I know I shouldn't

I know I shouldn't feel this way.

But I do.

I have every reason not to feel this way.

But I do.


I'm a fraud.
I want to be something I'm not.
It's my body ...my frickin body.
I cover up an hide the bad parts of my body.
My body is lumpy and has folds that are unattractive.
I want to be sexy, I want to be pretty, and I can portray that in some ways, but......

I feel frumpy and have to deal with reality every day. That no matter how hard I work out, watch what I eat, my body is what it is and it isn't changing for nothing. I have skin that sags on my tummy and lumps on the backs of my legs. I have scars from neck to ankles and funky shaped legs. My body is a completely different entity standing up, sitting down and or even laying down.

I sit at 3 foot something in my chair watching the world of leggy shapely bodies walk past me. Even if I have a good day and feel pretty good about myself I have a wheelchair attached to my ass and that seems to cancel it out a lot of times. I try to hold my head high and roll with the tide, but it hurts. I honestly try hard at everything I do. I have my moments where I feel I can conquer the world, but most of the time I struggle to be somebody I'm not.

Hubby says I shouldn't feel this way.

But I do.

It isn't as easy as saying "you shouldn't feel this way". Brush your hands of it, and say ok I don't feel this way anymore.
It is seeded deep and it hurts. I know he says this with only the best intentions and I love him for it.

I've pulled my life together pretty well, but I have shit that sticks with me and eats at me everyday. Little frickin demons that I'm sure we all have in one way or another. This happens to be one of mine and I just felt like putting it out there and maybe might help me deal with it a bit better. Probably not, but it's worth a try. :)