Thursday, October 25, 2012

A long warm shower

It didn't end well with friends after all.
Emails were sent, people were hurt. I'm very hurt. Probably because I'm selfish and unthoughtful. I'm trying to make things make sense and have never felt so alone. Hubby says he's there and understands, but he can't possibly. I know he means well, really. He feels he did wrong and says so much.

I feel like I'm supposed to dust myself off and get back on the horse. But all I can do is sit in the dirt and stare and feel sad.

I feel like I did when I lost my mom in a sense. I feel like I lost part of myself. This was one of those things in life I thought was solid and just knew that we could always just drop something if the other felt threatened or scared. Not just this, but everything in life. I was wrong. It hurts to the bottom of my soul. More so I'm sure after this year, but it's real and in my face.
I've worked hard in my life to be strong and confidant and compassionate. I feel a lot of that stripped away. Probably just self pity, but it is how I feel.

Right now I just feel lost. The only thing that is giving me something comforting is a long warm shower. Hubby is trying, but to put much faith or comfort or trust, means for me to be weak and gullible in my mind right now. I use the whole water heater full of hot water and let it run down my body and feel a warm hug and come out feeling refreshed if only for a short time.
Stupid, I know.

I have had time periods that I can let down the guard in the last couple days and end up saying to myself "whens it going to happen again"? What kind of person am I? and where is that point as to
you are just so stupid for being such a push over. How do you go on with this big thing amongst numerous misc. things looming and not trusting?
That was a big confidance in my life was to know my marriage was solid. It allowed me to be unique to myself and to exude my passions and fears without any fear.
Now I fear everything. I hate it. It's scary. I'm so co- dependant.

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