Friday, April 16, 2010

Sometimes I hate sleeping.

An uncomfortable dream woke me this morning around 6:15am. My dreams scare me. It was about my mom, My mom and I are very tight and best of friends. I've had these type of dreams for years and they just come and hit me like a ton of bricks. They always involved watching her deteriorate or die or me not being able to help her at that desparate time. My mom calls me every morning at 7:30 and I always dream it is 8:00am and she hasn't called. I wake up in a sweat or crying because I know something has happened and what am I going to find. My mom is older and this could very easily happen. Weird thing is that I've had dreams or nightmares like this since I was a teenager. It never gets any easier. I feel like she has died many times over. I don't know what I will do without her when it really does happen.
So here I lay in bed with the computer on my chest looking at the time 7:01am and just hoping I have another day with her.

I sound like such a tortured soul...huh?
I'm a happy person, but I wear my heart on my sleeve and this is the place where I can get things out.

7 comments:

Bob said...

Two things: #1 One day we'll talk about your dreams or you should speak to a professional. Really. I'm concerned that when your mother passes you'll not be "right" for a very long time. Now is the time (shit, here bob goes giving fucking advise when he said he'd stop doing that STOP IT BOB!) to reconcile these feelings while your mother is still with us.

Wifey had similar issues before the death of her mother....sensing that together we worked through it and later on some additional help was through talk therapy with a professional.

#2 Curious....just how old is you mom? Hmmmm.....

Gray said...

I know I've worried in the past about my mother. She's 3000 miles away. I do my best to keep in contact and let her know how I feel often.

*hugs*

Bigger said...

Dreams are so real. I wake about once a month with a bad dream. luckly for me they usally do not consit of death of anyone esecpt me. I usally am the one who is dying or the world is coming to an end.

La Roo said...

Bob-Dreams have different meanings than they actually present themselves as, huh? I just wonder....
I don't really feel I have any reconciling to do. I talk about all kinds of things with her and tell her I love her almost everyday. It's more the fact of missing the heck out of her and the unconditional love she gives. I like your advice, so keep it coming.

Gray-wow, you live far away from your mom. That's good you keep in touch and let her know how you feel. That makes those miles seem not so far. :)
Hugs back honey. :)

Bigger-It's kind of weird what kind of dreams we all have. Yours seem scary too.

Sulpicia said...

As a lucid dreamer, lucid nightmarer, looping dreamer-nightmarer... As a person who sometimes dreams so real I occasionally have to ask if what I dreamed about/with a person was dream or reality... I can understand how disturbing the dreams about your mother must be. SO real. Evidenced by the way you lie there waiting for that all important phone call after such a dream.

I have no advice. But my impression is that obviously your mom is VERY important to you... Losing her would be devasting. Maybe all these dreams are there to help you when the dream becomes a reality.

I'm not trying to be morbid. I've dealt with a LOT of death and possible death... I think your dreams can help you get to a place where death is OK. Because it is. It hurts... We ache at the loss. We don't know what happens after. But what our society fails to teach us and help us understand is that it really is OK. And, generally, we seek to avoid the topic altogether.

We all live and die. It's perfectly natural. What our society does is make it unnatural. We need to learn to honour passing as we honour birth. Honour the spirit of the person... Which always remains, never leaves us.

I apologize if that was sickenly lectury. And I hope I don't sound flip. As I said, I've dealt with many deaths but was graced with a best friend who taught me that death was nothing to fear at all. He died in February. He was my best friend. And his vocation was to help others pass through those difficult times when they lost someone they loved. In his last days we had many conversations about death. It's not to be feared.

I hope you have many more morning phone calls with your mom. And when they can't be actual phonecalls, that you have many morning converstions with her. XS

La Roo said...

Sulpicia- My mom is very important to me. I too have dealt with a lot of death and just know the finality of it oh so well. Maybe these dreams having been preparing me, like you said. I appreciate your time and thoughts, along with the rest of my friends. It's good to see or hear different perspectives. You are very sweet with your words. Thank you.

evalinn said...

I used to have dreams like this all the time, it´s awful. They´ve stopped now, don´t know why.