Monday, April 11, 2011

I know I shouldn't

I know I shouldn't feel this way.

But I do.

I have every reason not to feel this way.

But I do.

I'm a fraud.
I want to be something I'm not.
It's my body frickin body.
I cover up an hide the bad parts of my body.
My body is lumpy and has folds that are unattractive.
I want to be sexy, I want to be pretty, and I can portray that in some ways, but......

I feel frumpy and have to deal with reality every day. That no matter how hard I work out, watch what I eat, my body is what it is and it isn't changing for nothing. I have skin that sags on my tummy and lumps on the backs of my legs. I have scars from neck to ankles and funky shaped legs. My body is a completely different entity standing up, sitting down and or even laying down.

I sit at 3 foot something in my chair watching the world of leggy shapely bodies walk past me. Even if I have a good day and feel pretty good about myself I have a wheelchair attached to my ass and that seems to cancel it out a lot of times. I try to hold my head high and roll with the tide, but it hurts. I honestly try hard at everything I do. I have my moments where I feel I can conquer the world, but most of the time I struggle to be somebody I'm not.

Hubby says I shouldn't feel this way.

But I do.

It isn't as easy as saying "you shouldn't feel this way". Brush your hands of it, and say ok I don't feel this way anymore.
It is seeded deep and it hurts. I know he says this with only the best intentions and I love him for it.

I've pulled my life together pretty well, but I have shit that sticks with me and eats at me everyday. Little frickin demons that I'm sure we all have in one way or another. This happens to be one of mine and I just felt like putting it out there and maybe might help me deal with it a bit better. Probably not, but it's worth a try. :)


Bob said...

I have never dated, lived with or married a woman who didn't feel the way that you do about your body. And there's been a bunch so consider me an expert on this subject. What you feel is not by any means unique.

We all come into this life as something perfect. We all go out of this life flawed in many ways. We all morph, girl. Ain't no getting around it.

Hubby likes/loves you just the way you are. Cherish that.

Bigger said...

There are always days when we will feel like this. Me included. On these days we just have to push on. I know it is easier said than done and I know it is hard. Just try to find your happy spot and put your self there for a little while.

Anonymous said...

La Roo -

I disagree with your first sentence. There is nothing wrong feeling the way you do. It is normal.

I do not believe there is anything wrong being dissatisfied.

I do not know what happened to you to give you the disability you have. It is none of my business. But let me share something with you.

I have spinal stenosis. It has affected me for the past 11 years. Ten years ago I had an operation that removed two vertebrates from my neck. The result was spinal cord damage. I now have a difficulty in walking and gripping. When I take a step, I have to remind myself to pick up my feet. Sometimes that does not help and my feet goes in what ever direction they want. I always been active, doing what I wanted to do. It was difficult to accept my limitations.

But, I am more fortunate than you are, I do not have a wheelchair attached to my ass. I still do what I want to, as long as running is not involved. I have one speed regardless if I am running or walking.

It may take me longer to do something, but I still do what I can. Stubborn as hell. Still love sex, just wish my wife did.

What I can tell about you by looking into your blog, you are a beautiful, sexy, talented woman.

When I get disgusted with my condition, I think about the people who died during the Oklahoma City Bombing and on 9/11. Those people would be happy to change places with me today.

My life is what I make it with the condition I have.

In reading your blog, I admire the person you are. Your beautiful smile and charming personality that leaps off the pages.

There is nothing wrong feeling the way you do. But, never change from the beautiful, sexy woman I have seen on your blog.

What I said may not make a difference to you, but I think you make a difference to your husband.



C said...

laroo, you have to use a wheelchair and have had many surgeries, BUT you have set the standard for someone living with a dibilitating disease. you have shown us, your readers, how elegant, beautiful, sensual, sexy, graceful, cheerful, happy, and downright tender a person can be, and i personally think and believe that you have inspired many with your blog, and in your personal life as well by being just who you are, lumpy legs, scars and whatever else you think takes away from your inner and outter beauty. you are not your body. you are laroo, and your body is a temporary temple you live in for now. be gentle with yourself, everyone has down days, and negative feelings.. but they too will pass. its good to get that pain out by writing about it. you are perfect just the way you are.

hugs honey.


La Roo said...

Bob-Damn, I fall into the typical woman catagory. Shit that sucks!
This whole thing is me realizing I'm going to be naked for 7 days, plus sexy club outfits and all the checking out going on.
I know there is stuff I can't change and I'm getting a little crazy.
I'll be fine, and hubby is a kind soul.

Bigger- Damn Dude where have you been!!!
You are right, I do have to find my "happy spot."
Glad to see you back.

Jim-Please don't get me wrong. I'm very fortunate and my life is good. I was having a moment. There are people worse off and this is just a stupid issue that is just a small part of me.
It sounds like you've been through a lot and really had to do the "pushing through thing".
Actually I can walk, but not in a good way. In many ways my wheelchair has been a fortunate thing, because I can get from point A to point B without falling. It has also help me be stronger as a person.

I have a form of Muscular Dystrophy.
(I wrote about it at the beginning of my blog)

Thank you for you kind words.

This whole thing would not be an issue with me if I wasn't emmersing myself into a nude resort lifestyle. If I was at home not ever showing my body to anyone but my husband then it would be pretty much a non issue. But because I choose to change my life up and step into another level these are things that have come up.

C- Wow. How very nice of you. I was being shallow. I was having a moment and do realize the negative feelings took over me. If you read the above I think you will get where I was coming from.
I have no idea who that person is that you so thoughtfully described is, I don't see myself as inspiring. I'm just a me, plain and simple.
Thanks sweet lady and hugs back at you.

Bob said...

Idea: Cancel your trip to Desire. Sign up for Bob's Sailing Camp.

There would be campfires every night. Everyone joins hands around the campfire and sings Kumbayah and Michael Rowed his Hoe Ashore.

Then there's the spa for two. They will be games of "where's the soap?"

Breakfast is in bed (pigs in a blanket).

Meat barbecue on the boat for dinner. Buck ass naked moonlight swimming off the boat. Water games like hide the salami and duck, duck GOOSE!. Oh and there's comes MARCO? POLO!!!

Sleep on the boat.


La Roo said...

Actually Bob's sailing camp sounds like fun, maybe later in the summer. Hubby says he wants to sail. :)
We're still going to Desire though.
Maybe we'll learn something new there that we could introduce it to camp Bob's.
Love kumbayah and micheal and his hoe.!!!!

Anonymous said...

La Roo -

I have been a nude beach in Texas (Hippie Hollow) and nude resorts in Florida. You need not worry what anyone else thinks.

I have found nudist except you. The you I have seen, they will take you warmly to their heart.

La Roo said...

Jim -I have been before. I went last year. So, I no the ropes and had a fantastic time. It's not about me going it's about my own insecurities and just not being ok with myself.
Thank you for sharing though.
Hippie Hollow, huh/ Is that still there?

Crash said...

It doesn't really matter what I say, I know. We are all collateral damage from the war inside our heads; but I did finally do a post on you/your blog [before I read this post] and my take on your spirit - it's a small thing, but sincere.

I'm grateful you exist, I'm shamed by your courage - I'm heartened by your relationship.

So thank you.


And I live far, far away.