Wednesday, January 25, 2012

2:00 am is scary

I wake up periodically in the early morning hours with remembrances of walking(or rolling) into my moms hospital room just seconds after she had passed. I was by myself, she just lay there. The sheets pulled to her neck, head tilted slightly back with a tube in her mouth.Ohh my sweet mom saying what happened? what happened? Oh mommy.......laying onto her........Nurses and aides looking at me. All I can hear the nurse saying is that she was screaming and yelling for help................................The rest was just a blurr.
I'm so sorry I wasn't there to hold her hand. I'm so sorry she was scared. She was always there for me.......I wasn't there for her when she needed me. Ohhhhhh my gawd.
I can't even cry the way I need to. I lay there staring at the ceiling because I don't want to close my eyes. I go in the living room and bundle up and stare into the TV so I don't keep thinking about it.

2:00 am is fucking scary.


weeder said...

You might want to look into seeing a counsellor/psychologist who specializes in grief counselling. While it's normal to feel sad about the loss of a close loved one, you're putting yourself through a lot of pain when you carry around all this guilt. This grief/guilt is now starting to affect your sleep, and you don't feel that you can cry properly. You said yourself that this is "fucking scary". So it's now time to ask for help. The pain, grief and guilt will likely be deeper and longer lasting if you don't.

Bella said...

This breaks my heart and I just want to hug you. Please do talk to someone if you need to. I'm so sorry for your loss and this pain you are feeling.

La Roo said...

weeder-We do see a psycologist regularly about once a month and we've seen him once since my mom died. Our next appointment being this coming Monday. He's not a grief counselor. I guess you could say he's more of a general guy. Both hubby and I have been seeing him for about 4 years.
I am carrying around all this so deep and the thing is I know it. I'm aware of it. Not in denial......but to let it go is a whole other ballgame. I don't like how I feel and appear. It feels so gross. I feel so gross............

Bella-You are very sweet. I am talking to someone as explained to weeder above. That is also why I am choosing to blog about it right now. I just need to get it out in some way.

I loved my mom so much. She was my best friend. I can't grasp this whole thing. It's so unreal, I knoiw I keep saying that....but it is.

Bob said...

Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.
~ Albert Camus

ChiTown Girl said...


That's all I got....but they're all yours.