Sunday, July 5, 2009

Hurt

My life was going along pretty good. Then we had an ungrateful house guest that spent the whole time texting her boyfriend. That's not a huge deal, I know. Stil, not fun and so rude. Also a crazy aunt visiting from out of state, who used to be fun loving. Now is a nut, that just drives me up a freakin wall. I miss the old her.

Then hubby starts acting strange (actually had been acting strange for a while) Finally, had enough of the lying eyes and sneaking around with the itouch and tilting it away from me every time I'd roll by. Of course he's hiding porn, this isn't new and actually seems to be his mantra. The thing is, I thought we had a pretty open marriage and we've talked about this. We've watched porn, and we have kind of made a pack that we would let the other person know if we were going online to look at this kind of stuff. Basically to just make it not seem like we don't need to hide, and we can be open with our sexuality. At certain points of our relationship, I've really felt slapped across the face by these same actions. It makes me feel unworthy, and flat out lied to. If you knew us personally, you would know the love we have for each other and the fun we have together. I don't feel like the typical married couple, we actually like each other. But this has been a sore spot for me for a long time. It's been monkey on my back for as long as I can remember. After something like this comes up, he pours out to me things that he's been holding in and shoving deep down. For instance, we've been through a few horrible deaths in the past couple years, and it haunts him. It haunts me also. How he was treated as a child, or that he wants to be a better person. It's all too much, I'm tired off it. I just want a open honest relationship. I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't lie. I want to be talked to straight forward and be listened to in the same manner. There is a glitch in our communications, a serious one.

6 comments:

C said...

hey hon, i am so sorry you are hurting. you guys DO have a beautiful open relationship... every couple has glitches now and then. can you try to talk it out, and ask him if there is a particular reason he feels the need to hide this? i think you are lucky to have such openess in your relationship, [and as women we need that more so than men, in my opinion]. i think as open as you both are, if a guy has to share absolutely EVERYTHING, he may feel vulnerable in some way, like he has nothing of his own. then when he does share his vulnerabilty by admitting he is haunted by recent deaths and such, he is letting you into a very private part of his soul. honey, i really dont think it has anything to do with you, it may just be a need he has.... to have something private of his own. he needs to know how it makes you feel and then fix that. there is no one else like you, laroo, he knows this... and no matter what he looks at he will never see anyone who lights up his heart like you do. even in the most open of relationships, every one stills needs to have a little somethin somethin of their own. i'm sorry hon, that you are hurting. let him know how you feel... and listen to how he feels.... you guys WILL work this out.

take care honey...

hugs,

chris


ps

my word verif. is "crestes" ... is that like rotten testes? hahahaha

Bob said...

Where do I begin. How about men are from Mars and women are from Venus? The sexes are distinctly different . . . have different needs, communicate differently, resolve conflicts differently . . . the list of what's different is endless.

Life and living with a member of the opposite sex is 50% of how you take it and 50% of what you make of it. Adjusting, compensating, grinning and bearing it, allowing for privacy and individuality . . . all part of the marriage.

I think most married couples like each other like best buds. Therein lies the rub . . . you become almost like brother and sister . . . the lust, the throw down sex . . .what happens to it? I miss that. A lot.

Wifey, at first, did her best to change me . . . change Bob into what she thought Bob should be as a person and as a husband. It was only when, on the advice of her therapist, she allowed me to be me and appreciate Bob for who he was/is was when the marriage began to have less friction, fewer disagreements and a lot more happier moments.

I'm sorry you're hurting . . . not so much for the relatives who acted like Bozo's but for what you sense is wrong with your relationship. There's nothing wrong. You and hubby just need to make a few adjustments. Getting away as you've planned is a step in that direction. Time for the two of your to get out of Dodge and have some fun!

Today? Smile. Be good to your self. And welcome hubby home this evening with open arms.....and something else. You'd be surprised as to what they would bring.

Gray said...

*hugs you*

I am so sorry this is going on. Communication is so key in any relationship.

I hope you two can finally get to that level of honesty that you want.

Jake lara said...

Chris has said nearly everything I was gonna say except that if you were to buy someone a present would you tell them where you got it, how much it costs and wouldn't you hide it from them until you gave it to them. I think sex can be a bit like that, and like choosing the right gift the inspiration comes from the thoughts in your own space. If you don't have the spontaneous fueled by desire, he may as well ask you what you like and just do that and that gets boring if he's dancing to your steps when you want him to lead the dance. Every relationship is different so my extra thoughts might be completely wrong for yours here :) but Chris has got some good thoughts there that pretty much apply to everybody.

La Roo said...

He is my best bud, but we also have crazy throw down sex. I lust after my husband and love our life. I feel like the wussy woman that can't handle her man looking at porn, but that's simply not the case. It's the sneakiness that kills me. Like, what does he have to hide, it must be pretty bad? I don't know. I have done more adjusting and grinning than most and am proud of being able to do so. I think it shows I'm comfortable with myself sexually. I realize everyone needs their privacy, but this is hiding and lying.... to me. Acknowledge the situation and it wouldn't feel wrong and shameful.

eva said...

I totally see how it is best to aknowledge and share stuff one looks at in a relationship so it won't feel wrong and shameful etc.. yet I tell my boyfriend I look at porn, but I'm less than eager to show him.
I wonder why.

I don't think you should think too hard about the stuff he looks at and if it's really bad. Unless he's into kiddie porn and stuff that hurts people without them wanting it - and I doubt that's the case.

I take a lot of perscription drugs, and it affects my sex drive. I sometimes look at porn to work up a bit of a hunger for sex when there isn't any there. It feels personal, like when an animal is hurt or goes to die, and it hides. I'm glad I have the space to do things my own way - I like talking about things and being honest, but I also need space to think and understand myself on my own.

I don't know. People have their reasons, I understand why you feel weird about it, but don't get too caught up in it.

A lot of people also jerk off to release stress, and use porn in that way - and they might not consider it a part of their marriage or sex life, but more like going to the toilet or having a snack.. Bah am I making sense? I hope you'll both feel close to each other really soon!