Friday, December 9, 2011

Live like there's no tomorrow...really.

A little part of me died yesterday after sitting and watching my mom gasp for breath after breath. Her little body weak and shaky was just such a horrible sight. On top of that she was on pain meds and other IV bags of god knows what. She was in a whole different world and I couldn't even connect with it. At 1pm they took her to drain her lungs and take a biopsy. Afterwards she was so so very weak. Oh mama. So scary to see this. Last night she was doing a bit better and I felt a bit more relieved.
This is just hitting to close to some raw emotions that I have from going through the dying process with my sweet brother in law dying of lung cancer. Holy shit. Seeing my mom peekid and weak and gasping for each breath was absolutely one of the scariest moments of my life. Like it was with him.
I'm beside myself with emotion and hope she has the strength to pull through all this and come out okay on the other end. I don't know if I will need to get a caretaker or find a facility or have her live with us.
I just don't know. My body is wearing down and I feel so much like shit that I don't have it in me to be her full time caretaker anymore. I feel like such a fucking lump. It takes all I have anymore just to get to the hospital.
Here I sit complaining and bitching and here she is fighting and knee replacement and pneumonia.
Get over yourself Laroo........I know.


ChiTown Girl said...

Oh, honey, stop being so hard on yourself! What your going through is so EMOTIONALLY exhausting, your body has no choice but to rebel. You probably feel like you've been run over by a truck.

I'm so sorry your momma is going through all this. I'll be sending prayers and positive thoughts her way. And, yours.

Bob said...

I believe in live like there's no tomorrow plus one thing: PARTY LIKE IT'S 1999!

Okay now, Laroo: Time to straighten up and fly right. 10-4?

Roger. .. over and out!

wheelchairdude25 said...

It's never easy to see a loved one fighting and suffering. I just finished going through this with my grandmother who we unfortunately had to lay to rest last week. Still hard to think about her being gone. Sending you and your family prayers and best wishes during this tough time.

La Roo said...

Mom has ended up In CCU with congestive heart failure also, 2 days ago. It was a very touchy time. My brother flew in from Arizona. She is doing better and I think out of any serious danger now. They will probably bring her down to the regular care floor today or tomorrow.
I didn't get to visit her yesterday and either did my sis.
We both got colds and didn't want to spread it to mom. I don't know if I'll go today or not. I feel so bad not going yesterday to be with her.
I'm trying to take each day as it comes and with her being in the hospital makes me feel safer. When she gets out is when it gets tough. Although it's been tough even at the hospital with all the ups and downs.

Thank you guys for your well wishes, very sweet.

Wheelchairdude25- You've been here before right?
Thanks for stopping by. Sorry to hear about your grandma.

wheelchairdude25 said...

Yes I've been here before. I've been checking you out here since I saw you online at ishotmyself. I've been a fan a long time :D