bella said...

Wow, you have been through the ringer and back again. I do hope things calm down for you and that you and hubby can get back on a track that is good for both of you.

The world according to Gaz said...

I always thought thr two of you being so open and honest this stuff would never happen. Hope it all works out for you x

La Roo said...

Baby Boomer-Thank you for the kind words and I can only hope things are looking up.

Hubman-Yeah Right? LOL It seems to be getting better but a lot is raw and right at the surface.

Bella- I do feel like I've been through the ringer and back. Great analogy. Or pullled through a keyhole! LOL
I could only hope can get back on track. I guess time will tell??

TWAT Gaz-Me too. Evidently I was in denial? Or chose not to see? Or always believed too much?
And thanks, I hope it works out also.
Because what we do have is amazing And hopefully with new found outlooks on life and a willingness to check on ones behaviours and see them for what they are, will productively and lovingly move us to better places.

Anonymous said...

That post reminded me a bit of trying to take a sip from a fire hose, which seems like what your year has been. Hang in there, be patient, it will all work out.

ChiTown Girl said...

Wow, I go away for a week, and look what I miss!

I'm so sorry this year has been so stressful for you. Personally, I'm going to be glad to see 2012 end, as it sucked BIG TIME for me!!!

Sending you hugs!

La Roo said...

Blindhound- Ive never heard the saying "Taking a sip from a fire hose"
That just about sums it up. I'm hanging on and totally appreciate the undersatnding and kind words.

ChiTown Girl-I just had to write and get it all out. It's been a couple months since I blogged, which is so unlike me.
I'm sorry life has been sucky for you as well. So sorry I haven't been more of a suppiort. I will try to get better and be more in tuned as soon as I can.
I totally appreciate your kind words and caring thoughts always.

willadean said...

Hey girl! i'm sending you GIANT HUGS right now!!! what an overwhelming year for you for sure... ups and downs... you are strong and brave and beautiful. i want to say on the note of the relationship stuff is that everyone goes thru that kind of stuff... getting too wrapped up with the excitement, not always putting our partners feelings first or checking in with them... and it sucks. :-/ just keep moving forward being open and honest which is so hard sometimes. i'm sending you lots of positive vibes, and also hope you are still healing well :) xxoo

La Roo said...

Willadean- Hi sweetie. The hugs were definitely felt.
Even after this initial post the saga continued and it was horrible. I'm drained , he's drained and it's a good thing love is on our side. The big green monster came over me and I never thought it would. It was way too much for me. How can I want this lifestyle or openess (i like to call it) so bad even still? I know I don't ever want to feel like that again.
We are moving forward and it's hard because we've had to just drop them out of our lives for obvious reasons. I've hurt him by asking him to do this. She's become a good friend to him, but there's been so much obsessing I just can't handle it. I am friends with the husband and like him but I am not over the top and can let things go.
He sees his issues and has some clarity on why, but I just can do it anymore. Some deep wounds of insecurities and self doubt, plus an unstoppable urge to make it work were driving it, she was feeding it. It became a 24/7 situation and that was over my boundaries. It's to me to little too late. I feel bad. I can understand to a certain extent, that he found a friend and that kind of thing doesn't doesn't threaten me but he disregarded me all the way through and I'm not willing to risk it anymore.
I feel like a shit.
Us trying to get someone one board with all this in the first place was a bad idea. I knew it from the beginning. It takes too much shmoozing, stroking egos, confiding, flirting, making feel secure, and that all ends up to intimate, at least for me.
It just happens that we have all this other stuff in our lives and past issues of upbringing all in the mix, it just took a wrong turn.
I'm all about being friends and playing around but when you can't separate it and pull away from it, there's issues.
TMI probably, but feel comfortable with you.
Also thanks for your concern of my healing. I'm doing really well. Doc is impressed and said he hasn't seen this type of fast progression all that much. I'm still of course taking care of a scar and pretty pleased with my results even though my body head to toe is still somewhat swollen and achy. Im' actually bigger than I was going into it. In time everything will shrink down. It's been a tough road dealing with all this and operation too. Thank gawd it hasn't slowed the healing time. Im lucky.
I totally appreciate your input and kindness and understanding. It means a lot. It really does.
Thanks friend.

willadean said...

i'm sending you an email... are you still at if not, send me an email so i have your addy :)

La Roo said...

done deal willa ;)

Bob said...

i hope that ypur situation has improved immeasurably/sending you lots of hugs!!!