Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Rise and shine (ok, you don't have to shine)
I am up and can't sleep, it's 5:27am. I've been up for about a half hour and realized here's no going back to sleep. I felt anxious...so I grabbed Lelo. Lelo and I found our way to a mini orgasm and now I'm a bit calmer. Now I'm really awake and just thought it best to write down some of the things that I think woke me up in the first place. (besides my pussy) :)
This whole walking thing has been enlightening and scary and down right embarrassing. I know for most it would be yay! woo hoo! You're walking! It's mentally and physically draining. Physically I'm really trying to understand what I can do to find my balance and try to find different ways to walk. ( i know that probably doesn't make sense) .......If I stand and try to take each step carefully I wobble and loose balance quickly ...like a drunk person. Recently I've found if I take bigger steps and walk in in a brisk motion, I can walk better. The problem is stopping. The minute I stop, I'm all off balance. This is all been done only with my trainer or in my house in a small area where I can touch things if I need balance. I am on this journey and I don't know how far it's going to take me. I refuse to give up walking. I can do it in small bouts, usually holding on to something or someone. (Trying not to hold on to anything), I'm much stronger than I've ever been and so I'm taking it day by day to see how far my body will let me go. I know this isn't a thing where in 4 weeks, BAM I'll be walking by myself and in a Hallmark show of the month. This will take years, I know it, and what really do I have to loose? I just have to learn to not get so frustrated. When I am walking at the gym, I of course am all over the place and I cuss my way through it. I lean and loose my balance and , "oh shit". Start up again and double step back not knowing if I'm going down for the count, "fuck". Take a couple steps forward and star veering to the side, "damn it". It's not a pretty sight, I tell ya.
Mentally it takes me back to a bad place. It reminds me of the days of falling all the time. I would fall and not be able to get up. I would have to wait for someone to come along that would offer to pick me up. (like in a parking lot) or I would fall in front of a lot of people and was so embarrassed. Here's this seemingly normal person that just fell out of the blue. The looks and pity and or judgement were horrible, Not to mention the looks that people would give me as I would walk. The stares that wouldn't stop and follow me across a room can be taken with a grain of salt, but wears on the psyche over the years. If there were stairs or a curb in my path it was like someone built a 6 foot wall and said scale it.
So with my revisiting walking and pursuing it , I have my reservations. But it is in my nature to plug along and not to give up. That doesn't mean I do it without feelings of desperation. I don't like focusing on my disability. It gets in my way and I hate looking at it. That's probably why this is so hard so swallow, because this is making me have to look at it. I got comfortable, I was tired of fighting so frickin hard and my wheelchair has opened so many doors for me and taken me places I never thought I'd be able to go. You would think it would make me feel more handicapped, but it has actually make me feel half way normal.
There is some other stuff on my mind, but I don't feel like writing anymore. Maybe I'll do a video later???