A little part of me died yesterday after sitting and watching my mom gasp for breath after breath. Her little body weak and shaky was just such a horrible sight. On top of that she was on pain meds and other IV bags of god knows what. She was in a whole different world and I couldn't even connect with it. At 1pm they took her to drain her lungs and take a biopsy. Afterwards she was so so very weak. Oh mama. So scary to see this. Last night she was doing a bit better and I felt a bit more relieved.
This is just hitting to close to some raw emotions that I have from going through the dying process with my sweet brother in law dying of lung cancer. Holy shit. Seeing my mom peekid and weak and gasping for each breath was absolutely one of the scariest moments of my life. Like it was with him.
I'm beside myself with emotion and hope she has the strength to pull through all this and come out okay on the other end. I don't know if I will need to get a caretaker or find a facility or have her live with us.
I just don't know. My body is wearing down and I feel so much like shit that I don't have it in me to be her full time caretaker anymore. I feel like such a fucking lump. It takes all I have anymore just to get to the hospital.
Here I sit complaining and bitching and here she is fighting and knee replacement and pneumonia.
Get over yourself Laroo........I know.