Wednesday, October 6, 2010

One of those days.

I woke up early this morning with a bad dream. I lay there still in bed for an hour or more drenched in fear. I seem to go through periods of time like this. These dreams or nightmares should I say make other fears and bad thoughts come flooding to my awake being. I have had depression pretty much all my life and I know what it feels like. These thoughts of death and being alone paralyze me in fear. I turn on the tv and try to get my mind on other things and I just feel all these raw feelings sitting on a fence waiting for me. I have been to a therapist (and still see one once a month) and I have let myself feel. For the last couple years I've felt the best I ever have and I am more comfortable with myself now probably than I ever have. There isn't a day that goes by that these horrible thoughts don't rear their ugly head if only but a second. It was here for more than a second this morning and frankly it scares the shit out of me. The one thing that comforts me is at least I'm aware of these feelings now and have a little more insight in how to deal with it. I think my biggest fear is following in the footsteps of so many and just shoving those feelings and fears so far down.
I am going to be okay, and I just needed to vent and that right there is one of my tools. I am a strong little shit and I've gotten this far in my life and this morning was a little dip.


Bob said...

Without the valleys (or lows) in life we'd never appreciate riding high on the peaks.

As for depression, Wellbutrin is a wonderful anti-depressant. I've seen it work miracles with few side effects. It's like throwing a bowling ball down that hardwood alley . . . middle of the road moods and temperment. No dips. Only shit heads.

Bigger said...

Seems to me you have it all under control. Letting stuff out is the best way to be for sure. I know it has to be hard. My motto is we can not control what goes through our head but what thoughts we act on can be controled.

marquisdgore said...

Unfortunately, no one can come up with a magic cure for the cause of your bad dreams. Even your analyst can only guide you to realize your own solutions to the cause.

However,one suggestion for your depression times:

I'm pretty sure Hubby would be glad to help you there.

None of us like to see or hear about LaRoo being sad or afraid. You are instrumental in lighting up other people's lives, despite the restrictions placed on yours.

annalise said...

ur working toward self awareness, independence. u can make choices, to fear, or not. make nightmares important or not. when i find myself in a horrible dream, i tell myself to get out now. when i'm awake i lie there, comfort my brain, tell myself it wasn't real, etc. when i have an amazing dream, i say this is an amazing dream, stay with it, let it take u. but this isn't really what ur talking about.

it's about ur fears. they're real but they're not. trust ur voice, the other ones don't matter, no one else's approval really matters. let doubt take a walk and don't call it back. send it packing with fear and uncertainly, tell 'em to remember to buy a ticket for self loathing and self hatered and laroo, tell 'em bye bye.

u have it covered, u wouldn't have this fear if u hadn't taken steps away from the pack. ur heading in the right direction. ^_^

La Roo said...

Bob-I'm just not a total believer in the drug thing. Been there done that and I became a mono toned mess. Couldn't feel happy or sad just nothing. I don;t want to numb the my feelings. I want to be more aware of them and deal with them as they happen. Finding strengh in myself is the key. I don't always know where it is.

Bigger-I don't know if I have it all under control, but I do know it is good to let things out like this.

marquisdgore-I don't have time at the moment to check out the site, but i will.
I can only hope that I can get a grip and find some peace someday with this issue.

annalise-I do wake myself up during these episodes and then try to think of happier things. I try to put my self in a good place. The bad thoughts seem to know how to over ride the good and it takes over and I usually end up in a sniveling mess. I know it has a lot to do with self doubt and the fact that I have lost some people dear to my heart in the blink of an eye. I deal with it the best I know how, but that doesn't always bring me comfort.

I do appreciate everyone's kind words and thoughts.
It does help to hear different views and know that people care.