I’m sorry your mother didn’t nurture you. I’m sorry your father left you and your mother. You were left on your own while she worked and then came home to drink her sorrows and frustrations away. You were left to figure it out on your own with no skills to do so. You were a little boy, who became tough. She herself left a bad situation at very young age and had to go into survival mode. So she was not nurtured, so therefore didn’t know how to nurture you and make you feel comfortable and warm inside. She was angry at the world, could not handle the joys of others. To show pride was to only show her accomplishments because no one would do that except for her. To let down, be real and loving would show weakness. That would have been to painful, it was easier to drink and kill those feelings. In return killing the relationships around her so she did not have to tend.
You found yourself someone to love and to love you. But she, like you, was not nurtured. She was lost and passed around at an early age. She was a little girl forced to grow up. Relatives took care of her in the means of physically, but mentally there was very little nurturing. A kind of safe warm feeling that we all need. That soft spot, the happiness and joy that makes you feel that you’re important to somebody, isn’t real common place with either one of you.
Next came your family and what were you to do, except what you learned on your own and what you saw growing up. You went into survival mode, you didn’t know how to be a father, you had no role models. She didn’t know how to be a mother, she had no role models. Neither of you had unconditional love except for each other and you truly didn’t know how to nurture that. The stresses of life were to much and you didn’t know how to handle them, because you were never taught . By this time you were to stubborn and set in your ways to want to learn. Because getting angry at the world is much easier than looking at yourself. So the drinking numbs and makes an excuse for everything. And that is what you were taught, so you went with it. That’s what children do, they mimic there parents, and that’s what you did.
The outcome, you are lonely and the family is split apart. Why? There was only survival. By survival, I mean between you and her, and the kids had to survive you. Survive your selfish anger, hate, hostility, drunkeness, and mostly lack of unconditional support and love.
This has effected them in so many ways and you are so wrapped up in yourself (because that’s all you know)you don’t want to see it or even understand it. Because like your mother, the sorrows and pain would be to much. So instead, they will flounder and beat themselves up and pass on some of the baggage that they learned from their parents. Some will drink to numb, some will think they know it all, some will be angry at the world, some will try to reinvent, some will lash out, some will beg for attention. Once again, Why? They are hungry for love and caring and a family unit.
It’s not to late, what else do you have to do (go to a casino). A good person is inside, you’ve just never met him. Make your family proud, fight for them. Go get help ( I know you don’t need it, your life’s perfect, right?) They need a father, a loving father and they need to have peace. You need some peace and understanding for yourself.
You have pushed everybody away with your negativity, anger, your coldness and you mopey disposition. This isn’t new, it was way before she passed, they tolerated it for her. Now they have no reason, because why would you want to be around that. Did you enjoy being around it growing up.
Do yourself the biggest favor and go get happy, get therapy and bring this family back together. It might be a long haul, but I’m sure it will bring happiness to your heart.