Monday, May 25, 2009

Butt White

So, I'm butt white. 
I wear sunscreen off and on and then burn and peel. It takes some doing to get myself a nice looking tan. In the years past I hate to admit, but have been a part time booth burner. It had seemed to be the easiest way to gradually work into my summer tan without going through the burning or covering up with sunscreen and not getting any color. It was just laying in a tanning bed for 15-20 minutes for a few sessions and wahhh-la... I was off white. Well, I know better than to do this whole UV skin cancer thing and I'm trying to lean towards a healthier alternative.
So, I've decided to try Mystic Tan. You stand in a booth and you are sprayed for about 30 seconds and your done.
Well, easier said than done.
I checked this whole arrangement out before I chose to go ahead and do this. It seemed that I would physically be able to do this and for such a short amount of time it wouldn't be bad. I even got out of my chair and got in the booth to see how it would be. I was able to hold the walls for balance and it all seemed pretty good. So I made an appointment and came back a couple days later.
I took my mom with me, just for support the first time. So, I do all the preparing you do before you get in. Barrier cream between the toes and fingers and bellybutton, oh and yes you go naked. Barrier cream keeps areas from getting to dark. Then in I go. I pushed a button towards the front of the booth to start it  and then step back on the designated foot plate and position my body. Well, because of my jack rabbit quickness and keen sense of balance, the damn thing nearly knocked my ass over. Oh and by the way, you are supposed to keep your eyes closed and your mouth shut. As I'm being pummeled by the three air compressor type nozzles and almost doing a nose dive, I catch myself and hold on for dear life and realize my legs are together and my eyes and mouth are wide open. The machine stops and I turn around for my back to get the treatment. I hold on with all my might, and here we go again. I get pushed against the back wall and I stand there trembling and shaking. When it's done I throw open the door with this fog like haze rolling out of the door and look at my mom and say "I almost died"!! We just laughed. But I was bummed because I bought a package deal and didn't know if I could do this 3 more times. For most people it would be nothing, but a feather could knock me over, so this was going to be a challenge. Damn it! I don't want skin cancer, but here I am now sucking up Mystic Tan spray and who knows what that's doing to me. Will I be able to catch myself the next time the hurricane force winds blow? Well we don't know right now, but did go to Walmart and purchased a grab bar with suction cups on it to stick on the wall of the spray booth.
As of now, the tan is mediocre at best. I'm told you need to keep going to build the tan up. Yes, I am a glutton for punishment.
(No,the picture above is not me.)( I wish I had her body) :)


Bob said...

I've always thought that given the choice next time around I'd come back as a person of color. I'd ask, Lord, please. . . anything but white. As a person of color getting a tan bod would no longer be something to pursue every May or June. It would be like built in. A built in tan would be sooo very bitching. That's what I want. Always tan. Heck, no more sunburns!

As a person of no color I came with butt white chicken legs. Hate them. I wear shirts most of the time which gives me a tan but it really can be called a farmer tan. Hate that too, especially when I go to the beach.

I'll only be white once. Guess I should relax and enjoy it while I can. You should too.

La Roo said...

I always have said I would like to be a person of color. I'm going to continue and fight for a nice tan because I feel better with a good glow. I like to be tan enough that when I go to the beach I can lay under my umbrella and not burn and not look like a tourist.
Butt Whites Unite!!!

13messages said...

Great story. I prefer the shots I've seen of you to that of the model.

I'm reminded of a time when I met a guy who owned a tanning salon. We were talking about the industry when he said the following as kind of a defensive sales pitch: "It's true that you can get cancer from tanning beds, but not the kind that can kill you."

Nice, huh? :) I don't know if it was his intention, but that cracked me up.

Richard said...

I don't think that using chemicals and tanning lights is a good idea. Especially chemicals.

Apollo Unchained said...

Great story! Not only do I know nothing of tanning booths, but your perspective on it reveals details that would likely be missed otherwise.