I woke up early this morning with a bad dream. I lay there still in bed for an hour or more drenched in fear. I seem to go through periods of time like this. These dreams or nightmares should I say make other fears and bad thoughts come flooding to my awake being. I have had depression pretty much all my life and I know what it feels like. These thoughts of death and being alone paralyze me in fear. I turn on the tv and try to get my mind on other things and I just feel all these raw feelings sitting on a fence waiting for me. I have been to a therapist (and still see one once a month) and I have let myself feel. For the last couple years I've felt the best I ever have and I am more comfortable with myself now probably than I ever have. There isn't a day that goes by that these horrible thoughts don't rear their ugly head if only but a second. It was here for more than a second this morning and frankly it scares the shit out of me. The one thing that comforts me is at least I'm aware of these feelings now and have a little more insight in how to deal with it. I think my biggest fear is following in the footsteps of so many and just shoving those feelings and fears so far down.
I am going to be okay, and I just needed to vent and that right there is one of my tools. I am a strong little shit and I've gotten this far in my life and this morning was a little dip.