Wednesday, October 21, 2009

If I was King Kong, I'd throw him so far.

I wrote a letter last night. One that has been long over due. It is to my hubbby's father, whom in my book a miserable human being. He has been an angry at the world type of person for as long as I've known him. I've seen the horrible effects on his family, especially to my love. He was a drunk and has been sober for about 10years, but still a dry drunk. His behavoirs never changed, because that's all he knows. Last year he lost his wife, my hubby his mother. We now have gone into a realm of how do you help and love someone who doesn't do the same for you. The mother held whatever little string it was to pull them together and now there is no excuse to be around. Yet somehow he reaches out in loneliness, but always reverts back and degrades in the usual way.
I feel sorry for him sometimes, but my loathing at what he did to my husband growing up always makes me snap right from those feelings of pity.
I don't know if I'll send the letter or if I just needed to get it off my chest.
I am going to share it.

I’m sorry your mother didn’t nurture you. I’m sorry your father left you and your mother. You were left on your own while she worked and then came home to drink her sorrows and frustrations away. You were left to figure it out on your own with no skills to do so. You were a little boy, who became tough. She herself left a bad situation at very young age and had to go into survival mode. So she was not nurtured, so therefore didn’t know how to nurture you and make you feel comfortable and warm inside. She was angry at the world, could not handle the joys of others. To show pride was to only show her accomplishments because no one would do that except for her. To let down, be real and loving would show weakness. That would have been to painful, it was easier to drink and kill those feelings. In return killing the relationships around her so she did not have to tend.

You found yourself someone to love and to love you. But she, like you, was not nurtured. She was lost and passed around at an early age. She was a little girl forced to grow up. Relatives took care of her in the means of physically, but mentally there was very little nurturing. A kind of safe warm feeling that we all need. That soft spot, the happiness and joy that makes you feel that you’re important to somebody, isn’t real common place with either one of you.

Next came your family and what were you to do, except what you learned on your own and what you saw growing up. You went into survival mode, you didn’t know how to be a father, you had no role models. She didn’t know how to be a mother, she had no role models. Neither of you had unconditional love except for each other and you truly didn’t know how to nurture that. The stresses of life were to much and you didn’t know how to handle them, because you were never taught . By this time you were to stubborn and set in your ways to want to learn. Because getting angry at the world is much easier than looking at yourself. So the drinking numbs and makes an excuse for everything. And that is what you were taught, so you went with it. That’s what children do, they mimic there parents, and that’s what you did.

The outcome, you are lonely and the family is split apart. Why? There was only survival. By survival, I mean between you and her, and the kids had to survive you. Survive your selfish anger, hate, hostility, drunkeness, and mostly lack of unconditional support and love.

This has effected them in so many ways and you are so wrapped up in yourself (because that’s all you know)you don’t want to see it or even understand it. Because like your mother, the sorrows and pain would be to much. So instead, they will flounder and beat themselves up and pass on some of the baggage that they learned from their parents. Some will drink to numb, some will think they know it all, some will be angry at the world, some will try to reinvent, some will lash out, some will beg for attention. Once again, Why? They are hungry for love and caring and a family unit.

It’s not to late, what else do you have to do (go to a casino). A good person is inside, you’ve just never met him. Make your family proud, fight for them. Go get help ( I know you don’t need it, your life’s perfect, right?) They need a father, a loving father and they need to have peace. You need some peace and understanding for yourself.

You have pushed everybody away with your negativity, anger, your coldness and you mopey disposition. This isn’t new, it was way before she passed, they tolerated it for her. Now they have no reason, because why would you want to be around that. Did you enjoy being around it growing up.

Do yourself the biggest favor and go get happy, get therapy and bring this family back together. It might be a long haul, but I’m sure it will bring happiness to your heart.


Bob said...

Well put. From the heart. But don't waste your time. Old habits die hard. This guy will never change. Focus on hubby. Ignore the old man because anything he wants from you or hubby is all about him and his wallowing in self pity. Yes, all about him....and not about hubby or you. Remember this.

This said, if the old man participates in some long range talk therapy and changes up then maybe, just maybe you can throw the dog a bone. Don't hold your breathe on this one.

La Roo said...

I just needed to get it off my chest. I know he won't change. I guess you could only hope. Not that hubby isn't a strong individual (and you would sure have to be to deal with all that), I feel like I've stood on the sidelines to long and said nothing. I feel guilty for not protecting. I see the pain hubby endures and want to help. I know this isn't going to help and I will keep it under wraps, but it was very cleansing to get it out there at least.
I know you speak from similiar experience, huh?

MarquisdGore said...

I'm no psycologist or psychiatrist, but my guess he won't even read past the first two or three sentences before tossing it aside.
However this will probably do you a world of good to get all this off your chest. Slip it into a plastic sleeve and keep it. Share it with your husband, if you haven't already, then promise each other that you'll never let that happen to the two of you.

Then let the old man go

Good luck

Bob said...

Yeah, I do come from a similar experience hence my advice. Life is much too short to put with b.s. from people like them.

eva said...

You've already written the letter so why not give it to him. You never know, maybe he'll read it and get something from it. I'm sure that sending the letter and giving the old man a chance to change, better himself or understand something about himself+life would be good karma.

It's well written. You get your point across, and in a way that is on his terms instead of being hostile.

Saying that, I've written letters like this to people too, and never sent them. Just writing them was therapeutic. I never sent mine because I had the choice of not dealing with the fuckers again. Ever. Ahhh, such a relief. And I knew they wouldn't change, and it would have been a waste of energy and maybe even caused unwanted attention from them to me. But who knows. Maybe I should have sent them after all, for the greater good and all that.