Monday, April 12, 2010

Feeding someone elses happiness.

I choose not to sit with it. I will find something shiny and keep my head pointed in a different direction. I know it's wrong, but it hurts and I'm tired of hurting. I feel I haven't been nurtured when times seemed so low, but who I am is not that. That's why it is hard. It's easy to make excuses, avoid the situation, stay at a moderate level. Overseeing the situation and not being to involved is about all I can handle. When i let myself go any deeper I fall apart.
I am happy damn it, leave me alone..........I'm sorry you were left alone to go on. I really am.....I don't wish that upon anybody. Why must you act like you are owed. Why must you be so anal? Why are you so nieve? Why do make me feel this way. Where were you? Money doesn't buy happiness. What's with the tunnel vision? I know you have love. What happened to you in your life that made you feel so intitled? Yet sheltered and self centered and if not only on your terms?

Breathe Laroo.


Tim said...

Not sitting with things like this is what keeps us sane, Laroo. Your passionate expression, both verbally and artistically are the reasons I read your blog. When all is said and done, our next breath is all any of us really have. Breathe on!

Bob said...

When it gets like this immerse yourself in music and art . . . and, as you posted, take lots of deep breaths. I've found that when someone I love gets into "all about them" it's best to do my thing, be happy and leave them to their misery. I hate it when someone "vibes" me. It feels so very awful. Be good to yourself.

Bigger said...

Just Breate

A gentleman that is no longer with us use to say "100 years from now it want really matter." Sometimes this is hard to swallow But mostly true. It is hard to sit and hurt, but like tim said "our next breath is all any of us really have" I wish i had something more helpful to say. But Bigger didnt get all the brains

Gray said...

*hugs* I'm sorry Laroo..

La Roo said...

Tim-I agree to a certain extent. I just don't want to keep everything shoved down and brew it with in myself and be miserable. That's why this blog is a good sounding board. Plius I get lots of good feed back. And yes...I'm trying to just breathe. :)

Bob-I just feel sorry for her and don't know what to do. She isn't a bad person, she just needs things in a tight little package.......all the time and doesn't verbally say she "needs" or "expects", it's in her actions and chosen word.
I am trying to breathe and actually talked to our therapist about it. He himself believes that I'm betweeen a rock and a hard place. But as you said and he did too, "leave her to her misery". That's just so hard for me to do. I'm trying to find a happy medium. I haven't quite found it yet.

Bigger-Kinda like the song, huh?
I know it won't matter 100 years from now, but I want to have more than this shallow existance with my sister now. I don't know if it was always there and I didn't see it. Or if my brother-in-law masked it. When he died, it just became all so apparent and almost to the point of disbelief.

Gray- Thanks....I needed that. Hugs back to you.

Actually the weight of this little feeling or outburst or whatever seems lighter today, which is good. I know it's there and pretty close to the surface, but it seems tolerable at the moment.