I wake up periodically in the early morning hours with remembrances of walking(or rolling) into my moms hospital room just seconds after she had passed. I was by myself, she just lay there. The sheets pulled to her neck, head tilted slightly back with a tube in her mouth.Ohh my sweet mom ..........me saying what happened? what happened? Oh mommy.......laying onto her........Nurses and aides looking at me. All I can hear the nurse saying is that she was screaming and yelling for help................................The rest was just a blurr.
I'm so sorry I wasn't there to hold her hand. I'm so sorry she was scared. She was always there for me.......I wasn't there for her when she needed me. Ohhhhhh my gawd.
I can't even cry the way I need to. I lay there staring at the ceiling because I don't want to close my eyes. I go in the living room and bundle up and stare into the TV so I don't keep thinking about it.
2:00 am is fucking scary.
