Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Rise and shine (ok, you don't have to shine)

I am up and can't sleep, it's 5:27am. I've been up for about a half hour and realized here's no going back to sleep. I felt anxious...so I grabbed Lelo. Lelo and I found our way to a mini orgasm and now I'm a bit calmer. Now I'm really awake and just thought it best to write down some of the things that I think woke me up in the first place. (besides my pussy) :)

This whole walking thing has been enlightening and scary and down right embarrassing. I know for most it would be yay! woo hoo! You're walking! It's mentally and physically draining. Physically I'm really trying to understand what I can do to find my balance and try to find different ways to walk. ( i know that probably doesn't make sense) .......If I stand and try to take each step carefully I wobble and loose balance quickly ...like a drunk person. Recently I've found if I take bigger steps and walk in in a brisk motion, I can walk better. The problem is stopping. The minute I stop, I'm all off balance. This is all been done only with my trainer or in my house in a small area where I can touch things if I need balance. I am on this journey and I don't know how far it's going to take me. I refuse to give up walking. I can do it in small bouts, usually holding on to something or someone. (Trying not to hold on to anything), I'm much stronger than I've ever been and so I'm taking it day by day to see how far my body will let me go. I know this isn't a thing where in 4 weeks, BAM I'll be walking by myself and in a Hallmark show of the month. This will take years, I know it, and what really do I have to loose? I just have to learn to not get so frustrated. When I am walking at the gym, I of course am all over the place and I cuss my way through it. I lean and loose my balance and , "oh shit". Start up again and double step back not knowing if I'm going down for the count, "fuck". Take a couple steps forward and star veering to the side, "damn it". It's not a pretty sight, I tell ya.

Mentally it takes me back to a bad place. It reminds me of the days of falling all the time. I would fall and not be able to get up. I would have to wait for someone to come along that would offer to pick me up. (like in a parking lot) or I would fall in front of a lot of people and was so embarrassed. Here's this seemingly normal person that just fell out of the blue. The looks and pity and or judgement were horrible, Not to mention the looks that people would give me as I would walk. The stares that wouldn't stop and follow me across a room can be taken with a grain of salt, but wears on the psyche over the years. If there were stairs or a curb in my path it was like someone built a 6 foot wall and said scale it.

So with my revisiting walking and pursuing it , I have my reservations. But it is in my nature to plug along and not to give up. That doesn't mean I do it without feelings of desperation. I don't like focusing on my disability. It gets in my way and I hate looking at it. That's probably why this is so hard so swallow, because this is making me have to look at it. I got comfortable, I was tired of fighting so frickin hard and my wheelchair has opened so many doors for me and taken me places I never thought I'd be able to go. You would think it would make me feel more handicapped, but it has actually make me feel half way normal.

There is some other stuff on my mind, but I don't feel like writing anymore. Maybe I'll do a video later???


CarynSKA said...

I'm so happy for you, that you're walking again and pushing yourself. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but you should be so proud of yourself!
PS. Happy (belated) Valentine's Day

Tim said...

LaRoo, you are an inspiration, and your honesty and vulnerability is really great! I love reading your posts!

marquisdgore said...

Good for you for continuing to get those legs working right again.

Does a treadmill at the gym do any good for you?

Fast walking is easier for you? How about hubby chasing you around the house?

I sent you an ebook a month ago. Just wondering if you got it, or maybe your filter auto-dumped it?

Another video would be nice. Perhaps a demonstration of your Lelo?

ChiTown Girl said...

Just curious...has a walker ever helped?

La Roo said...

CarynSKA- Thanks, well it's not like I haven't been walking. I do small bouts. and still do. It's the not holding on that's a killer. But thanks, very nice of you to support.

Tim-Aww thanks. So sweet.

Marquisdgore-My legs have been working they just don't work right. I'm working on it though. Treadmill is a little much for me as of now, but sure that will be something to strive for.

ChiTown girl- A walker would slow me down to much and are very bunglesome. I'm a pain.
Good curiousity though.

Right now, it's 97% chair 3% walking.

Bob said...

3% walking? No way. You're one to not only talk the talk but to walk the walk too, girl. Whether you know it or not, you're walking it 24/7. Remember, those boots are made for walking. . . . and that's just what they'll do. . ..