Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Watch your step.

What do you do when you don't know what ground you are standing on?

As husband and wife we have grown abundantly together. I feel proud and confidant in the choices we've made. Not all have come easy or in some profound way. We have come into our own and both feel comfortable on many levels. I look around and see couples that have no clue what their other half thinks or believes. They just live and there is nothing deeper than the there and now. Pretty sad.

In the past several years our sexuality has really bloomed. The sharing and comfort levels have reached a new high. Self worth and awareness play a huge part. In saying that, of course there are things we are still learning and a unsure of. Thoughts and actions can be left as they are or can be acted on, but only if there is certainty.

When you love someone like we love each other, there is a trust and sometimes unspoken words that lead us in one direction or another. Sometimes that's good and other times that has hindered our growth.

One issue that I am getting to is.....playing around with other people. Is it ok to touch another human body (other than your partner) or be touched? It seems like an easy "yes". Is it? Will that hurt your partner or could someone become deeper involved than planned? In my mind we are at the level where we are pretty comfortable with our sexuality, in realizing it is an act that produces pleasure. The love making, is the life we have made for ourselves and the bond of caring that comes with it. But if it came down to it, could we separate it. I'm sure this has come up with many(open minded) people as their relationships grow. It is a just new realm to share like this and feels a little vulnerable.

(For example)
I've fantasized on some level about being with other people, including my love of course. Just being wild and letting loose on others while doing the same to each other. I know on a regular everyday basis this just doesn't happen and I know pretty much general society looks down on this. I've never liked general societies thoughts anyway. I think that the majority of people don't explore sex or enjoy it. It is easier for them to criticize and condemn. This situation is something that could be real in certain circumstances, like at Desire. Is it ok to feel that? If it really came down to it, would it feel right? My hubby can't even tell me if he is ok with it. Are we trying to protect each other? Or is this a sign of uncertainty telling us not to let ourselves go there?
Do those fantasies just stay fantasies?


Bigger said...

This will be a highley opinionated subject. There is no right or wrong answer. All I can give is my opinion.

As a husband to my wife I will do what ever it takes to make her happy. In general conversation I may agree with such an act to not bring any problems between us but in the back of my mind knowing it would never happen. If the situation was one that she prosued I would have to back petal and renig on my agreement. I can be a very jealous person and when I think something is outside of the area we may acheive I will agree knowing we will never get there.

Some people do things like this all the time and I see nothing wrong with it as long as they stay happy with each other. I just have a problem with the thought of another man with my wife. I get this boiling sensation up my spine and my face turns red.

So basically my opinion is that if you have any doubt DONT DO IT. And what if it was not all you thought it would be then your fantasie is ruined.

I dont know your husband and I may be real far off but if he is saying he can not answer the question it may be a easy way for him to say no.

Bob said...

From my personal experience this sort of deal doesn't ever work out. The marriage ultimately comes unglued and ends in divorce.

My advice when it comes to being sexual other people would be not to go there for it's likely that you'll be very very sorry.

Been there. Did that. Everything went to shit.

marquisdgore said...

Your relationship has to come first. You both made a vow to that at the beginning.

Fantasies can be acted upon by role playing. If that isn't sufficient for one of you, then your vows come into question and a wall begins to be built. Honest communication is the key.

IF it is decided to proceed, Rules must be agreed upon and kept.Vows again.

Grass is not always greener out there and a multitude of problems lurk. Do you really want to risk that? This seems to be only something that you want or are curious about. Maybe you have the seven year itch?

One remotely possible solution.
An internet only lover over a webcam and Skype. Don't subject yourself to Ashley Madison and similar sites. The trash of the world resides there, and our LaRoo is defintiely not trash.

marquisdgore said...

Forget what I said.

It's your life and you do what you think is best for you. Other people's opinions only matter to them anyway.

But I volunteer to be the cameraman.

Luv said...

Well, looks like you have some issues that you need to work out with your hubby. It is okay to fantasize, but to act on it without partner's consent would be a problem. An open discussion might clear the air. Your hubby could be sympathetic and agrees. Possessiveness is human nature. Guess it depends on how much love there is.
I luv your new blog look. So much color.

Miss Stella said...

obviously this is something you need to talk through, together, perhaps even try something, and then discuss it again. It is all about communication and being honest.

If you are interested in finding out more about poly, or the concept of open relationships, etc, I encourage you to read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. This might give you some insight into the concepts of "playing" with others.

Having been in a polyamorous relationship previously, and now in a semi-open relationship, I can identify with the issues of where the line is drawn, when is it "ok" and when is it not?

Good luck, but most of all, have fun.:) Be honest with each other and enjoy your love.

La Roo said...

Let me first say that this did bring up more conversation between hubby and I.
Hearing all if your opinions has been great.
For us it wouldn't be about swapping partners. It's about enhancing the sexual act. It's about having more than two hands on a person or a cluster of people engaged playing and fondling.\

We talked about needing a word or a sign if we felt uncomfortable......but that is all just in the talks phase right at the moment. It all is. And that is ok because at least we are communicating.

He told me it would bother him less to see me with a girl than a guy. Which doesn't surprise me and I am ok with.But agreed that being in a bundle of people would be interesting. Both of us realize the thought that needs to be put into it and the risks that could be involved.

We know that this kind of thing has worked well for some and others not. I think we are both willing to test the waters a bit to see if it is for us. If not we step back and regroup. ???????

Thank you for the book suggestion....I might have to get that. Stella, are you married? What made you think this type of thing would be right for you and how did you start?

momentextase said...

"Is it ok to touch another human body (other than your partner) or be touched?"

Yes, it happens everyday. On one pole of group sex dynamics is "swinging" where "it's just sex" and the ethos and choice is to exclude any deep emotional attachments, and on the other pole is "polyamory" -'loving many'. where there is more emphasis on "love" and emotions, and sex with multiple lovers is the norm. Of course there are shades of grey on this contuinuim of poles-I don't think anyone is completely one way or the other. What these all have in common is HONESTY and communication. And communication, communication and communication. Did I mantion the importance of communication?

"Will that hurt your partner....."

It does not have to, and does not for many people. However, if you are bringing other people into your sex life in an attempt to repair your relationship or if as a couple you have a very difficult time being honest about your feelings or have trouble with communication, are always having power struggles, or play emotional games- you will run into trouble.

".... or could someone become deeper involved than planned?"

Yes, that could happen, and whether or not that happens and if it is a bad thing -depends on how solid you are as a couple, what your "rules" are and how well you both respect those rules, how well you handle and communicate about the unexpected, etc. If you are on the same page, you can deal with anything.

"Just being wild and letting loose on others while doing the same to each other......Is it ok to feel that?

What you feel is what you feel. What is important is how well you can sort those feelings out and how honestly you can communicate what you are feeling to yourself, to your hubby and any potential 'other' sexual partners. Feelings are what they are, how you act on them is a choice. "The devil made me do it." is a copout and the bastion of cheaters.

"If it really came down to it, would it feel right?"

Only you two can answer this! How did it feel at Desire? That is a venue where these things are common, and even though you tow did not really "play" there...how did the whole scene feel? What about that were you comfortable with, what things made you uncomfortable? ...continued.

momentextase said...

"My hubby can't even tell me if he is ok with it."
LaRoo, I am happy your hubby is getting more comfortable talking about these things. There is an axiom: If you can't talk about it, you shouldn't do it." Lack of communication, withholding, fear about talking about your fears, fear about talking about your deep desires, an expectation of "mindreading"- all would be red flags for us playing with another couple/person that showed any of those tendencies.

Are we trying to protect each other?
I would hope so! When protecting your partner becomes absent from your mind, it is time to hang it up -you should not do this!

Or is this a sign of uncertainty telling us not to let ourselves go there?

Of course there is uncertainty, but what you are doing is normal and more a sign taht you are talking about your needs, wants, possibly your rules if you were to get more involved and any "deal breakers" that would point you in the direction ofdeciding to aboid all of this. It is not for everyone, and that is perfectly OK! One question you both need to ask each other if you decide to go further is "Are you doing this JUST to please me?" If either of you say yes to this, you are not ready.

Do those fantasies just stay fantasies?

For some couples yes, for other couples no. I think it would be more informative for you if you two posed these questions to the people at "The Swingers Board" and at the 'Polymatchmaker.com" forums. Great people at both those sites! Also, you can talk about this to people you meet at Desire, and maybe even at any "Clubs" in your area.

Bottom line, it works for some people, it does not work for others, only you two will be able to decide -and if you stay checked in with and talk about your feelings and get as much first hand information as possible, you can.

Also... a lot of what is involved in making any sort of group sexual dynamic work is identical to what makes a GOOD monogamous relationship work!

Mr said...

I want to share my thoughts...Ask me, ask me, ask me.

Love is not sex.
Sex is not love.
Neither is intimacy.
Both can create intimacy.

Sex is the engine of intimacy and the heat of love.

Physiologically sex causes really good things to happen chemically inside our bodies.
Physiologically love causes really good things to happen inside our bodies. (not exactly same things as sex but very related)
Physiologically intimacy causes really good things to happen inside our bodies.

Fear causes bad things to happen inside our bodies. (Look it up, cortisol etc.)

If y'all have any fear, one or both of you will not have good things happening inside your body, and the bad things will manifest themselves emotionally between the two of you.

Easy call then, do either of you sense the possibility of fear?

The crazy reason that some women who have been raped have mixed feelings about the violator (again don't take my word for it, look it up. One of the reasons women don't like to report rape is because of their mixed feelings, like the confusing feeling of did I bring this on myself? Hell no she didn't bring this on herself. No is NO is no forever and ever Amen.)

Now where was I...oh yes The crazy reason that some women who have been raped have mixed feelings about the violator is because ejaculate contains oxytocin. Oxytocin is the wonderful chemical that makes both men and women feel attachment to someone. Women produce much more than men. The skin to skin contact when holding a baby causes a woman's body to produce oxytocin. (And no it is not because they want to have sex with their baby. Get a life!) Caressing in a non sexual way causes oxytocin to flow.

So if sex is involved, so is oxytocin. (Anyway I haven't figured out how to have sex without touching.) Whether the sex involves your one and only or a stranger.

But if FEAR is part of the sex, all that good stuff gets more than canceled out.

My very labored point is this: you and your husband appear to have a really good thing going.

The moral question is not about what either one of you have been taught.

The moral question for me is: if you get into it, will one of you let fear into the encounter? Because fear will hurt (physically and therefore emotionally)

Take into account the biological realities. They will affect the two of you.

People since the beginning of time have been having sexual fun with more than their spouses in bed with them. And people will continue to do that as long as the sun shines.

We may not hear about it, or be so lucky as to participate ourselves. But it has, it is, and will be done.

This is the first time I have commented on one of your posts.
I love your blog.
I love you honesty.
I love your sharing photos which speak to you and your husband's comfort in your skins.
I every now and then have this urge to share with you very positive vibes...like right now.

I believe our cultural conditioning on this sort of thing is really wrong. But the cultural conditioning is not wrong if your actions will bring Fear.

And for the rest of us --
Fuck us if we can't take a joke.
We make our own choices, and have no business making yours.

I suspect my comment is way late for the event, but there might be a next time, and life is way too long not to have good things happening inside our bodies.

Mr said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr said...

Sorry about the repeats, a got this message about too long a post.

Mea culpa.